Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I've been expecting you...

this mood, that is...

I'm a bit melancholy.

There's only so many times when my deafness really manages to pull me into a pity party these days.

Maybe it's because the last few years have been somewhat of a delirious roller coaster.

From saying goodbye to a familiar life and long years of dealing with an infertility diagnosis, to the surprise of a beautiful baby and his nervewracking kidney issues diagnosis.

I was wrapped up in the joy of being pregnant, being a new mom, and being the wife of my best friend.

My deafness kind of fell to the "not so important anymore" list.

I knew I could be a good mom, dang it. I'd had countless mothers trust me with their children, saying that my hearing impairment made them confident that I always had them within my sight (and it sure is harder to get into trouble with an ever-present witness).

As a teenager, my weekly ego boost was working in the nursery of our large church. I was convinced I had the touch as colicky and picky babies seemed to warm to me quickly.

My deafness was a non-issue - they knew how to make their needs known.

I realized tonight that it has been over 700 nights that I've stepped softly to Itty Bit's crib and placed my hand on his chest and waited for that ever so slight rise and fall of his breath.

Since daddy is working out of town, I let him fall asleep in the "big bed" tonight, so he can wake me up in person, rather than me sleeping through his cries.

And I was loving the fact that his face was against mine and I could feel his breath on my cheek as well as under my hand on his back. Just as I wondered what it would be like to hear it, I thought I barely made out a little giggle.
Then his little boy voice started to lilt. I have no idea what he said, but it must have been endearing and engaging. The nightlight showed his blue eyes blinking as he sleepily murmered something that made him smile.

And it really hit hard. Enough to make me suddenly wistful and bring an end to that special moment. I had to struggle to keep from starting the "not fair" debate.


And I'm sitting here with a few minutes of hindsight. I know I will be madly jealous of everyone who can overhear my kid talking to himself, or understand his funny mispronunciations. And it is "not fair".

But I'm still a mother of a miracle child. And he'll grow up to be sensitive to those who are different or need help because of our connection.

Guess I needed a reminder tonight. God is good. God doesn't make mistakes. He loves to give good gifts. Hug your kids an extra time tonight.


But the reality looms.
There is only so much I can do. And there are things to miss.


Lindie said...

Oh Rachel, what a touching entry. This really brought tears to my eyes and I wish I could say I completely understand, but I of course I can’t. But I do understand the incredible bond you feel and how soothing it is to have your child fall asleep in your arms at night. Tristan knows your strengths and weaknesses and he will certainly grow up being stronger, more compassionate, and a more understanding person because of it. He is a sweet and special little boy, and loves his mommy just the way you are.
Much love to you and your wonderful family,

Rachel said...

Thanks Lindie!

Isn't a great feeling having your kids fall asleep and totally trust that you will care for them through the night?

It's amazing how adapatable kids are... I give them lots of credit for being able to deal with what life throws at them!

Take care of that sweet family of yours!

Anonymous said...

Rachel, you've made my heart flutter. I feel your deep love, your sense of loss...yet I also feel that you know God has, is and will continue to bless you and your family. Look into your son's beautiful eyes and enjoy.

Anonymous said...

Wow, sometimes when you read other people's posts it makes you (well, me) really feel you have life good after all. Thanks for your honest post, and keep enjoying your son.

The Broken Man


Rachel said...

Thanks Melody.
I've been enjoying your blog and am touched that you took the time to write on mine.

Absolutely, we are blessed!
Kids have a way of reminding us!

Thanks again

Rachel said...

Thanks Rick
What's funny is that's how I lift myself out of the doldrums! Thinking about how much worse someone else might have it. Everyone has their struggles, and I'm just glad to have this little guy to remind me of what's important.

Thanks for the comment!

lilivw said...

What a very special Mom with a very special little boy. I can only imagine how sad to not be able to hear him talk, laugh, sing, etc. You are right though - he is being raised with a very special Mom who is teaching him to love and respect those who are different. I love you sweet friend!