Saturday, March 26, 2011

Perspective

 

So no one asked what my Stupid Human Trick was?

(Or maybe y’all have been reading long enough to know that I’m beyond talented at injuring myself in seemingly foolproof ways).

But just cause y’all apparently DIDN’T want to know…

 

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I once beat an entire crowd of High School boys at a burping contest.

 

Into a microphone.

 

At church camp, no less.

 

Classy, I know.

 

It was royally worth it to see the looks on those boys faces.  I think they were a wee bit emasculated that day.

 

And in the year I’d won a scholarship pageant, my proud grandfather introduced me as,

“This is my grandaughter, she just won a pageant.  She doesn’t fart, she burps”

 

(I only wish I were kidding.  I apologize to the waitress at Denny’s.)

 

~

My uncle taught me a thing or two…

(here’s my mom, me, and him many moons ago… anyone else think Itty Bit kinda takes after Momma?)

scan0057

He sang out one day after a rather impressive gust of air:

Excuse me, excuse me

from the bottom of my heart

If it went the other way

it would have been a fart.

 

And us deaf people?  Our noses tend to work overtime.  Though how that is supposed to compensate for hearing loss, I will never know.

But I can guarantee you that most of us would rather experience the “fresher” version of what you’ve recently consumed.

 

See, I’m rather proud of my talent.  And while my mother acts mock horrified at the dinner table, she can’t quite hide her motherly pride when my dad looks up in disgust.

(the look my mother routinely gives me when she’s skeered I’ll demonstrate my talent in public)

IMG_3364

With that in mind… I’d like to dedicate this to her.  So that she can be proud of her daughter who is belchingly gifted.  Otherwise our family photos might be rather amusing…

 

Did Phillip fart?

..and he probably does all the time.  What the heck, he's almost ninety,

and at that age you don't hold anything back even if you wanted to!

The really important question?

Did Philip Fart?

 

What do you think?

Philip1

The expressions are priceless!


                   Look at the Queen's face!

 

And just because I’ve shared far too much information already… I’ll close by distracting  you with this little ditty:

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.


A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud


A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......


A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......


A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces
.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.


But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

 

 

Mr. Daddy in:  Who you calling an old fart, DEAR?

28 comments:

lifebythecreek said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Talk about "perfect timing"... ! We are sharing a stomach bug around here, and it would appear that one part of it is .. well... emissions. Uncontrolled emissions of the gaseous kind, which is MUCH preferred to OTHER emissions. Just sayin'. But hahahahaha that this would be your post right now! I totally "get" it...

Buckeroomama said...

Whoa, you are the first girl I know who can burp on demand! Sometimes I wish I know how to do something 'cool' ( yet kinda gross at the same time) like that. Really, I do!

Goodness, those pics of the royal family totally made me laugh out loud! Poor Prince Harry. Ewww.

Julie said...

Now I'm going to go to bed tonight wondering if I should share the long fart poem with my kids. They'd howl with laughter I'm sure but then I'd never hear the end of it. They always joyously announce their flatulance with a shout of "TOOT!"

My girl can belch with the best of them. Yep, takes after her mama. :)

Heather said...

Hahaha, I was talking the other day about before I had boys I never laughed or talked about farts and burps....but even so I can make myself burp my ABCs and my son is quite proud of his mama ;)

Pam said...

lol.....lady you are a mess! lol

Mom of M&Ms said...

once again I must ask for a disclaimer in the title.. it is embarrassing to wet my pants becuase of laughter.. seriously people???

stephanie said...

Oh my gosh! My human trick is burping too :) My husband says I burp like a man and is more likely to run from the room if I burp than happen to make any other bodily noises. {I'm preggo and gassy = lethal}

Leiah said...

Katie can burp on command as well. Loudly. If one thinks by having a girl you avoid all the yucky boy stuff, one would be wrong.

PS: One of my friend's son (a preacher's kid no less!) burped one day when we had all gone out to eat. After being admonished by his mother, he said (quite proudly I'd add), "Better to burp and taste it than fart and waste it." Nice.

Sarah said...

Haha, this post literally made me LOL :)

kc said...

well, what a post. It must be fart day LOL. Doodles cannot stop talking about it, and now you too Rach?! :D

Foursons said...

I think a vlog is in order now, don't you?! Let's see/hear you in action girl!

Tiffany said...

I am with Julie on this one! VLOG! VLOG!

From my dad:
A fart is just a turd barking for clearance.

Kitchen Belleicious said...

Love the redneck joke- did you know that the king of redneck jokes- jeff foxworthy did a blurb for my mom's new book coming out in may! How funnY!

Amy said...

The pictures of the royal family CRACKED ME UP!!! WOW!!!

Well aren't you just super talented! I am going to be "one of those followers" who requests a Vlog on this one.... just saying ;-)

And yes... Itty Bit looks EXACTLY like you! WOW!

Shana said...

Excuse my words but holy crap BATMAN!! I read this earlier but could not respond. I laughed so hard. I am telling you. We really are related somewhere. I can belch like nobody's business but I guess I thought that wouldn't equal a stupid human trick because it is normal for me lol. Hilarious. The poem was to funny. Of course I had to read it to Chris and he laughed so hard that he passed gas too lol. I told you he did it all the time. Thank you so much for the laughs.

Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

Now that's talent! Ahem, I think we may need a video so we have proof. ;)

Tina said...

Too funny! You're a hoot! (or toot?)
Anyway, I surfed over from...not real sure which blog at the moment...and I've enjoyed reading your blog! I needed this laugh today!
You have a new follower!

He & Me + 3 said...

I used to beat the boys in burp contests too. Burped the ABC's once. Oh my. Can't believe I admitted that. Those pictures are hilarious. Thanks for the laugh today!
I am proud to say my girls do not burp. I don't think I have ever heard them burp other than when they were babies. My son is another story...he might win a contest or two. LOL

Beth Zimmerman said...

Good heavens, Rachel! Where did you find those pictures???? And here is a classic piece of poetry that I learned on a bathroom wall.

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to sh*t
But only farted

I'll go back to my corner now. :)

K- floortime lite mama said...

I love love this post
so funny
Please accept my humble apologies for the "breaking horse" phrase
its gone from the post now

Lady Old Soul said...

LMAO This is priceless!!! We especially enjoyed the photos of the monarchy enjoying someone's gaseous emissions...*titters* Wherever did you find such an amazing thing? xD

Emmy said...

Lol! I never won any contests but I can burp with the best of them.

HeatherOz said...

Hahaha! I used to beat my Dad and brothers at burping contests. Coke and cheetos during road trips.
And my Mother taught me this fart poem:

Here I sit
All broken hearted.
Tried to sh*^
But only farted.

You're welcome.

Kelly said...

For years I had the most polite kid, then I let my brother "bond" with him. They started watching "The Mask" when Cam was about 3 and that's when he stopped saying "excuse me" and started saying "That's a spicy meatball" EVERY TIME HE BURPS!!!!!!!!!!!

Love the fart poem, I may have to share that one with Cam...maybe he can recite it at the talent show at school??

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