Monday, November 09, 2009

True Story Tuesday by Mr. Daddy

Hey y'all - time for True Story Tuesday! The perfect place to link up those amazing, outrageous, miraculous, hilarious and (mostly) true stories of your own! We all love some linkies and new friends, right? So grab the button from the sidebar and add your post - we'll send some comment love your way!





Barnyard Business



If I have never mentioned that I grew up on a farm, let me tell you that I did.... Mostly.

My Grandparents and Great-Grandparents had a bit of acreage that was mostly farm.
In the beginning it was a strawberry farm (great-grandparents); then when Gramps and Granny got married they were deeded 60 acres and it became cows. They had a few milk cows and some beef and pigs and rabbits, chickens and horses. I don't recall any goats or sheep, but that's neither here nor there for this story....

(Rach in: Honey, we just had this whole conversation about that "that's neither here nor there" comment and how it's so popular and doesn't really make any sense. Yeah - figured you'd throw that in a post first chance ya got :)

My uncle was 10 years older than me, and just about my most favorite person on earth... (yeah, I was the annoying little shadow) and I think that I have mentioned in previous posts how my Gramps and Granny collected all sorts of boarders and people with a need for a place to lay their head...

I think it was my uncle's senior year of high school, and there was a guy that needed a place to stay. Now Ole J.D. (names have been change to protect the guilty) was just about as awestruck by my Unc as I was. Which is short for saying Unc could talk him into just about anything...

And my Unc had a pretty good imagination for the possible....

They where both pretty big into 4-H. My Unc raised and showed pigs and beef. Well, back in the day before every thing became PC (Politically Correct), they taught real life things in 4-H...

When it came time for the topic of herd control (that being artificial insemination and castration), of course the boys were all ears. Now me being 10 years their junior, I was not privy to any classroom enlightenment, but the barnyard tactics were an open and shut case baby...

The intent of this story, however; is not really about either of those topics, but rather how a misused TMS (Tool of Mass Sterilization) can be grossly misused with dire consequences...

(Rach in: I have never heard this story and I am wincing already.)

The 4-H teacher bought a pair of burdizzos - a plier-like implement that cuts the cord from the seminal vesicle to the testicle. It will actually cut a hair folded inside an old zippo paper and not cut the paper (zippo paper is an old roll-your-own-cigarette paper, the hair could just be off your head...*snicker*)

The advantage being it is non invasive. So little chance for infection or bleeding to death from a wrong cut or slip of the knife.

(Rach in: I am still wincing. Is this gonna be a painful one? Guys, I am reading this for the first time).

Well my favorite Unc talked the teacher into letting him bring this medical marvel of non-invasive castration home!!!! Yeah I know... What was he thinking????


There was always something that needed attention in the population control arena, and the weekend that Unc brought the TMS home was no exception....

Now there is not a doubt in my mind that there is a God and He loves me dearly, because that just happened to be one of the weekends that I was scheduled to spend at Grampa's and Granny's (to hang with the big boys).

(Rach in: Yes hon, He knew this would be marvelous True Story Tuesday fodder).

If you have done the math already and my Unc was a senior, that would put me around seven or eight. And yes I was a student of enlightenment in animal husbandry...

(Rach in: Help me out there... I thought "husbandry" was figuring out how to make MORE baby animals, not prevent them? Though I'm not sure the story would be helped either way ;)

Saturday dawned bright, with endless opportunities of practicing said animal husbandry, and practice we did....

We never did figure out how to make them work on a chicken or rabbit...(go figure) but the calves, piglets, and young colts in the fields trembled at the sight of the three of us sneaking around holding a chrome plated pair of pliers with a funny end on them...

(Rach in: I'm sorry, you lost me in hysterical laughter at the thought of you trying to castrate the fowl).

We even figured out how to use them on the cats.....

And therein lies the meat of the story... As I have stated, my uncle was really keen on seeing the possibilities... And as there was pretty much not a non-neutered male anything left on the farm, he quickly saw the possibility of having a whole bunch of bob tailed cats on the farm...

Well having already traumatized just about anything that had a pair and moved, with the TMS's and it being fairly late in the afternoon, it was milking time. We let the cows in the barn and started to milk.

This being the typical farm, Gramps had a couple of old hub caps in the barn that he always poured some milk into for the cats. We had let the cows out and were putting the milk into the milk cans, when my Unc had an epoch of clarity, did I mention that he could talk J.D. into just about anything???

(Rach in: You just love that "epoch of clarity" thing, don't ya hon? Somehow that sounds like a really nice way to describe how he came up with what is bound to result in redneck legend).

The cats where all gathered around the dishes lapping up milk (well the ones that could walk and were brave enough to show themselves anyway)

Unc says to J. D., "I bet that those TMS's would do a fine job of bobbing off the tail of a cat, and seeings as how we have pretty much exhausted our supply of objects in need of said tool, it's up to us to implement new uses of said tool....(might even qualify for extra credit)"

Yep you guessed it, J. D. took the bait like a pro athlete after a syringe of steroids.

I can see the stalk in my mind even now, as Unc and I hid in the stalls.. the cats blissfully lapping away as J.D. quietly sneaks up and slides the burdizzos over the tail of the target...

Did I mention that J.D. wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed??? and had a profound stutter????
Yep he had to pick the biggest meanest old tom on the farm...

Those burdizzos performed flawlessly, they cut through the bone and cartilege like it was butter...

(Rach in: Oh.Good.Lord)

But the skin was just a little tougher than zippo paper, I am here to tell you...

You ever hear the song, I think that Buck Owens sang it... "I've got a tiger by the tail???"

If memory serves correctly, the burdizzos lock over quite similar to vise grips...

I had no idea that cats could get diarrhea!!!! Nor did I think that they could throw cow crap with all four feet for about a barn length... But I guess if you think about it and they are anchored fairly well on the south bound end while fighting desperately for traction while heading north, it is quite feasible to think that...

Did I mention the stutter??? And that was in calm moments!! I'm not even sure how to type the verbal issuance of the next few moments. Now the intent is not to make fun of Old J.D. I love him dearly to this day... But to see him hanging on to that gyrating, crap flinging old tom cat, yelling for help...

Bu Ba baa baa baaa baa Bbaaaa Bud!!!!!!! He He HEl He Hellp!!!!

It was just to much for Unc and I to take... we were slapping each other on the back, rolling around on the floor trying to catch our breath... (not a possibility of help from either of us).

So old J.D. one hands the burdizzos and fishes out his pocket knife....only in his excitement he folds out his scaling blade, and is trying to saw off the tail skin like he is scaling a carp or something. As it turns out not a very efficient means of skinning a cat, which only heightened the hilarity of the whole situation. Not that the cat thought it was humorous at all I'm sure...

(Rach in: And I didn't think it could get any worse. I am seriously about to yell at you for something you laughed about 100 years ago).

And I have a sneaking suspicion that ole J.D. covered in cat scat and cow poop was having a hard time appreciating the heightened sense of hilarity that my Unc and I were sharing, and cared not a whit for the extra credit that awaited him the next Monday in 4-H class...

The proper blade was finally located, the skin properly severed. And do you know what?? After that old cat finally reappeared after a several day hiatus, he was the best looking bobtailed cat on the farm.... And after ole J.D. got washed up right proper like he wasn't half bad himself.

And remember folks, in the words of the esteemed Red Green: " if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy"

~

There ya have it. True Story Tuesday from the farm. Join up your old or new post and share your stories!


27 comments:

Just Add Walter said...

my link didn't work on the mcklinky list so if anyone was wanting to go read my bottle cap story here is the real link:

http://justaddwalter.blogspot.com/2009/11/bottle-caps.html

Just Add Walter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megan said...

Oooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Poor cat!!! =(

Kmama said...

I'm sitting here with my mouth agape. I have no words.

Emily said...

Hm, I don't know if I would call that "handy" though! That poor cat. This is just one of the many reason's I don't want to live on a far...castrating animals and then removing their tails when all castration options are exhausted. Eww! :)

brian said...

Ya know, I've noticed that folks who grew up on farms develop a completely different sense of humor than us kids who grew up in the suburbs, for example :)

We didn't have those scissors thingies laying around the house. Good thing, too. 'Cause my little brother would be childless right now :)

Ouch!

Killlashandra said...

WHAHAHAHAHAH! That's hilarious. Ok, having grown up rural and gone back to living rural and very familiar with animal castration your story just tickled me pink. Although my husband would say who needs a tool, a sharp edge works well and doesn't bleed much if you do it right. ;)Maybe there should be focu on the do it right in that last statement.

Aunt Crazy said...

I am speechless, laughing, but speechless, cuz, well, funny trumps wrong EVERY time...

Killlashandra said...

Alright, I made time this morning and shared a little castration story too. ;)

wife.mom.nurse said...

one word:eeeeeeewwwwwwwww!

Stacy said...

I just hope that your Grandma and Grandpa hadn't wanted to breed anything LOL! Oh those poor old Tom's. Always getting the blunt end of stick!

pixiedreams8 said...

Okay I've got nothing but a tummy ache after reading that...Poor Kitty. I am curious though about your grandparent’s reaction after they discovered all the animals were sterile?

Shana said...

Oh my gosh. I can so see my brother doing that. Sad what us country folks do...lol.

Jennifer Haas said...

That is such a great story. I love farm stories. Funny that is what my true story topic is about this week!

lifebythecreek said...

I'm just wondering what your grandparents thought when suddenly, none of their female ANYTHINGS could conceive. No baby cows, horses, sheep, lambs, piggies, puppies (and the rooster, he just left and never even said goodbye...). As Lewis Grizzard would have said, "Lawd, brother, I don’t believe I’d ‘a told that!” Seriously, I now understand what my husband was talking about when he told me that boys can do some pretty bad things when they're young (after I moaned about how Bug Hunter dropped a rock on a water snake in the creek at a park just to impress the big boys there. He nailed it; the snake was pinned and, I guess, drowned).
Poor kitty.....

Pam said...

Yikes...boys will be boys but that poor cat!
Pam

He & Me + 3 said...

I am so afraid of teenage boys & their antics. Sad to say, but I could totally see Stunt Man pulling a Stunt like this. Poor kitty.

Foursons said...

Wow- that's quite the story Mr. Daddy. How in the world did you keep all that commotion from the Grandparents? I wouldn't call myself an animal lover- but golly gee wiz, that's terrible!

Lisa said...

Okay. I am a daughter of a "farm girl" who is "old" like you raised by "old" parents (are you sure you're not my mom's long lost brother? I mean, seriously. They had boarders and stuff too, and weird stuff always happening. Mooooving on.

I am with Brian, I thought they were gonna practice on YOU. Shew. Close one.

Aside from the fact that cruelty to animals (I mean the cat, as long as the other animals survived, you didn't do any real mutilazation there lol) leads to serial killers, I have absolutely snorted and cried and laughed like an idiot throughout this whole story.

And, yeah, how'd next spring turn out when there was no baby ANYTHINGS except chickens and rabbits (snicker)?

Oh my goodness. I think someone has to be from the country to fully appreciate the greatness of this story.

I have a barn right across the road I could (and did) imagine ALL this happening in. Down to the cats getting fed at milking time. My granny could squirt it in their mouths. Beat that! lol Oh, wait, I think you just did!

Eve said...

OH.MY.GOODNESS!!!

I was on the edge of my seat throughout the entire story, barely breathing, just wincing and groaning as the story got worse and worse, but, like a car wreck, I was completely unable to look away!

SHAME ON YOU!!! You BAD, BAD BOYS!

By the way, I was also LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY throughout! ;)

Oooohhhh, that poor, poor cat.

Lauren said...

I don't even have words...
Oh that poor cat! And poor JD! And what did your grandparents say!!

Melissa said...

Yeah, what did they say to that??? .....wowzer!

Brandi said...

I'm never going to forget this story. Thank you... and why or why did I read this before breakfast?!! :0

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