Tuesday, January 04, 2011

I'm Not Even Kidding - Attack of the Liquids

I totally intended to finish catching up on our Christmas post.

But then life just kinda hits ya upside the head (or on the back of the head, in Itty Bit’s case)..

If last week was the attack of the solids, the last few days have been one insidious liquid-fest.


To start with… how on earth do you wash a kid’s hair when he’s got a big ole cut and bandage?



Especially when he really needs a good shampoo after playing in the flour and sugar and LAYING DOWN IN IT.


Now he looks like he has some really sparkly dandruff.


Let’s just say that someone wasn’t too upset that he didn’t have to get his head wet…


Somehow, he still managed to get the entire bathroom soaked anyway…




Liquid #2?


The barstool in front of the refrigerator was a dead giveaway.

I grabbed the camera and snuck up on a certain kiddo.







(By this point, you didn’t need to be able to hear to know that he was going MMMMM!)


Excuse me honey?  Did you ask if you could have some ice cream?


Oh but Mommy, I was just pretending!



(Stifling laughter from behind the camera)

Honey, it’s not pretending when it’s dripping down your chin…



Liquid #3?


Itty Bit decided to “help” clean the kitchen.

Trust me, when your 4-year old says, “Mommy, I made a pool”…

RUN, don’t walk.


Preferably with about 14 kitchen towels.


He “cleaned” with exactly 7/8 of an entire container of this:

Dawn soap


Specifically, in copious amounts all over the floor and underneath the microwave.

And upon attempting to clean it, we were nearly forced out of the house by bubbles.


Our apologies to everyone in town.




Liquid #4?

Itty Bit trying to pour himself a glass of juice.  Which meant that I turned to see him hightailing it out of the kitchen saying, “it was an ACCIDENT!”

You know… I can handle “accidents”.  But this particularly spectacular crime scene meant that the juice had reactivated the soap residue covering eleventy square feet of the kitchen floor, and we now had a slippery mass of cran-tangerine scented bubbles to slide in.

Fourteen more kitchen towels.



But Liquid #5?

Liquid #5 was not Itty Bitty’s fault. Liquid #5 was not Mommy’s fault.  Liquid #5 was that insane hose with a grudge.

Remember I told you about the beast that came alive and attacked me?  Oh come on, it was only a month ago Winking smile

Fire Hose Google

Well surprise surprise, we’re still breaking ice for the horses in this freezing weather.

I trek out to the pasture, turn on the hose and stick it in the water bucket.

I go to work on the other bucket, breaking up ice chunks with my hands and scooping them out.

(No gloves to be seen – since I’m so smart about that stuff and all).

And as I’m scooping them out barehanded, the hose suddenly flips backwards out of the bucket (I told you it was alive!) and catches me square across the face.

The full face spray knocks my glasses askew, drenches my hair, and hits me in one bone-chilling gasp of a deluge.


Except that it wouldn’t be me if it wasn’t extra special.

The darn thing goes vertical – shooting chunks of ice – and curves around to lodge itself IN MY COLLAR.

In case you missed it.





You’re either laughing or praying that I never come visit you.


After screaming (for the benefit of no one around), I dislodged the prankster hose from behind my neck, shoved it back into the bucket, and resumed my freezing work.  As a last insult, it snapped out of the bucket once more and caught the entire side of my leg.


Itty Bit looked at me in total confusion when I shivered back into the house a dripping mess.

And you know what?

It was absolutely worth it as he carefully took my reddened fingers in his little hands,

Dear Jesus, make Mommy’s fingers not cold anymore.


I tell ya, I just melted right there.


And to end it off with a non-liquid adventure?  Mr. Daddy cracked open the fireplace and made us some treats!


(Ohmygoodness – who gave that kid a sharp object?!?!)


You guys may never hear about Christmas…


Shana said...

OMG Rachel, we need to put you in a padded room somewhere lol. Seriously, you really have the worst luck with accidents and especially hoses haha. I am still laughing at Itty Bit saying he was pretending to eat the ice cream though. Classic.

Mom of M&Ms said...

YOu should not be allowed out with the horse anymore.. send itty bitty and you take care of drinks and cleaning.. sursly!

Kameron said...

You couldn't make up the hilarity that happens to you! I once put dish soap in the dish washer when I was a kid. That was A LOT of bubbles, so I feel ya!

Angie Vik said...

In movies they call stuff happening like the hose and dishwashing soap "slapstick." Thanks for a good laugh.

robin said...

LOL! I love picturing the scene with the hose! I can't imagine freezing cold water in my collar though! Eek! We have those exact same toys that were working in the dirt, I mean flour. Oh, and my youngest thinks it's ok to open up the freezer and eat little containers of ice cream for breakfast all the time (without asking!) Those were just too many spills in such a short amount of time!

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

Yikes! Cold water and ice when it is freezing outside? No thank you! That is proof that you love horses and I that must never own one.

LOVED the pictures of the ice cream bandit. I mean how can you get made at that precious face?

Off to see why in the world he has a hole in his head...

Mrs. NB

Kmama said...

I love your stories. You need a reality TV show.

Anonymous said...

Pretending to eat ice cream? I wonder if that would work.... Nah :)

Foursons said...

Seriously girl? The hose- I just don't get the possessed hose! If I ever make it up your way I want to see this hose.

I'd say to stay away from all liquids, but solids can do more damage. So....

K- floortime lite mama said...

I really really love your kid
he is so charming
Loved the pix too
u r really such a cutie

GunDiva said...

That Itty Bit of yours...he's pretty adorable.

Kill the hose. Or call a priest and have it exercised. :)

RCC and I were just talking about a road trip out your way, but I'm not certain with that possessed hose of yours.

Tiffany said...

Ok, you are totally forgiven for not having a TST post up. Although all of that could have been one in and of itself!

I would love to come observe the Rachel in her natural habitat - between your gracefullness and my poop propensity, we would have a grand ol time! And lots of blog fodder...

Life With the Crazies said...

Oh my gosh... you are so right! The frozen water hose incident would be a perfect episode of Me Tv... I'd watch ;)

Dyann said...

14? That's all? You're good.

tattytiara said...

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!" I literally said "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!" when I read that!

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Oh, my goodness! Well, that was so entertaining, I'm not sure I NEED to hear about your Christmas!! My favorite line (there were SEVERAL!): "a slippery mass of cran-tangerine scented bubbles to slide in." You are HILARIOUS, my dear! Thanks so much for the laugh, I needed that!!

kc said...

Ya really think the 2 of us getting together is a good thing??? We would break Seattle...with my clumsiness and your ability for inatimate objects to come alive ;)

I love that picture of you and Itty Bitty :)

Heather said...

I'm waiting for the next post about lighting your hair on fire from S'mores or Itty Bit poking something (or someone) with that skewer stick! Oh man, the stuff that goes on in your world...

Am I seriously doomed when Aidan turns 3?

Mental note: do not leave hoses unattended. I actually left the gas pump to run into the store at the gas station, and when I came back, the pump had stopped, popped out a little, and gasoline was spewing all over the ground. Not the kind of hose you want to come "alive." Plus I had to pay for the darn stuff!

Kitchen Belleicious said...

Oh i must have just laughed like 10 pounds off! That is hilarious and I love how most of them were just "accidents"! He is so cute but i am sure it wasn't so cute at the time - huh. those are the things were you want to scream and laugh at the same time!

Amy said...

You have talent my dear! Pure talent! I just love reading your stories! I love that you can laugh at things that some people would just freak out about. You are just too cute. I may have to come back and read this again when I need a good laugh :-)

Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

Your house is always an exciting one! I'm thinking that you better start wearing a rain slicker and wading boots when you're watering the horses...even if Itty Bit's response is worth it. ;)

Anonymous said...

I thought your comment on "I Heart Faces" was funny and came here to check out your blog! My four year olds do not stand still for more than 1.2 seconds either!

Buckeroomama said...

Seriously, you have to get a clamp or something for that hose and show it who's boss once and for all!

And the "just pretending" bit? I get that a lot with J. He'd be (grossness alert!) picking nose and I'd catch him. He'd stop. Raises finger to do it again, but would only touch the side of nose. I'd look at him. He'd say, "See, just pretending." Repeat a few more times. Then when I pretend not to look, he'd be back at it!

HeatherOz said...

That hose is really out to get you!! Did it really take only 14 towels to clean up the dish soap? What a nightmare! My brothers and sister sprinkled comet all over the house once after they each took a stick of butter and rubbed the walls down and then my youngest brother covered the bottom of his shoes in her lipstick and scooted all over the carpet! NO, my mother is no longer sane!

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