Just about the time I start to think, “I might as well put that poor carnival out of its misery”… I’ll have a day like yesterday. Because that is the universe’s way of letting me know that I am going to keep getting handed these kinds of crazy tales… every stinkin’ week.
And because y’all know I’m all about making you feel perfectly normal, I’ll sacrifice for the masses and commit it to a blog post.
Please say you’ll join along! Just grab the True Story Tuesday button on the right sidebar (copy and paste the gobblydegook underneath it into your post), and link up your hilarious, amazing, outrageous, miraculous and true tale!
Mother’s Day this year was beautiful. Mr. Daddy’s mom was finally able to attend church for the first time since her surgery. It made my heart happy to see her wheelchair surrounded by people who love her… little children climbing into her lap.
So I was basking in that sweet joy of simply getting another Mother’s Day with those I love. Realizing anew how rare and wonderful it is to have a World’s Best Mom, as well as a World’s Best Mom-In-Law.
Then the preacher man stood up with an announcement.
Picture with me for a moment… preacher man is a rather saintly dude. So you can just imagine someone like this guy saying these words:
Ladies and gentlemen: the bathroom at the back of the church is plugged. If you need to use the bathroom, please go into the office one.
There was a general chuckle as the next song began.
During the same song, the preacher man was tapped on the shoulder and he swiftly departed.
When he returned a few minutes later, he announced (picture with me again)
Ladies and gentlemen: the office bathroom is plugged. If you need to use the bathroom, please go home.
(I kid you not)
More laughter. Especially as I realized that the last person who exited the office bathroom door was a 3-year old girl. Eek!
But it didn’t end there. Of course not.
Two minutes later, a Sunday School worker brought Itty Bit out to me.
In the stage whisper heard around the world:
Momma, I hafta go PEE-PEE!
The Sunday School worker giggled and said we could use the office.
But it’s plugged now too!
Don’t worry, he can just pee.
She led us into the office where two nice ladies sat counting the offering.
I smiled in embarrassment as the Sunday School girl explained,
It’s just PEE. He can go in there, right?
But I had no clue what awaited me.
I realized that Itty Bit had helpfully taken off his shoes in Sunday School. Which meant that I had to hold a very lanky 4-year old with his feet off the wet floor (PEE PEE WATER!), lean back to try to get him to unbend at the waist, unsnap/unzip/shimmy his pants low enough to give him clearance, then tell the poor kid to pee while the Offering Counting Ladies giggled.
And pee he did.
Heaven help me, in order to keep my failing grasp on his skinny little body without getting showered, I’d leaned him back too far.
He drew an impressive scene on the WALL, and as he began hollering about his handiwork, all I could see was this lovely lettering on the plaster:
(And this isn’t even life-size!)
You’d think my taking a barefoot kid pee in a plugged up church office bathroom at a packed Mother’s Day service trauma would be enough, no?
With Itty Bit’s excitement at having decorated the wall, I very nearly overcompensated as I attempted to hold the wriggling kiddo horizontal and let him pee straight down into the toilet.
(Oh yes, they didn’t tell you this was one of the Mom Skills tests?)
The Offering Counting Ladies were snickering a rather unrighteous amount (there may have even been a sacrilegious guffaw or two). Finally, the fount was exhausted.
And then I realized that I couldn’t possibly hike those pants back up while holding him one-handed. (Don’t forget – I was standing in PEE PEE water the entire time).
Now is not a good time to remind me of the joys of having a boy… because the entire outside of the church was surrounded by buildings and people and anti-nature-boy views. Just sayin…
So step back into the main office space, shielding my kiddo’s mini-manhood by walking backwards.
Itty Bit is slipping out of my grasp (have you SEEN how short I am?) and I finally give up and set him down.
Oh the horror.
Oh the abject terror and instant wailing.
Friends, I had not realized that the CARPET in the office was also soaked with PEE PEE WATER.
I can only imagine what the congregation thought of the sudden ruckus in the office.
MOMMMMMY!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! WET WET WET WET!!!
With that, he proceeded to monkey climb his way up my leg until he was safely ensconced on my hip. He then smiled at me cheerfully.
And that, my friends… is how I ended up with PEE PEE WATER all over my pants as I dragged a barefoot kid out of the church office and back into the sanctuary.
Good thing he’s cute.
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