Perspective

 

So no one asked what my Stupid Human Trick was?

(Or maybe y’all have been reading long enough to know that I’m beyond talented at injuring myself in seemingly foolproof ways).

But just cause y’all apparently DIDN’T want to know…

 

 

I once beat an entire crowd of High School boys at a burping contest.

 

Into a microphone.

 

At church camp, no less.

 

Classy, I know.

 

It was royally worth it to see the looks on those boys faces.  I think they were a wee bit emasculated that day.

 

And in the year I’d won a scholarship pageant, my proud grandfather introduced me as,

“This is my grandaughter, she just won a pageant.  She doesn’t fart, she burps”

 

(I only wish I were kidding.  I apologize to the waitress at Denny’s.)

 

~

My uncle taught me a thing or two…

(here’s my mom, me, and him many moons ago… anyone else think Itty Bit kinda takes after Momma?)

He sang out one day after a rather impressive gust of air:

Excuse me, excuse me

from the bottom of my heart

If it went the other way

it would have been a fart.

 

And us deaf people?  Our noses tend to work overtime.  Though how that is supposed to compensate for hearing loss, I will never know.

But I can guarantee you that most of us would rather experience the “fresher” version of what you’ve recently consumed.

 

See, I’m rather proud of my talent.  And while my mother acts mock horrified at the dinner table, she can’t quite hide her motherly pride when my dad looks up in disgust.

(the look my mother routinely gives me when she’s skeered I’ll demonstrate my talent in public)

With that in mind… I’d like to dedicate this to her.  So that she can be proud of her daughter who is belchingly gifted.  Otherwise our family photos might be rather amusing…

 

Did Phillip fart?

..and he probably does all the time.  What the heck, he's almost ninety,

and at that age you don't hold anything back even if you wanted to!

The really important question?

Did Philip Fart?

 

What do you think?

The expressions are priceless!

                   Look at the Queen's face!

 

^{And just because I’ve shared far too much information already… I’ll close by distracting  you with this little ditty:}

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

 

 

Mr. Daddy in:  Who you calling an old fart, DEAR?