Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Since when?

When exactly does insecurity invite itself into our lives?

It surely is related to fear. Not the panicky type that causes your heart to pound and elicits the danger response.

But the kind of fear that paralyzes you and keeps you from moving forward. From trying new things. From trusting.

Aren't all babies born with ultimate confidence? The kind that says, "Here I am. I'm the boss. Here's what I need and here's when I need it, and I'm not above screaming until I get it".

The kind that evolves into, "There it is, I want it", and pulls them slowly but surely from rolling, to crawling, to walking in a surprisingly seamless process.

There seems to be no fear of personal injury, no "what will people think?". They are not consciously goal-setters to that degree, but they are astonishingly sucessful walkers, talkers, and household rulers.

Where does that sudden moment of I'm-unsure-of-myself come from? Parents and friends are lovingly encouraging of past endeavors, yet suddenly an un-sureness is present.


I was a bit startled and saddened to see it on my son's face last week. He wanted to join in and have fun; the interest and desire was all over his face. Yet he suddenly pulled back and seemed torn and almost afraid. His beloved cousins were playing and attempting to draw him in. He was uncharacteristically reluctant.

Am I reading too much into it?


I recognized it as a frequent visitor in my own life, and I very much don't want him burdened with the inferiority complex that accompanies my disability.

It was just one of those moments I filed away into my memory of baby steps and boyhood steps. My wish for him is that he comes to realize he was created for a purpose and a spot that only he can fill. And that should be enough to wipe out any insecurities, right?!?!


Stacy said...

My son is the same way at 4.5 years old. He is a sensitive boy, so I guess it comes with the territory. It usually takes him awhile to warm up, but he goes into the fray soon enough. Don't worry about it...he will get his confidence. :)

I read some of your other posts, too. You are a very strong woman, so I hope you are over your insecurity now. Being deaf and having a child has to be a lot of work, but it sounds like you take it well in hand.

Wonderful to hear that he is doing well with his kidney issues. How scary for you and your family. These days the medical options are so much better than in the past, though.

Rachel said...

Thanks for the wishes Stacy.
It's not too often lately that the deafness bothers me to that extent. It's easier to focus on what I CAN do and enjoy teaching my son sign language so he can enjoy it too!

Would love to hear how you've helped your son develop confidence. He sure doesn't seem insecure around your camera!

Thanks again

Rose said...

I am SO WITH Stacy. You are incredible! I read some of your other posts, too. Wow.
I can say that Harrison, as confident and outgoing as he is, goes through phases of being intimidated suddenly over things he's accomplished previously. But I don't make too big of a deal, I encourage him to move forward and then he is back to the "adventurer" I know. I was told that it's normal for children to become overly cautious as they stretch their boundaries. I too, worry that I will unwillingly model an insecurity-behavior for him that I don't want him to experience.

Thanks for stopping by and I love your profile. I need to remember that.

Rachel said...

Hi golightly!

I just found your blog the other day (through Stacy's) and thought Harrison was adorable! I am dreading the day my little guy goes on a nap strike too!

Thanks for the comment and advice!

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