Letters of Intent - Bespectacled

 

Dear Pediatrician,

 

When Momma says there’s something wrong with her kiddo’s eyes,

there’s something wrong with her kiddo’s eyes.

 

After your attempts to convince me that I was an over-vigilant parent, I pulled rank and scheduled an eye doc appointment.

(Y’all know how THAT went, *sigh*)

 

Turns out you were pretty darn wrong.

And I’m sad to have been pretty darn right.

 

Love,

The Parenting By Instinct Momma Bear

 

~

 

Dear Readers,

 

I know I promised you pictures of our little bespectacled guy a month ago.

Except, he got really upset about the glasses.

 

“Everyone will laugh at me!  Everyone will make fun of me!”

“No they won’t honey, no they won’t”

 

And I nearly cried when the first kid he encountered pointed at him and laughed at how big his eyes looked.

 

And then the second kid… pulled his glasses off and smashed them into his face.

 

It about broke my heart.

(Nevermind, it did)

 

Love,

A Sad Momma

 

~

 

Dear Itty Bit,

 

If glasses help you see things a bit better… how could I complain?

 

And see, you can still do fun things, even with your cool new glasses!

Like ride your bike!

 

What are you guys all looking at?

 

Waitaminute… BOYS!

 

Oh Bubba.  Ohhhh Bubba…

 

Love,

The Momma Whose Washing Machine Isn’t Fond of Puddles

 

p.s.  Bubba demonstrates the end result.  It cries out for a punchline that I just aren’t funny enough to come up with.

 

~

To link up your letters, click on over to King Julien!

True Story Tuesday - The Mopher

 

I’m a little sad.

 

My dream of a little craftsman house built between two fields with views out to the creek and treeline behind… fading.

 

And my dream of having one of these to keep the horses company? Slipping away…

 

Even my dream of a summer full of meals from a garden… all dashed.

 

With stunning efficiency, one little talented creature has managed to destroy the life I’d envisioned for the next few decades…

Who might this creature be?

 

Why a pocket gopher, of course!

Didn’t you recognize this toothsome little fella?

I mean, he actually reminds me of the ROUS that brave Wesley fought in The Princess Bride (oh come on, you guys totally saw that coming).

 

And yep, these guys are considered “nuisance rodents” in all other counties.

Except ours.

Of course.

 

Which means that they are actually protected here.

They’re having trouble telling the difference in dirt evidence between these guys and moles.  Leading to my dear Father-in-Law’s whoopsie at the dinner table last night – he had us rolling with “those MOPHERS”.  Which is as close as that saintly man would ever get to unsavory language…

Despite that even professional environmental know-it-alls can have trouble identifying a mole-hill and a gopher-hill, if there is even a CHANCE that your property contains or is NEAR property that contains one of these little critters, good luck trying to actually use your property.

Like… to live on.

 

Our small town has only one house per five acres.  Plenty of room for everyone to get along, no?

$7000 fine for trapping one of them at a local historical property.

$500 fine for rototilling a garden.

Permit denied to build a ramp to make a home wheelchair accessible.

Illegal to have a dog that goes outside.

Therefore, shortly illegal to have a horse that goes outside.

(here’s what she thinks of that)

 

Because all of these actions harass this critter.

 

Harass?

 

HARASS???

 

 

I think Mr. Daddy has this one figured out…

 

Do you suppose they’ll make it illegal to possess four-year-olds?

(before the county comes knocking on our door, the datestamps on those pictures prove that my redneck boys were hunting these nuisances long before anyone realized they existed)

 

But guys… this isn’t even the punchline.

Get this…

The reason they are protected?

 

BECAUSE THEIR WEE-WEE IS TWICE THE SIZE OF AN AVERAGE GOPHER’S.

 

I can’t make this stuff up.

 

~

 

 

Okay, so that wasn’t exactly our usual True Story Tuesday goofiness, but if you’ve got an amazing, hilarious, miraculous, outrageous, and true tale to share, just grab the button code on the right sidebar, paste it into your post, then link up below for some comment love!  We love your stories!  (And gosh could we use some entertainment right about now… we’re about outta ammo )

Perspective

 

So no one asked what my Stupid Human Trick was?

(Or maybe y’all have been reading long enough to know that I’m beyond talented at injuring myself in seemingly foolproof ways).

But just cause y’all apparently DIDN’T want to know…

 

 

I once beat an entire crowd of High School boys at a burping contest.

 

Into a microphone.

 

At church camp, no less.

 

Classy, I know.

 

It was royally worth it to see the looks on those boys faces.  I think they were a wee bit emasculated that day.

 

And in the year I’d won a scholarship pageant, my proud grandfather introduced me as,

“This is my grandaughter, she just won a pageant.  She doesn’t fart, she burps”

 

(I only wish I were kidding.  I apologize to the waitress at Denny’s.)

 

~

My uncle taught me a thing or two…

(here’s my mom, me, and him many moons ago… anyone else think Itty Bit kinda takes after Momma?)

He sang out one day after a rather impressive gust of air:

Excuse me, excuse me

from the bottom of my heart

If it went the other way

it would have been a fart.

 

And us deaf people?  Our noses tend to work overtime.  Though how that is supposed to compensate for hearing loss, I will never know.

But I can guarantee you that most of us would rather experience the “fresher” version of what you’ve recently consumed.

 

See, I’m rather proud of my talent.  And while my mother acts mock horrified at the dinner table, she can’t quite hide her motherly pride when my dad looks up in disgust.

(the look my mother routinely gives me when she’s skeered I’ll demonstrate my talent in public)

With that in mind… I’d like to dedicate this to her.  So that she can be proud of her daughter who is belchingly gifted.  Otherwise our family photos might be rather amusing…

 

Did Phillip fart?

..and he probably does all the time.  What the heck, he's almost ninety,

and at that age you don't hold anything back even if you wanted to!

The really important question?

Did Philip Fart?

 

What do you think?

The expressions are priceless!

                   Look at the Queen's face!

 

^{And just because I’ve shared far too much information already… I’ll close by distracting  you with this little ditty:}

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

 

 

Mr. Daddy in:  Who you calling an old fart, DEAR?

I Heart Faces - Slice of Life

 

I love the I Heart Faces theme this week!

 

Slice of Life

 

Maybe it’s just because some of my very favorite photographers happen to be ones who capture those everyday moments that you can totally picture yourself in.  Ones that become “those were the days” memories.

 

This one just makes me yearn for summer… for small town fairs and sunburned days.

What could be more fun than a grandma who loves carnival rides?  Or telling a 4-year-old to smash to his hearts content?!  I love how my mom’s curls are flying with their momentum, and how the big kid is anticipating their polite introduction.

And the little kid?  Gosh I love his delight.

I can see, taste, and feel that day all over again.

 

I am excited to see everyone else’s slices of life this week!

Wordful Wednesday - Taking Pictures With Toddlers

 

There were days the younguns would at least stay in the frame.  Being that their moving parts were vastly uncoordinated, they were easy to photograph.

(can you guess who is who?)

 

Then the darn things figured out how to use their appendages and discovered that there were things more interesting than the lens that was constantly up their cute noses.

 

I think Itty Bit takes this round for successfully distracting my sister from the photo taking business and wiggling his way closer to the ground.

 

Though May-May deserves a consolation prize for doing her darndest to pull fourteen muscles in my upper body.

(don’t mind my chubby cheeks and unkempt ponytail… just be impressed by the Southern Girl smile that stays plastered on my pained face ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonus points to Itty Bit for actually licking Ju in that last shot.

 

Attaboy.

 

BATMAN

(ahem)

True Story Tuesday - My Email All Blowed Up

 

I don’t even know where to start.

It was epic.  Truly epic.

A 2-1/2 hour improv session with some of the funniest people around.

And this week, you know all the players:

Shana, Tiffany, GunDiva, and Mr. Daddy!

 

MY EMAIL ALL BLOWED UP

alternatively titled

FACEBOOK REGRETS TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU HAVE EXCEEDED YOUR COMMENT LIMIT FOR ACCEPTABLE CONTENT.  CRABS, FARTS, AND SHAVED BUTTOCKS ARE NOT CONSIDERED ACCEPTABLE CONTENT

 

Disclaimer:  I am a lightweight.  While I’ve never done Buzzed Blogging, this could be considered “Fuzzed Facebooking”.  I confess that I took some of Itty Bit’s grape Triaminic in an effort to survive another evening.  Drinking toddler cough syrup may make things seem inordinately funny – what follows is only a fraction of the hilarity.

 

It started out not funny at all.  The neighbors ten acres away were target shooting in their back field… while their horses ran loose around them.

Which freaked out the horses on the property between us and the shooting neighbors.

Which freaked out our horses.

 

Middle neighbor’s horse crashed through our front pasture fence and the normally friendly Joey decided to fight the intruder.

 

This resulted in an open wound to Joey’s pretty head and a fence post broken CLEAN IN HALF.

Mr. Daddy slung a leadrope around his neck and attempted to keep from getting trampled as the possibly not sober neighbors continued to fire round after round.

It drove me nuts that they could see the scene and didn’t stop shooting.  I may or may not have yelled across the fields, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? STOP SHOOTING!!”

(Shooting on your rural property is fine, but when you freak out livestock across three properties, and see the damage… be a good neighbor and quit for five minutes)

This led to the following Facebook status that unwittingly ushered a convo for the record books:

 

That is NOT a typo.

Epic clue:

ONE THOUSAND NINETY-SIX COMMENTS

 

GAH!

 

 

Shana was all about safety.  Poor Tiffany was in the hospital with her little girl, but in fine form:

 

GunDiva joined us for a bit with her trademark wit:

 

And my Tiffany showed early on, why she is a founding member of the Snort Sisterhood:

 

Shana blew it open with this comment out of left field.  Triggered the first howls of the evening:

 

 

Alerted by my uncontrollable laughter at Shana’s posts, Mr. Daddy decided to join the fun…

 

Why did I suddenly get worried about what he was going to say?  I knew he was gonna talk about that “incident” with the Walther P-22.  I decided to engage in some damage control.

 

When Mr. Daddy started snickering at his computer, I should have seen it coming…

 

Really nice of Shana to mention that I’m “mishap prone”, eh?

 

And in poetic justice, Mr. Daddy’s computer had trouble keeping up with the flurry of comments that were quickly approaching 300.

 

In desperation, I figured Saint Poopicus would share  story to take the heat off me.

 

So this is probably where the rest of Facebook got confused when a photo of Mr. Daddy suddenly appeared in my status…

Remember when he won the Dress Barn card?  That was a hoot and a holler.

(And for the record, I love that secure-in-his-manhood redneck of mine!)

 

We kept wishing for King Julien to join us, but alas she was a-slumbering in her cute new hair.  And then we thought 300 comments was pretty impressive.  Little did we know!

 

And then, the pee started.  An hour in and the first bladder cracked.

 

 

Then Shana, the queen of unexpected bombs, dropped this priceless one:

 

 

Go head, I’ll give you a minute to consider how flipping loud we had to be laughing in the middle of the night.  I could barely type through the hysterical laughter, and it started anew every time someone said that blasted word again…

Deep breath – and the hilarity continued:

 

At this point, I realized that my gradeschool friend Liz had no way of seeing Shana’s album.  You know… the one with her baseball size crabs.  And I started cracking up thinking that the two of them were going to become Facebook friends over this…

 

And then the conversation suddenly turned to outhouse experiences.  Let me assure you that the conversation was far, far out of my control by that point.

 

Liz just had me grimacing, but then Mr. Daddy dropped the most perfect punch line into it…

 

And Shana with her husband’s perfect timing…

 

I thought I was gonna get a funny answer to my question – but Shana had me in stitches!

 

We started watching the comment count in awe.  Several “Holy Cow”s were exchanged - starting an entire new branch of conversation…

 

After howling at that… I couldn’t quite get past the word CRABS being randomly thrown in.  And Tiffany proved once again why she has a rockin’ church!

 

I suddenly recalled another phrase that had made me laugh to the point of bladder danger.  Remember the potty mouth post?

 

I tried the comment out myself – to abject failure.  And then the Triaminic and the sleep-deprivation combined to form that perfect storm known as TMI.

 

Let’s just say that Tiffany had us cracking up with her education of sports that require shaving… and then suddenly, we found ourselves in a serious conversation about the amazing things God has done in our lives.  It was whiplash to be sure.  But such a sweet way to end our night-long conversation.

 

 

But of course… it couldn’t stay serious for long.

 

And after we poor ladies finally stumbled to bed, I woke up to find these messages.  Which cracked.me.the.heck.up.

I can only imagine how crazy that conversation looked in the morning light!

 

 

So if I randomly shout out BATMAN, you’ll know why.  And you’ll congratulate yourself for not being my Facebook friend

 

(disclaimer: I actually am not a Facebook fan and was considering deleting my account – so glad for a final hurrah if so!)

~

 

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