Saturday, October 25, 2008

Now is When

I stopped for a moment today.

After a soul-wearying day at work with many issues that screamed STRESS to my overworked mind and my knotted stomach...

I stopped.

I had to pee, I was hungry, and I wanted to catch up on emails and blogs. The kid needed a nap.

Normally he would have crawled onto the big bed with his trusty matchbox cars and entertained himself into slumber.

But I was craving a bit of nothingness today. And lying beside him was the perfect place to find it.

He was delighted. Patting the pillow next to his head, he wordlessly welcomed me to his mini fall-asleep world.

He scooted under the covers and pulled my arm around him.

He wriggled frequently; with all the charm of a little boy trying to be good.

He settled into my side and stared wordlessly around the room.

I took in his profile, his perfect profile.
The one I had memorized from the ultrasounds that had thrilled and saddened me.
The same grainy black and white printouts that reminded me that this beautiful boy faced serious kidney problems.

With him in my arms; somehow I was the one who felt safe, instead of the other way around.
Here he was beside me, giving me permission to pause and enjoy our togetherness without any expectations.

He sighed and my soul echoed him.

His long lashes began to slowly blink toward his cheeks.
They framed his innocent sky-blue eyes which were fast losing their doomed struggle toward sleep.

And as my mind filled with thoughts of gratefulness and scattered prayers for him... I was interrupted.

A tiny sound and he quickly turned to face me. His face was utterly serious as he solemnly announced...

"I burped"

At the speed of warp, we were instantly back to real life where the moments ARE what it's all about. Living in them, not waiting for them.

And if I can't take the time to enjoy his smallness and the very thing I am working for... if not now, when?

Now is When.

2 comments:

hannah m said...

Love, love, love this! Beautifully written, and I will tuck your sentiment close to my heart today: Now is when.

Killlashandra said...

That's a great post. I've been there too. When the days pile up and the stress with it and the weekend rolls around and it's naptime for W.W. I will often lie there with him and close my eyes until he falls asleep. Although we don't usual have a burp. ;)