Thursday, December 09, 2010

I'm Not Even Kidding - Horses in winter


While the horses may not especially enjoy the cold weather,


I’m guessing the feeling is mutual when it comes to anyone caring for outdoor pets right now.

(And for the record, she’s making that face because I won’t let her come inside.  Petulant little thing).


The neverending battle against mud is one thing… but traipsing out into the brrr to serve dinner and break ice in the water buckets can leave you chilled.


snowy horses


Oh, I mean, if your hose hasn’t frozen over… if it has, then the added joy of hauling warm water from the house by small buckets will make your horse love you forever.

Or just stare at you in confusion as her trough steams in the snow.  Whatever.


I apparently have made an enemy out of yet another inanimate object (lest you forget about last year’s coffee table that attempted to maim me – and the fact that I’ve been too embarrassed to tell y’all that the same blasted piece of furniture just destroyed my kneecap again two days ago.  I’m limping right now y’all).

So I’m dragging my bum leg outside in the pitch black to throw my nickering girl some hay.  I am totally not admitting that I wore Mr. Daddy’s redneck hat/flashlight combo so that I could see past my feet.  I run around the stall and turn the hose on to fill my beloved horse’s water bucket.

She is eyeball deep in a haypile and completely ignores my freezing butt standing a few feet away in a downpour (without a redneck hat/flashlight combo… we clear?)

I pull the hose out after seeing a few leaves swirling in the bucket and decide to dump ‘em.  (I didn’t see those leaves with a redneck hat/flashlight combo.  I’m a city girl, savvy?)

When I slipped the hose back into the clean bucket… the thing came to life and attacked me.

garden-hose-gun google

I kid you not, the thing rose straight up out of the bucket and launched skyward.

Shooting a massive spray of water that beautifully drenched the non-redneck-hat/flashlight-combo-wearing girl all over her right side.

With my catlike reflexes (you know, those instincts that help me NEVER to get hurt in dumb ways?), I lunged for the weapon hose just as it whipped around again.

And I kid you not… as my hand wrapped around that little punk, I realized instantly that the most improbable thing had just occurred…

That sucker had launched itself six inches up my right sleeve and was wedged snugly halfway up my elbow.


Gushing freezing water.  With all the tenacity of a fire hose with an inferiority complex.

Fire Hose Google

While my coat sleeve just kept right on holding it in like a good little lined jacket.

Seven hours later, I’m still buddying up to the fireplace.


And she?


Didn’t even look up to see what all the screaming was about.


City girl turned Country Girl said...

ROFL!!! OH MY GOODNESS! To be a fly on the wall!! LOL!! And I won't admit to wearing one of those head-band fitted flashlight thingies either....;)

Mom of M&Ms said...

Could you start adding a disclaimer at the beginning of these posts...Like I may need a tissue for the tears fram all the laughter.. "casue seriously, this stuff happens to me all the time, only then it is not funny!

Foursons said...

Reason #834 that I think you're on The Truman Show.

singedwingangel said...

Sweetie we need to get you a rubber suit with fitted wrist guards apparently..Iam laughing with you seriously. Oh wait your not laughing right..ummm moving along

Shana said...

First of all I totally understand tromping out in the freezing cold to feed and water a horse. Man, they have no clue lol. Breaking ice is NO FUN and like you said, i fyour hose is frozen?!?! But you have to love them. But thankfully the hose has only attacked me when it was warm outside haha. Bless your heart.

Anonymous said...

Oh lawd, I remember the days of breaking ice. When I kept my horse at a friend's farm, she used an old bathtub as the watering trough. Gaaah.. I hated, hated cold weather. Well, other than the fact that the "horse apples" were easier to pick out of the hay because they were frozen little rocks and didn't break apart. The hose... the demon hose.. that made me laugh! And it reminded me of this letter:

April 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My butt crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my butt" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your butt. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.


Melissa said...

Have I told you lately that I love you!

robin said...


We 'traips' around here too! I had never heard anyone else use it (or have seen it written.) I'm just glad I don't have to do it in mud in very cold weather like that! :)

Susan said...

Reading your story made me so cold that I had to put on a sweater in sympathy! I've been attacked by my garden hoses (and a few hose-wielding grandkids) a number of times, but always in the warm weather. I can't imagine the agony of cold water in freezing weather!

i must say, the jellyfish story in the previous comment made me feel a little less sorry for you, though, and a tad more sorry for him. **grin**

Allenspark Lodge said...

I think I now understand more fully why "getting hosed" would be considered a bad thing.

It's probably better that your horse wasn't laughing...


Tiffany said...

Well of course Kona didn't notice. She's Arabian, right? Aren't those peasant chores beneath her?

And I am totally cracking up at both you and jellyfish man. I can't even imagine. Nor do I want to.

GunDiva said...

Do you think the "we sale online generic valium" is just a spam comment or someone who really thinks you might need some right about now?

Heather said...

Ok really I need a witness on this one. You should write a book!

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha Gun Diva! Do you think they read this post? Or maybe some of the previous ones? Maybe they offer a bulk discount... we KNOW they don't offer English classes.

Stacy said...

Oh you accident prone girl, you! LOL!

I remember the days of water buckets completely frozen top to bottom. We usually tried to have a heat wrap on the water pipe in the barn, but we couldn't use hoses usually because the would freeze up. NOthing like freezing cold water sloshing on you from a 5 gallon bucket! Oh the good old days LOL! :)

Saimi said...

Oh dear my horse loving friend. First off this is not the 1800's there is such thing as a water heater. We use it for our watering trough and never have to break ice. It sits at the bottom of the trough and keeps the water from icing over.

I couldn't help but laugh as I imagined you wrestling with a hose in the freezing weather but I totally can picture it happening. Our hose has the same personality!

Buckeroomama said...

Oh, Rachael! BRRRR! I already protest loudly when my husband washes his hands in the bathroom sink while I'm in the shower --just for those few seconds of cooler water.

Maybe after this, you might just be ready for the annual Polar Bear swim they have in Vancouver on New Year's Day!

Anonymous said...

Life is never dull with you guys is it? Why would the horse care as long as he eventually gets food.

HeatherOz said...

Oh Rachel! Only you! I am FREEZING thinking of the hose up your sleeve! brrrrrrrrrrrrr! said...

I am cold just thinking about it!!!!

And this, my friend, is one of the big reasons I am a city girl-with only a very brief detour into country girl life!

I only want to go out and feed my animals in perfect weather...

CRAZY sister!

(That letter in Pam's comment...what a story. oh my gosh! too funny!)

renee said...

rach, i think that you are my long lost twin sister. these scrapes happen to me ALL the time!!

Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

What a nightmare! I'm cold just reading it. As much as I wish my horse lived at my house, I'm really glad I don't have to trudge outside every morning in the winter!

Killlashandra said...


However, we know about breaking ice too, however this year I swear it will never get cold enough to do it. Which is probably a good thing considering our lack of heat right now...hmmmm...

Kelly said...

Okay I know that I've commented on this one already, but I have some horsey questions for ya!! I'm looking at a Tenn Walker this Saturday to maybe bring on home with me! I'm so excited, but I need some advice......