Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Rachiana Jones and the Cabinets of Doom

Alternatively titled: "I Fought The Marshmallow Creme and the Marshmallow Creme Won"

Good Lord.
What was I thinking?

Keep in mind that we are in the midst of a heatwave... it's 90 degrees on the porch and it's almost 9pm. Remember this? It's worse!

Mr. Daddy was out of town for work and I'd felt spectacularly unproductive. You know how lethargic you can get when you're melting? Yeah...

So in a last ditch attempt to prove that I'd done something other than sweat off 11 pounds, I embraced spontaneity and dove headlong into the cupboards.

And ladies, you know what I'm talking about here... it's like a step back into another era.

Where you suddenly realize that logo on your cake mixes is now considered the "Classic" Betty Crocker design.

And that Orville Redenbacher's signature on that popcorn label was probably original.

And that the pure vanilla extract is probably considered an alcoholic beverage by now.

And anytime you see the year 2006 anywhere on the box is not a good sign.

Did you know that jello mix expires? I mean, seriously?!?

The lovely Ghiradelli chocolate chips had melted into one solid brown blob... lovely. I'm telling ya - even the coconut flakes were sweatin'.

I also realized that my hubs is a complete doofus every time he claims we've run out of raspberry jam. Dear, there are SIX jars of raspberry jam in the pantry... all yours.

I was relentless. I was ruthless. I took no prisoners.
If the "best by" date was past, it went bye-bye without question.

Even the (sob) ice cream.

See, whenever we have company over, we grab a couple kinds of frozen deliciousness. Serve a couple scoops, then stick them in the freezer and promptly forget about them.

So, in my industriousness and devotion to my recycle regimen - I decided to let all 14 of them thaw out in the sink for awhile.

This led to a spectacular new flavor of drain clog: cherry chocolate chip fudge toffee rocky road mint strawberry coffee pistachio. It was a marvelous foamy mess.

After an hour of hot water doing the trick, I spotted another wayward ingredient.

Behold... the Jet-Puffed:

It was this jumbo-sized awkward unstackable thing - that was guilty of expiring in April. Only... it was in a glass jar. Remember the whole devotion to recyling thing?

Yeah, it bit me bigtime.

So I get the hot water going and let it run into the shiny little twirl at the top of the jar.

It doesn't even make an indentation.

Time for the big guns. I stick my fingers in and the stuff is like Play-doh and honey mixed together. Still can't get it out of the blasted jar.

In a fit of brilliance, I shove my entire hand in, barely displacing the thick goo, and attempt to scoop it out.

Uh yeah... except that the stuff fills my hand and freezes it in a scoop position to the point that, yes my friends, I was the proverbial monkey trapped by a jar.

I stood there (still melting, mind you) trying to spray hot water into the jar around my hand to free it. Yes, my entire house smells like slightly burnt sugar and paraffin. My hands are softer than ever. And that's the second drain clog of the night.

Who on earth gets themselves into these kinds of predicaments? No worries, I'll be that friend for you.


Elaine at Matters of the Heart) said...

No wonder we like each other. I woke up New Years day this year and by 11:00 I was knee deep in everything that was headed for the trash/recycle. At least it wasn't 90 though...

City girl turned Country Girl said...

Hey I'll be your friend with this likeness!! LOL, my pantry can get scary!!! I cleaned it out about 2 months ago and I kid you not I had 8 trash bags FULL of expired food!!! But my bad problem is I keep it in there so I don't feel like we don't have any food LOL!!

You recycle and we burn out here on the ranch..

Lisa said...

haha! too funny! great blog...just stoppin' by from Blaze 'n' Crochet! I have a miracle baby too...aren't they the sweetest?!

McCrakensx4 said...

yea...I probably have a few things that aer past their best by date!!! Too funny about the fluff...I would've given up faster than you and dropped it in the trash even before I thought about cleaning it out!!! Good for you for trying!

Anonymous said...

OMGosh that is HILARIOUS!! I promise you though, once Itty Bit starts getting older....hits those teens....you will NEVER have to worry about food going bad ever again. :D It doesn't stay LONG enough! OYE!

Foursons said...

Oh my goodness. I so wish you had taken a picture of your hand stuck in the jar! And really? You forget about ice cream? I've never heard such a thing.

So tell me, do y'all have air conditioning? I know sometimes up north not all the houses have them. Which I don't really get. 'Cause we hardly ever get cold down here, but ALL the homes have heaters. No knock on y'all, just curious about the thought process, that's all.

Anyways, congrats on your clean pantry!

Kameron said...

I have a habit of buying the same thing and ending up with 6 jars of things too! We just don't have enough room in our cupboards so everything piles up. I probably would have tried scooping out the fluff with a utensil. Maybe next time!

Jane Anne said...

I have this great mental image of a hand stuck in a marshmellow creme jar. Sad thing is, it's me standing there. Nope, not going to clean out the pantry today!!! Ugh, it's hot here, too... supposed to be 101 today.

Shana Putnam said...

I have some awards for you at my blog!!

Stacy said...

LOL...only you my dear! I would totally do the drain clog thing, too. My hubby is used to that...good thing he knows how to do a little bit of plumbing. ;) Hope that hot weather comes here...in moderation of course. I think we have had 2 days above 83 in July. Definitely not warm here.

Emily said...

Whew, if the Marshmallow Creme did that to your hand, I'm glad you didn't eat it! I hate finding expired ice cream in my fridge...what a waste of a good thing. Ok, that's actually never happened to me since ice cream generally doesn't last in my house more than about 12 hours, but I would hate it if it did!

He & Me + 3 said...

We forget about ice cream and freezer products all the time. I am a expiration date freak. It drives my mother crazy. I check everything everywhere. While on vacation at my in-laws this summer they had a salad dressing that was from 2006 in their fridge...I wanted to throw it out when I discovered it and than said no. What could that be about?
Too funny about your hand. Glad you were able to free yourself from the marshmallow quick sand.

Foursons said...

Hey, and just so you know. I finished strong and wrote "you're" at the end of my last post. It's all how you finish right? Yeah, I thought so. *stick out tongue*

Foursons said...

AND...we have about 4 days of cold weather here, but we have a heater! Hmmm.....

Pam D said...

I'm with ya, girl... standing shoulder to shoulder (possibly because we're glued together by eons-old peanut butter, but that's beside the point). I'm bad about buying multiples of non-perishables when they're on sale and then forgetting about them. But a big benefit of my boy being a scout is that is seems as if we're always collecting for food banks. Hooray... I can SHARE! :<) That HAS cut down on the throw aways quite a bit, and it makes me feel like I'm doing some good, too.
Would have loved to see the StayPuf Marshmallow man smackdown..

Carebear said...

Ba-ha-hahahaha! Hilarious post! Decided to blogsurf since it's too hot to sleep and you were my first stop (ssshhh... don't tell me hubby, I'm supposed to be on blogcation!). So glad I came by because this was a super enjoyable entertaining read. Cracked up at "Did you know that jello mix expires?" and the cherrychocolatechipfudgetoffee rockyroadmintstrawberrycoffeepistachio. And of course the entire hand-stuck-in-the-marshmallow-creme story. ha, ha. Thanks for the laugh. Hope you're well!

Carebear said...

BTW, did you call Mr. Daddy a dufus? Hmmmm... are you TRYING to start trouble? Again? Oh Mr. Daaaaaddy, are you going to take that?!

renee said...

oh that is hysterical!!!!! i am seriously still picturing and laughing. sounds EXACTLY like something i would do! love it!

renee said...

thanks guys! glad you enjoyed! nice to meet you both as well!! stick around for the craziness!!! i really enjoyed reading back a bit in your blog!! you guys sound like a ton of fun!

Pam said...

My, weren't you a busy, little bee clearing out all of your cabinets.

I totally know what you mean about the recycling. I'm the exact same way. Mark can't stand it. Sometimes I wonder why I even try.

But I can tell you one thing. I've never gotten my hand stuck in a huge tub of glue, I mean Marshmallow Creme.;-)

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

Um... you forgot my cabinets. I am pretty sure they are scary!! I can relate to this post on way too many levels!!!

Mrs. Nurse Boy

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