Monday, March 08, 2010

True Story Tuesday - Visually Challenged

Hey y'all - time for some True Story Tuesday fun! Y'all know the rules - write your hilarious, amazing, outrageous, miraculous and (mostly) true stories and link up below for some visits from your favorite bloggy friends. You guys have come up with some doozies that seriously tested our bladder control and we can't wait for this week!

This week brought to you by the wickedly verbose Mr. Daddy - though Rachel reserves the right to jump in and "explain" any little silly errors she may notice ;)


I'm quite sure that you all know that Rach is profoundly deaf.

If any of you are familiar with the movie Princess Bride, and the scene with Miracle Max where Wesley the Farm Boy says "Too blave", and Miracle Max goes on to explain that he (Farm Boy) is not dead, just mostly dead.....

WELLLLLLL, that is kinda like my Rach. she is not totally deaf, just mostly deaf.

Now that explains that, but does nothing to shed any light on the visually challenged distinction that she has been earning for herself....

Like the time she mistook a German Shepherd that she ran over for a moose.

(Rach in: Alrighty, I can already tell that you are well on your way to butchering this story. Just scoot on over and let me tell them the TRUTH about how that all went down. Cuz Lord knows you haven't given me a moment's peace about it since the traitor *cough DAD cough* told you about this particular gem...

So according to RACHEL, who is the only witness to this aforementioned bloody debacle:

It was a dark and stormy night.
No, for reals... it really was.

I was on my way home from my late night ballet class and it was raining buckets in the good ol' Pacific Northwest. I was a new driver (no comments from the peanut gallery about my legendary "New Driver" status), and trying my darndest to make it home safely in my teeny four-door Civic.

When suddenly in the road before me appeared a large prostrate form (I am NOT admitting that I am madly giggling because I mix up the words to "All Hail The Power of Jesus' Name, Let Angels PROSTATE Fall").

I swerved but it was too late. A massive BUMP jarred my entire little car and caused no small freakout for this 16-year-old ballerina who nearly peed her tights.

I was too terrified to stop and could see nothing through the sheets of rain. I got home and looked at the front of my car. My parents came outside at the sound of my hysterics. The bumper was painted a lovely shade of red and there were chunks of "stuff" stuck in the undercarriage.

I begged my dad to drive back to the scene with me to make sure nothing was still alive - though I was certain whatever it was had been not-alive before our little encounter. He quite bemusedly refused.

"What was it Rach?"

"I don't know *sob*, but it was BIG!"

"Was it a deer?"

"I don't know Dad *sob*, it was SOOOO BIG!"

"What, was it a moose or something?"

"What? I don't know *sob*"

And that, my friends, was "how I hit a moose".

Would you guys please let this total legend DIE?!?


Mr. Daddy back in: I for one do not know how or why an Angel's Prostate, (fallen or in any other kind of condition has anything to do with this.) But you just gotta love this Girl...

Does an Angel even have a Prostate????

Ok! Ok!!!! back to the point.

Friday morning, which dawned clear and crisp, quite the opposite of a dark and stormy PNW night; Rach and I get up to start the day. Her to work, me to tend to Itty Bit and await her return...

She leaves the house in typical ladylike fashion "pushing the clock to the last minute" So imagine my concern when my cell rings a few minutes later and it says Rachel.

Now your got to remember that she is mostly deaf, we rarely try to talk on the phone... Lots of text (cause she is good that way) but little to no talking...

"Hello.... Rach..... whats wrong????"


"Yea..... Rach..... whats wrong"


"RACH......whats wrong"

"Hon, R U there?"

"YES... R you OK"

"YEAAAAaaah!!!! there is a dead cougar in the road.... you know in the S-corner by the new house on the hill?"

"OK ..... R U OK?"

"yea. I'm sure it's a cougar"

(Rach in: In my defense, I can basically either hear if there is a sound or no sound... especially on that "s" curve where calls get dropped... quit picking on yer deaf wife, dude :)

(Mr. Daddy back in: yeah on the corner where Prostateless Angels fear to tread...)

I'm thinking OK what am I supposed to do with this????

Well, Itty Bit who usually sleeps much later is rudely awaken by all the caterwauling that I have been doing to communicate with my beloved...

So I'm thinking that it might be neat to get some pictures of this since it is very unusual for a cougar to be hit on the road...

"Yea shoulda gone with my gut feeling on this one"

I get Itty Bit dressed and hustle him out to the truck and head to the S corner with the new house on the hill....

As we round the corner there is a prostrate figure. (with not an Angel in sight I might add) which is roughly the size of a small cougar....

At which point all simalarities end....

It is quite spread out across the white line, with entrails strecthed out behind, which could be I guess mistaken for a long tail, and it was a brindle brown color, not truly cougar yellowish orange, but close enough I guess...and a head that was full of big teeth, more canine than feline. with a more block like head than round and furry like a cat....

Yes folks my Rach's cougar was the new house on the hill's pet Pit Bull.... AKA road pizza....

Rach In: So Mr. Daddy text messages his wife about the non-cougar... who was so-very cougar-like in color, size, and shape, and all I can think is, ""

To which my lovely husband replies, "what's it worth to you?"

I go merrily about my workday and lo-and-behold, Mr. Daddy's brother walks right up, punches me in the arm, and says, "a cougar, huh?" and collapses in laughter.

Thanks, hon.


Mr. Daddy back in: As if that weren't bad enough... the same Brush Ape brother calls me up today and says, "you're not gonna believe this... but his wife just called and said that there is a dead cougar on the road between his place and town.....

But it looks like she knows the difference between a dog and a cat, and a dog and a moose...LOL

Rach in: I tell ya, it's a roadkill conspiracy!


You know you've got some of these nutty stories buried in your blogs or in your family legends! Just grab the button code from the right sidebar, paste it into your post and link it up below. (Make sure to link the actual post, not your entire blog - otherwise your post will get lost). We'll be by for some comment love!


City girl turned Country Girl said...

BAHAHAH LOL!!!! I seriously think all I do when I read your stories is LAUGH!!!!! OH Rach, I believe you ;)

Anonymous said...

Can I just say how much I love posts like this, with the back & forth between both of you! So funny!

Kmama said...

LOL!!how funny!! I don't think I would even know what a cougar looked like. I'd just be saying some BIG cat-like thingy. LOL

Unknown said...

lmbo I just found ya'll today and I am glad I did.. I will add your botton to my blog carnival roll on my page.. cougar *snort.. Ok in her defense in that moment I can totally relate to thinking one thing and finding out another.

Dana said...

{snicker snicker} I'm not laughing AT you.....

...I'm laughing WITH you!

Or rather Mr Daddy on this one! LOVE YOU RACHEL! HAAAAAAA

Michelle Pixie said...

Bwahahahah! I wouldn't know either Rach! I'd say you obviously have some left over trauma from the first road kill and they all need to be a little nicer to you when it comes to identifying such things. At least this time it wasn't your road kill! =)

Pam said...

I look forward to True Story Tuesday with you guys....for one, the stories are never dull and for the other, its great how you both jump in on the it.

{Kimber} said...

the two of you crack me up!!!
haaaaaaaahaaaaaa! so funny!

Adrienne said...

That entire post was hilarious!

Foursons said...

OK Rachel, I need to go back and make sure you had my back on the Ram running through my front yard story before I can take your side. 'Cause alls fair in love and blogging as long as you're nice to me, right? Right?!

And I think it's time you pull out some embarrassing but true stories about Mr. Daddy. You certainly owe him a couple!

Emily said...

ROTF. Hilarious. Although I totally sympathize with Rachel. When you're driving along not expecting to see something random like that it can be a shock. Once I thought I hit a hawk with my car and when we went out too look, it was just a teeny bat stuck to the front bumper. (Disgusting, I know.) But I swear it looked bigger flying at my car!

HeatherOz said...

You two are so funny! Rach, I would say next time just drive on by! Pay no attention to the carcass!

Margaret said...

Lol that is too funny!

He & Me + 3 said...

OMGosh I can't stop laughing. Too funny!

Michelle said...

Oh goodness! That is hilarious!

Brandi said...

OMW! Okay, as a lover of German Shepherds, Daddy Bub must NOT read this. LOL!

TheRixonFive said...

LOL!!! The moose, the angel's prostate, the reference to the Princess Bride ... I can't catch my breath!

Aunt Crazy said...

LMAO y'all are so great together!!! Rach...I've got your back when it comes to identifying animals...who cares exactly what kind it is, it's just a dead animal dangit!!!

Lisa said...

oh, my goodness... i am totally cracking up here. You guys are something. and I am with Julie, time to break out the "uglies" on Mr. daddy. Just sayin'.

Leiah said...

Oh Lordy Be! You just reminded me of another great Katiebug story. Stay tuned!

Killlashandra said...

LMAO- road kill conspiracy! That's just awesome. I can share some stories about how people hit cows, in the dark, on an open dirt road, with a full moon. hahahahahaha Ah well, accidents happen. ;)

Foursons said...

Do you realize that this post is not published as your newest entry? I was so confused for a while. I linked to your homepage and not to this post and so no one from my page is finding it.

And the official word is in Mr. Daddy. Rachel is of sound mind and body and therefore any more harrassment of her is punishable by severe beatings about the head and neck.

(Rachel do you need my address to send me that $20?)

Julie Ball said...

Hahaha! I once hit a dog with my bike... maybe I should start a true story list. I've never linked up before today because I can't think of my funny true stories whenever Tuesday rolls around. So somebody remind me next Monday night about the dog-bicycle incident. :P

lsnellings said...

That is really funny! Although not for the people in the new house on the hill! Don't feel bad, I probably would have mistaken a pit bull for a cougar too.

Danielle said...

Too funny. The both of your crack me up, always. Don't feel bad. I can not see. I have to ask my husband to find my glasses on the night stand right next to me before I get out of bed. It is no good.

I want an embarrassing story on Mr. Daddy! I know he's got some in the closet.

Big Mama Cass said...

HAHAHA I just snorted because I laughed so hard. Now hubby is making fun of me.

Heather said...

At least you're mistaking animals for animals!! I freak out driving on the backroads from Johnson Point, thinking that every stupid MAILBOX is a deer, raccoon, moose, cougar, whatever. I swerve (or if I'm the passenger, I scream, grab the door, etc.) and Chad will always say, "Oooh, watch out! A scary mailbox!" Ugh.

You're too funny. : )

p.s. more signs for Aidan - he's doing "open" and "dog"!! Woohoo!!! And I decided I'm adding a few signs to "Yellow Submarine" for my Beatles concert. Heehee "Submarine" is pretty fun!

"Julie" said...

omg i died laughing! came upon your blog today and love!! will be back for more!

brian said...

Only you two could, in the same post, reference a prostate, a moose, ballerina tights, a cougar (although I expected it to be the species with too much make up and a glass of white zinfandel), and pit bull...

Is Mr. D really "verbose" :)

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

Too funny!!!

Mrs. NB

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