Sunday, February 14, 2010

Faker Pro - revisited

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As a “Valentime’s” Day gift for y’all (what?  your kids don’t call it that?), I thought I’d repost my “adventure” from Itty Bit’s 2nd heart day.  The kid is MUCH bigger this year, and much faster about running from the camera.  So I wisely decided to choose my battles this year.

This should make y’all feel SUPER grateful for your normal kids, right?

Enjoy – from back when we had something like 7 followers :)

~

FAKER PRO

 

V Day

Awww... you guys are so sweet for making me feel craft-worthy with your comments on the last post.
Seriously... I'm almost embarrassed (okay, I am) to admit just how easy it was. And I'd say it was foolproof too, except that nothing ever is when you involve an almost-2-year-old.

~~~~

First off, go to your nearest craft store. Go back to the section that has those thin wooden letters. Get the biggest ones you can - those will show up best in pictures.

I picked black spraypaint because I figured as long as I dressed the kiddo in light colors, the letters would show up even if I messed with the photo tones.

So... head to the paint department, but do not, I repeat, do NOT get distracted like I did. Do not start to browse through the colors while the liquid craft paints are within your toddler's reach. Seriously, check to make sure he's strapped in (he was), and that he can't lean over to grab bottles of paint (he couldn't... I have no idea how his little body stretched 4 feet across the aisle).

Do not let the aforementioned child hold a bottle of paint, even if it is sealed in a wrapper. Those things are insidiously deceptive!

And 1.14 seconds later, do not screeeeeeam when a fountain of gooey white paint spurts from the said "sealed" container and covers your child.

Do not waste any time freaking out about the actual outfit he is wearing (and the possibility that he has just ruined an adorable matching shirt and pants that he is wearing for the first time). Just get the child to the bathroom quick.

While racing through the store with a cart that has 3 squeaky wheels and one stuck one... do not let the little darling touch you with those ooey-gooey hands. Stand three feet back and push the cart with your index fingers if you have to.

And when your child looks down at his hands and says, "MESSY!", by all means scream hysterically when he begins to run his fingers through his hair.

This may or may not startle him into stopping (or freaking out and crying), but by this point you should be pushing the cart fast enough that he has to hang on with those messy hands anyway.

Find the single-stall bathroom and wait 4 long minutes for the employee with the newspaper to exit. Do not pay any mind to the line of people around you who are gasping and staring at the child who now looks like some kind of tribal mascot.

Claim the bathroom and try to figure out how to unbuckle the sticky mess without actual contact. Also try to figure out how to pull the slimed shirt over his head without sliding it all up his nose and in his mouth. This is the part where you kick yourself for not carrying those little folding scissors in your purse. (No Mr. Daddy, I do not need a Swiss Army knife :)

Get the kiddo stripped down somehow and stare in horror at the stuff that leaked under his shirt. Like all over.

And on skin, this stuff dries like nobody's business. Those pieces of brown paper that they like to pass off as paper towels... grab those and wet them down. Seriously, you'll have to scrub and the kid will scream. He'll end up with a pink tummy and face and white streaks in his hair.

Now this part is important folks. I cannot stress how imperative it is.

Whatever you do... do not look in the mirror.

I guarantee you that you cannot clean up a disaster zone like this without taking some collateral damage. I cannot describle the devastation. It is sealed away in that special little part of my brain labeled "TRAUMA".

Get the kiddo dressed in his spare outfit and throw away the 32 pieces of wet paper towel. Try to exit the bathroom quickly and quietly and find the nearest checkout line.

Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.

Have exact change ready and beat feet to your car. If you must, reapply lipstick for a semblance of normalcy, but avoid looking at your hair or the white handprints on the front of your shirt (yes my friends, they looked quite obscene and rather deliberate).

~~~~

Here's the easy part. Unload the kid and immediately put him down for a nap. Take the spraypaint can and go over the letters with a couple coats. You can seal them if you plan to use them more than once. If you're really crafty, you could do patterns with scrapbooking paper or ???

But you know, I'm not really crafty - I mean, I can't even go to the craft STORE without some kind of fluke drama that only happens to me.

~~~~

Find a spot with good natural light, and consider putting your kiddo on top of something they're too afraid to get down off of. Like a blanket chest or something. Umm, not like I did that or anything. But if I did... it would have at least kept the kid in camera range.

Start clicking away. Thank the good Lord for digital and the increased odds that you'll get a decent shot without spending $26.97 on prints.

~~~~

Folks, I tried everything to keep this kid's attention. Do what you must. For two shots, making monkey sounds worked. One was playing peek-a-boo with the letter. For another one I told him it was a phone. Yeah, it didn't make sense to me either.

~~~~

Be prepared that the letters may not survive unscathed. As you can see, Itty Bit was in a snacking mood. As well as a launch-them-across-the-room-and-giggle mood. So the "E" is currently an "F". *sigh*

~~~~

Trust me, this doesn't work in just 5 shots. Take a look at a few of the ones we DIDN'T use!

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Somehow... don't you just feel so NORMAL after reading this??? :)

25 comments:

Foursons said...

Oh my goodness- I'm so glad you reposted this. Hilarious!!!! I was cracking up as you were running full speed to the bathroom and Itty Bit had to hold on for dear life to the cart for fear he would be flung 50 feet away if he did not. Hahahahaha

robin said...

What a treat! I LOL! a few times as I read that! I love your sense of humor!!! I really really love that idea.

...I might borrow your idea to do something like that while my toddler is still little. (I'm definitely not crafty so that's why I like others to do it first and give me the details so this was perfect!)

Michelle Pixie said...

I am dying! Your photo tutorial was a riot!! And the thing is I am totally going to steal your idea and hope I get some resemblance of cuteness like you got. Man Itty Bit is too dang cute!!

I don't know if I would have ever been able to leave the bathroom because I probably would have been in hysterics and not in a good way. This is why I NEVER EVER go shopping with the kids without my hubby in tow! ;)

Happy Valentime’s Day!! (Yes, my kiddos totally call it that too!)

K said...

Rach
You are such a funny sweetheart - really I love your sense of humor
Always kind - frequently self deprecating - your posts put such a smile on my face
Happy Valentine day to you darling girl and to your sweet guys

He & Me + 3 said...

Have a very Happy Valentine's Day!

I believe I remember these pictures. He is so cute and you are always having some fun huh?
Hugs,
Mimi

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

I guess I am normal, after all!! ADORABLE pictures of you little man!!

Mrs. NB

Just Add Walter said...

oh my that just sounds like the best story ever!! at least the pictures turned out great!!

Kmama said...

HILARIOUS!!

The part about standing three feet away and using your index fingers had me totally giggling.

Emily said...

Adorable. And it's so fun to go back and look at old pictures!

Melissa said...

This kid is going to be quite the funny little man!
With his parents humor,
oh my!
Watch out!
What a cutie pie you have!

renee said...

so hysterical!!!!!! love the pics!

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

I fell insanely normal however I can imagine this happening in my family.No problem. Of course, I would NEVER get actual photos of my boys with those adorable letters!

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Excuse the pun, but I LOVE this post! What a fantastic idea, those pictures are AWESOME, and I loved the accompanying story!

Thanks! Have a great week!

Kameron said...

I still call it Valentimes day. :o) Old habits die hard. The pictures turned out so cute. Too bad you were traumatized befor eyou got to take them!

Becca said...

you totally crack me up :-) seriously, how do you have the best stories??!!

City girl turned Country Girl said...

I too am cracking up reading this and also wondering how in the heck do you have such funny stories!! I swear I haven't had this much humor in my whole life combined!! I'm sadly very boring :(

I absolutely LOVE the picture with the O around his face LOL!!

Aunt Crazy said...

OMG...omgomgomg...I'm laughing so hard in my cubicle that people are staring at me.

HeatherOz said...

I am TOTALLY going to copy this idea! It should be a little bit easier for me cuz I will just have each kid hold one letter! But thank you so much for the tips on how to make the letters! I could see Daisy doing something like that so hopefully I will go to the craft store prepared!!

semicrunchymama said...

This is probably the single most hysterical thing I have ever read here on your blog...and you've written some absolutely wonderfully hysterical posts. I actually snorted orange juice OUT MY NOSE while reading this...thanks a lot!

Anyways, I love this idea, and I'm going to shamelessly steal it from you to do for my husband for Father's Day.

Dyann said...

Thank you for the tears in my eyes as I laugh at your (mis)adventure. Love it.

And what a great idea! (Except for the paint, that wasn't a great idea.)

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