Monday, August 03, 2009

True Story Tuesday by Mr. Daddy

Hey y'all, it's True Story Tuesday - the Mr. Daddy edition.

Grab the button and join the fun - link up to your amazing/outrageous/hilarious and almost-too-good-to-be-true story!





The Chew Flu

Chewing tobacco must be one of the filthiest habits on earth. Not that I always thought so, but due to all the misadventures of my life around chewers, I have come to that conclusion.

I know that there are chewers in a lot of professions, but I am sure that the logging world has more than its share, largely due to the fact that in fire season you cannot smoke or have open flames in the woods.

And Lord knows that you just have to have that nicotine fix no matter the cost, to your pocketbook or your health.

Now some had the habit, and then some had it BAD!!!! I have been witness to habits so bad that they would pull out the can of Copenhagen, take a three fingered load, pull out the bottom lip with the little pinky and tamped it in. Not just a pinch between cheek and gum for this guy, (impressive, eh?)

I am absolutely positive that if a strong wind had come up and he would of turned sideways, his lower lip stuck out so far that he would have flogged himself to death.

But wait there is more! After he put the can of Copenhagen in his back pocket (to continue to wear the perfect circle imprint) to declare his manly status, he reached into his right shirt pocket and pulled out a plug of Day's Work.

Normally the guys that use this stuff just put it in their mouth and bite off a bit, I guess that he didn't want to get any Copenhagen on his Day's Work, so he pulls out his pocket knife and whittles off a manly sized portion and places it deep on the right side between cheek and gum.
(I'm thinking at this point that here is a chewing man's man).

He then puts said plug away along with his knife, and calmly reaches into his other hip pocket and pulls out his pouch of W.B. cut. (This is a shredded tobacco if you don't know), opens said pouch and pulls out a three fingered wad, that would be three fingers without counting the thumb (is the thumb considered a finger?)
For installing this wad he definitely needed both hands, so he rolls the top of the pouch down and puts it away, reaches up and grabs his left cheek pulls it back about a foot and tamps the W.B. cut into place... Do you think that maybe he had the habit?????? BAD!!!!!!

I worked with another guy that insisted on putting a three fingered (plus the thumb) wad of Copenhagen in his mouth before we would start on a clutch job on a rig, and whenever he had a mouth full of spittle he would just turn his head sideways a blow a big wad all over the floor and whatever tools we had laying there.

Can you imagine my disgust when I would reach for a wrench or pry bar and it would be saturated in tobacco impregnated spittle???? Needless to say I demanded he pick it up and take it to the sink and rinse it off and then dip it in the solvent tank. (I never did make flat rate time when I had to work with that guy) LOL

I do enjoy the smell of a freshly lit cigarette, and there are some pipe tobaccos that really smell divine... I just can't stand the taste of it in my mouth. (but that's a post for another day) But I never could find a single thing about chewing that looked, smelled or tasted any where close to good or satisfying.

Have you ever been engaged with a bunch of guys with mouths loaded down with tobacco trying to get the last word in, or getting excited about some topic and the spittle is flying every which way and the smell of hot bad breath and tobacco is permeating the atmosphere??? If not, lucky you!!!!!

I have told you all of this to say: But for the grace of God, and a bit of stupidity go I....
Many years ago, I think it was my Junior year in high school, chewing was all the rage. And Yes Pam D., back then I think they would have sold tobacco to a toddler. So getting it was no problem at all for guys in high school. Well good old Beech-Nut chewing tobacco was the chew of choice in my town, and being a guy, (nuff said) I decided that I would become COOL, and do a little chewing myself.

I got ok with it (even if I have to say so myself)

Our school hall was T shaped with a glass case for the display of trophy's and such being at the junction of said T, complete with a hand rail in front, just right for all the cool guys to hang our elbows on and ogle the gals and harass younger classmates. Plus scowl at the teachers going by...
Yeah we were legends in our own minds.

I was chillin at the rail one day, waitin for the bell to history class, the bell rang and as I headed for class one of my buddy's offered his pouch of Beech-Nut for all to enjoy...(here is where the stupid took over, or at least more so than usual) I wholeheartedly partook of a goodly portion of said Beech-Nut chew.... and promptly walked into the classroom,

WHAT A STUPID THING TO DO.... I sat middle rear of the classroom, and as I took my seat it suddenly dawned on me, with a rapidly growing certainty that I had REALLY pulled a boneheaded move this time...

"there was absolutely no where to spit"

and as my mouth had already filled to the point of not talking without drooling, or looking like the Village Idiot trying to ask the teacher for permission to use the bathroom facilities. As the panic started to set in I cast about for a receptacle for the growing mouthful of refuse...

I thought for just a split second on using the girl in front of me's hand bag, but as I had designs on making a better impression on her I thought better of it. The only thing that I had was my history book....

Boy am I here to tell you, a history book, a good receptacle for spittle does not make...(I shudder as I recall the horror)

The space between page 1 and page 573 might store a lot of history...But very little Beech-Nut induced spittle. In a matter of seconds I had it running outta both ends, and somewhere between the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and the battle of Normandy, I just flat used up all the space available.

With nowhere else to turn, Yeah the teacher just happened to be the football and basketball coach...(go figure) I bravely (stupidly) just swallowed the whole horrid blob...

Do you have any idea how fast you can go from sitting on top of the cool world of Beech-Nut imbibing bliss, to being sicker than a swine flu infested mongrel with no hope of redemption???
I myself have a hard time imagining a nanosecond, until till I think back to this moment in time, and I would highly recommend against using this method as a way to experience what a nanosecond is like...

Did I mention that I turned GREEN??? And without even being asked, the teacher kindly excused me to the restroom!!!!! "You may be excused Mr. G."

Without a moment's (maybe it was a nanosecond's) hesitation, I scrambled from my seat, and headed with all available haste to the bathroom, where I spent the rest of the history period, and the day if I recall paying tribute to the porcelain god....

To this day, a lot of years later (Just ask Pam D. she will be more than happy to fill you in on my age depended requirements) not one speck of chew has crossed my lips....

God sure does work in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform....(just wish he didn't make such good use of my stupidity)....






(and yes... Mr. Daddy is gonna be hot for revenge when he realizes that I've hijacked his post to add this lovely illustration)

23 comments:

Mr. Daddy said...

OK DEAR!! but I didn't have to use photo shop to get that green....

Beech Nut: a little dab will do ya!!!

Rachel said...

Dear - I love you, but you did some redneck stuff before you met me :) Golly, if this isn't a classic example of natural consequences, I don't know what is.

And I only posted that picture of you because you stubbornly refused to let me take one, DEAR.

And Pam D., here's a free one for ya... those advertisements for the tobacco that he was talking about? Well they sell the ads now, cuz they're considered VINTAGE, hee hee

Brandi said...

Gag! That is just so gross. . . yet funny at the same time. :)

City girl turned Country Girl said...

BA HA HA LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is hilarious!!!! My Hubby can't chew...He did when he was younger but a few years ago he tried again and thought he might be sick... Maybe not as green as you in the picture though LOL!! Loved the highjacking!!

Emily said...

So funny!!!! And disgusting! I cannot imagine why anyone would want to do anything that encourages spitting! Gross! But that story...omg, I'm still laughing!

Stacy said...

Love the green photo...it definitely adds to the post LOL! Oh chewing...I am going to gander a guess that the logging industry it right up there with the rodeo cowboys in chewing. My dad still chews, though he's tried to quit on occassion. Honestly it was better than having to smell the pipe smoke in the house. I was glad when he quit that and took up chewing since I didn't have to partake in it! But yeah, it is quite disgusting. I could have told ya not to swallow it, though. I'm a little green thinking how that must have tasted!

Kameron said...

I just threw up a litle in my mouth!! Ugh! I tried chew once (with my redneck cowboy boyfriend I had at the time) and I puked everywhere. Not my finest moment, I must say. I did manage to play a long today so check it out!! Yeah!!

He & Me + 3 said...

That stuff is just plain ole nasty and those baseball coaches that walk around with an old WEndy's cup or pepsi bottle filled with nasty spittle is just DISgusting. so glad in my hubs college baseball days that he avoided that gross stuff, unlike his friends. I guess it is cool in NC to chew if you play ball. Yuck! I cannot believe you swallowed it. OMGosh...lesson learned.

Foursons said...

At first I couldn't figure out where you were going with this story. I was telling myself, "Self, this isn't the typical Mr. Daddy story. Where's the funny?" Oh but as usual, Mr. Daddy did not disappoint.

So, what'd ya' do with the History book? I know it was just a prop in the story, but I NEED to know!

K said...

OMG sooooo funny and MR Daddy looks so sweet and nice even with the alien hue !
I really wanted to paricipate this week but time got away

Elaine at Matters of the Heart) said...

You guys always manage to crack me up... Love the green shot...

Jane Anne said...

Oh, I had this perfectly terrible image of a boy sitting in class with a mouthful. That's awful! Then, the porcelain throne and turning green. The picture just killed me. Thanks for the story and picture!

Dana-from chaos to Grace said...

Grrrr..I HATE HATE HATE when Blogger won't let me COMMENT. Darn it all to heck! It ate up my lonnnnnnnnnnng comment that was so funny.

Ew. Now I'm mad.

Blogger, you stink. So there.

Yeah, now it's gonna be eaten for sure huh?

Pam D said...

HEEEE! Oh, the story was priceless, but the picture says a thousand words! I can just see you squirming in that old wooden desk with the arm rest, Mr. Daddy. And I'm bettin' that coach had a paddle that he tricked up in shop class so that it would whistle as he swung it. I do remember the boys at my school being deathly afraid of the coaches and their paddles, even to the point of, yes, swallowing a load of chew to keep from getting busted. Nowdays? I suppose the kid would just look the teacher in the eye and say "so what?"
I'm loaded down with PTA stuff today and can't get a True story post up, but I will piggyback off of yours here. In high school, I had that natural curiousity about smoking, but neither of my parents were smokers. None of my good friends' parents were smokers. And since the village truly DID watch the kids back then, I couldn't dare try to buy any cigarettes; somebody would tell my parents for sure. But one day, when I was home alone, I found an old cigar that someone had given my daddy when they had a baby (another ancient tradition, right, Mr. D?) It had the little blue band and "It's BOY!" across it, and I knew it had been around so long that my dad had likely forgotten about it. So, I lit that nasty stogie up and took a couple of puffs. And then the world started spinning, and I s'pose I looked about as green as Mr. Daddy in that purty picture. Bleeech. I was sick as a dog; I think I convinced my parents that I had a stomach virus. But no more cigars for this girl. Makes my stomach turn even to this day...

Tranquility said...

Haha...
I'm guessing your teacher knew exactly what was going on and figured you'd learn your lesson from hard experience! ;)

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

I feel like I need to visit the porcelin god right now... That is so funny! I would have been laughing so hard if I was in class with you!!

Rachel-- I decided to link up. I wasn't sure if that would "qualify" or not. When we discovered that little notebook, we both laughed until we cried.

Mrs. Nurse Boy

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

That is good stuff. They sure need to make those history pages more absorbent. I am shocked to hear that as a teenage boy you did not think ahead. How odd.

Mr. Nurse Boy

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

By the way that is a nice picture. You look a little jaundiced. You might need to lay off the sauce.

Mr.

Lisa said...

Oh. My. Goodness. I think I am as green as Mr. Daddy's picture! Can I just say, What were you thinking? I can imagine the teacher was thinking, "Ha Ha!" lol I love to hear all these old vintage stories! (couldn't resist) I FINALLY am back in bloggy world, after my camp retreat this past weekend. LOVE the story. Now going to read your previous post I missed.

Shanda said...

I wonder if your teacher didn't already have a good idea of what was going on with you...If he were still alive (is that possible? ;) ) He'd probably join in and share his perspective of the story!! I can just hear him telling his wife about it after school!

I think God preserved you (& Rachel!) by letting you swallow it just once!

brian said...

Yeah, I can remember trying Red Man once.

Once.

Made me dizzy and nauseous...

These days I chew on the little green swizzle sticks you get at Starbucks...After I've finised my grande decaf.

Coffee stirrers: Boy-howdy that's manly!

Pam said...

Well, all I can say is you certainly taught yourself a lesson about that nasty stuff! Ewww!

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