Friday, April 30, 2010

Letters of Intent - Winning Souls

It’s Letters of Intent – brought to you by the oft-imitated, ne’er equaled Julie of Foursons fame.  Don’t be shy about linking up – didn’t your momma teach you that letter writing was important? :)

(Yes Mom, I’m sorry… I know you’re aghast that I abuse letter-writing so)

Foursons

 

Okay, now that I’m feeling guilty about someone stumbling upon this and thinking that I have something against a certain religion – let me just say that I have friends who are Jehovah’s Witness, Catholic, Baptist, Pentecostal, atheist, and everything in-between.  One of the fastest and dearest friends I ever made was a Mormon neighbor (yes Lisa, we still miss you and your family… move back soon okay?).

So this week’s letter is only directed at this PERSON, rather than the religion they represent.  Cuz whatever your religion, you gotta be nice to the deaf chick, right?

~

 

Dear Trespassing Lady (see, toldya I was being nice) ~

Yes, I realize that I looked terrible.

Terrible is probably an understatement.

I know my hair was in a ponytail, my face was sporting zero makeup, and I was dressed in a t-shirt and sweats.

Since this was my FIFTH day stuck in the house with the mother of all upper respiratory infections, you are lucky I had showered and was wearing a bra (you’re welcome).

I also realize that my son (who has supersonic hearing) raced to the door a few seconds before I could haul my aching cough syrup-drugged butt there too.

As you stood there in your mauve and teal floral glory and looked me up and down disapprovingly (taking note of the unkempt appearance, pajama wardrobe, severely bloodshot eyes), I’m sure you assumed I was some sort of alcoholic mommy whose soap operas you’d just interrupted.

But before I could say anything in defense of your obvious disgust, I was blown away by the words that came out of your mouth.

With the most unholy condescending look, you nearly knocked me over:

“I was just telling your son that he should NOT be opening the door for strangers… HMMMPF!”

 

Oh you dinnt.  Surely you dinnt.

Cuz lady, you do realize that you are on MY PROPERTY?

And you have just managed to insult me for somehow not beating a hyper cabin-fever-crazed 3-year old to the door when he had a good 2 second headstart in hearing you walk up the porch steps.

You do realize, as you listen to my cracked and hoarse voice that I have been dreadfully sick and living on Vicks and Sudafed and Nyquil and this might cause a chick to be less than tolerant of this type of intrusion?

While you appeared quite self-satisfied that you had sufficiently shamed me, your poor elderly co-missionary stood behind you and stared at the floor in embarrassment.

That wasn’t enough.  You couldn’t let it go.  I croaked, “I’m sorry, I’m sick” and reached for the door.

 

YOU STUCK YOUR HAND IN THE DOORWAY.

 

My eyes widened – did you even see?  I can tell you my 3-year old sure did… he climbed up my leg because he now knew you were playing with fire.

 

You leveled another stern look at me and repeated yourself.

Are you kidding me?  You had to drive on 2-1/2 acres of my property just to get to my porch.  And you’re going to chew me out for my son opening his own back door?

I was trying to be kind.  I said the only thing that my very exhausted and ticked off brain could think of.

“I’m DEAF.  I didn’t hear the door.  I was right behind him.”

 

Oh LORDY.

Let the show begin.

She doesn’t change her stern look at all, but orders me to WAIT.

Wait?  I’m gonna tell you again that I’m sick.  And you’re gonna leave me alone before I draw your attention to the in-law’s big dogs next door.

She says  v e r y    s l o w l y:  Waaaaait, Iiiiii  forrrrrrgggot.  Iiiiiii caaaaaannnnnt reeeeememmmmmmmbbberrrr.

And tries doing some gobbledigook sign language pantomime thing about losing her memory.

OH MY LORD.

 

I don’t have time for this, I don’t have patience.  And I’m sicker than heck.  And now she’s talking to me like I’m someone that doesn’t understand English.

 

Once more, “I’m sorry, I’m sick” and I go to close the door.

 

(take a guess)

 

Oh yes… she threw that hand in there again.

 

Cuz Lord Knows, her brand of religion is so appealing to me right now and she must, absolutely must not leave my residence without giving me some reading material to learn all about how I can become like her.

 

And this is the part where I very nearly just gave up and started laughing.  Because it didn’t make any sense at all and all I could think was, “I CAN NOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP”.

(And then I thought about y’all and just knew it was a blog post waiting to write itself).

She flips through her stack of 14 pounds of literature and finally settles on a W@tchtower magazine.  She flips through it (while I wait with flared nostrils and one eyebrow dangerously arched).

My shoulder is aching because Itty Bit is holding on like a terrified monkey.

She finally settles on the back.  She flips it over toward me and points to the picture.  It’s an asian family with a rainbow in the background.

rainbow (Google)

She taps it in great satisfaction and slowly overenunciates:

Sommmmme daaaaay (tap tap), yooooooou willlllll heeeeeearrrrr agaaaaaaaain.

Some day you will hear again?!?!  What on EARTH does that have to do with the rainbow asaians?

 

I cover my dumfounded guffaw in a choking fit and gasp “Thank You” as I firmly close the door.

I put the little monkey down and bend to his eye level.

 

Honey, those are BAD people.  That was a MEAN lady.  We don’t let them in the house.  Never.

 

Am I a horrible person for wondering if that parting cough was contagious?

 

Signed,

The Woman Who Will Introduce You Ladies To the B*oob-Snacking Horse Next Time

 

p.s. You are insanely lucky Mr. Daddy didn’t greet you at the door in his tighty-whities and yell, “Do you want to party?!?!”

30 comments:

Buckeroomama said...

Goodness, Rachel, you totally cracked me up with that P.S.!! I'm trying to picture the subsequent scene if that were to actually happen! :)

I hope you feel much better soon.

JenniferNe said...

My dad did that once, answered the door in his tighty-whities. He worked 2nd shift and was still sleeping when they very persistently knocked. Lets just say he was never bothered by them again!

I love your stories!

Leiah said...

1. You're much nicer than me. The first time she refused to leave or stuck her hand in the door, I would have developed a horrible coughing fit and it never would have occurred to me to cover my mouth - only direct the germs her way.

2. My uncle, who is my godfather, keeps a pair of bubba teeth in a drawer of their hall table. When his door is selected to be knocked upon, he'll put them in, answer the door and say, "Y'all c'mon in and let's talk about the Lord!"...in a very loud, overly exaggerated accent. Works every time. They just shove the pamphlet at him and retreat.

TheRixonFive said...

Okay, for whatever reason I never type this ... but O to the M to the G! Those people can be so obnoxious! And I am completely perplexed by the literature she handed you. I'm going to be chewing on that all day long. =)

Do you want to party?!?!?!?! -- cracks me up!

i had a JW incident here last weekend, and my sister was here. She laughed so hard, she said I HAVE to blog about it. Maybe I'll do that for True Story Tuesday.

S Club Mama said...

She should have just said, oh excuse me when you said you were SICK. Ugh. Some people have no sense of propriety.

Crystal @ Semi-Crunchy Mama said...

Unbelievable!!! That was beyond obnoxious (her, not you!) How did you restrain yourself from just closing the door on her hand?!?

I hope you're feeling better -- upper respiratory infections are pure misery.

Kmama said...

Oh my goodness. You handled that much better than I would have. How rude of her.

LOL at the idea of Mr. Daddy answering the door in his undies. LOL

renee said...

we are sickie buddies this week rach. i'm serious...i think we are the same person. i had a visitor yesterday...air conditioner fixer guy. i was wearing pajama pants, tank top, no bra! so embarrassed. i opened the door and turned around to run in my bedroom for a sweatshirt. ei yi yi!
but seriously...you should have broke her hand off in the door. TOTALLY inappropriate!!!!
hope you're feeling much better!!!! love.

Fire Wife Katie said...

Lol! I can't believe she stuck her hand in the door like that, TWICE!

{Kimber} said...

OH MY WORD!! I CAN NOT believe that!! people kill me!

Kara @ His, Hers and Ours said...

Yeah, you can't make this stuff up. Fo' sho! Geese Louise!!

You were MUCH nicer than I would have ever thought of being. Ack!!

I hope you're feeling better!!

Brandi said...

Holy cow! I cannot believe she stuck her hand in the door MORE THAN ONCE!!! I don't have anything against any certain type of religion either, but WHY is it ok for them to bother you at home? Why is it ok for ANYONE to bother you at home? I CANNOT stand solicitors.

singedwingangel said...

OK see my first thought was oh so you believe God can heal , ( no offense I know he does bot follow me here) .. soo when I close this door on your rude hand I expect you best be starting that prayer chain now.. Just soya know.. I have a quick answer for them... I believe in Jesus, he is my best friend, my confidante, my healer, deliverer and guess what I believe that ther is a rapture.. nothing against getting a blood tranfusion, and that God gave doctors the knowledge they hve to HEAL and help people...
that tends to send em packing..
cause my next line is I will pray that the spirit of God rest upon you and open your eyes to the truth of who he is and what his desire for you is to do and it is NOT to be irritating and annoying to people..
I have relatives that are JW and we agree to disagree on things but they are NEVER that rude about it and do not condone it...

Kelly said...

I would have slammed her hand in the door.

Hope you feel better soon - although I hate you feel bad, this was a very funny post!

Foursons said...

Oh.my.gosh. She drove 2.5 miles to so rudely berate your parenting and stick her hand in your door (TWICE) so as not to allow you to retreat into YOUR home? You're right Rachel- only you do these things happen. And I so love that you were thinking about us as the whole thing was playing out. I bow to you my friend. Because as Singedwingangel said, that woman would need to be asking God to heal her broken hand. I very well just might have broken it as the door slammed in her face.

Oh and the rainbow asian people? Hahahahaha- I would LOVE to know the correlation between them and your hearing. Maybe because they are asian they need extra saving grace from God. Bwahahahahahahaha!

Thanks for linking up and using this story for an LOI and not a TST! (I love all of our made up initials.)

robin said...

I am so seriously LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to even reread it so I could laugh some more! Thanks for the laughs!! (My hubby invites them in and questions them at length and they have a difficult time leaving, lol!)

Tara said...

Last summer, I was certain my house was being targeted. They would knock on my door, which I DO NOT answer (unless I know you and know you are coming), stick their literature in and leave. Leave as in leave the whole subdivision....not leave as in going to another house. Two days later, they would come back. You handled it better than most people.

the Spocks said...

Thank God my kid cannot unlock the door. She can open it. We often get accosted by the Mormons they live in our neighborhood.

I never dress up while at home with my kid, why bother. That lady was just crazy pure crazy.

HeatherOz said...

Wow! Sign me up! Really great examples for thier church!
I really wish Mr. Daddy had answered the door like that!

Beth said...

Okay! That was a great story very well told and I LOVE your blog! I'm afraid she wouldn't have escaped me without a need for healing from either a broken hand or a blackened eye! Sigh!

So glad to have found you via LoI. I'm going to follow so I can find you again! :)

Beth
http://bethaworkinprogress.blogspot.com/

Tara G. said...

ROARING (inside because my kids are sleeping)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michelle Pixie said...

Nothing makes me crazier then people pushing their religion on me! I was in the grocery store the other day and they accosted me;-). GAH! You were pretty nice in my book...If she comes knocking on my door I won't be nearly as nice!

Morgan said...

Oh wow! You can't make that up! Im sorry she was like that. Some people dont have any tact what so ever. Hope you feel better soon.

He & Me + 3 said...

For real? That is just crazy. Rachel...only you! You are a better person than me. :) Hope that you are feeling better soon. Get your running shoes on so you can make it to the door first next time...You do know their will be a next time...right?

City girl turned Country Girl said...

LOL my eyes went WIDE at the very line above "my eyes widened"!! WOW that lady seriously has some nerve!! But yes GREAT post!! I can't quit giggling over the chinese people with the rainbow?! WTH?!

wife.mom.nurse said...

Seriously?

What a complete NUTCASE she is!

putting her hand in the way of your door...

very tempting to do the knuckle crusher!

Wow, that is quite a story! Hope you are both feeling much better!

Oh, bring some of the cough syrup to Seattle, that stuff sounds gooooood! LOL :)

Dana-from chaos to Grace said...

I heart you.

Totally and completely.

That is HILARIOUS! In a very not nice way of course. LOL I say sick the horse on her.

Gosh, or Mr Daddy in the tidy-whities.

Either way, I totally heart you, and I'm totally unashamed if that sounds gay. HAAAAAAA

Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

That story is just crazy! You are way too nice. I so would have slammed the door on her fingers. You really should have introduced her to the horse. ;)

Kameron said...

Don't you know Asian rainbows are the treatment of the future? They can cure anything. Deafness, incontinence and bunions just to name a few!

Good lawd lady, I would have pushed that woman right off of my porch.

Liz (Loving Mom 2 Boys) said...

It amazes me that their acts to save people actually ended turning people further away. how can someone be so clueless....

sidenote....I laughed so hard hubby woke up (sadly he wasn't so amused...fortunately he fell back asleep)