Friday, June 03, 2011

Spent

 

Every time I sat at the computer, my spirit sighed again and I did the responsible thing.

Emails stacked up.

Unread blog posts stacked up.

My own went unwritten.

 

This is a time of incredible turmoil for our family.  A kind that I can’t blog about and I can’t escape with my usual stress relief of putting it out there for you all to tease or commiserate about.

And in the span of one awful week, it fell apart.

 

Have you ever felt an emotional blow so keenly that all you could hear was your heartbeat in your ears and weren’t sure if you were breathing, much less forming words?

When everyone in the room is looking at you for a response and you sit with the blood rushing to your head, trying desperately to absorb the impact without letting it show?

 

I’ve been running a backwards race for three years.

Waiting for information to catch up to the people who make the decisions.

And with awful finality, the punches landed in succession and threatened everything my entire adult life has built.

 

I hate bloggers who do this.  Write about some awful traumatic thing in their life without sharing it.  And I realize that sometimes, it’s not by choice.  The risks are high and I’m watching things unravel each day.  Dooced is the last thing I want to worry about.

But it’s all changed.

 

In a way, maybe it was good.  It forced me to give up.  Three years of trying to do the right thing while they did the wrong thing.  Three years of insidious bullying.

And three reams of paper.

At 1:30am, I printed the last sheet and sat staring at the proof of my struggle.

I’ve never seen it all in one place before.  In their own words.  Lying that went higher than anyone had imagined.

 

All my life I have spent fighting against any kind of victim label.  As a deaf person, as a woman.  I can do anything I put my mind to.

How did my disability become a tool to belittle me?

How on earth did I get to be 35-years old and bullied to the point of illness?

Spending months surviving on 4 hours of fitful sleep.  Days where all I eat is a pair of Advil and I throw that up too.

 

Not a victim. I refuse.

 

If you’ve seen my blog posts in the past few months – you might see that I’m reaching for the funny and the beautiful.  Because our lives can be anything but that lately.

So I’m doing the thing I hate.  Leaving you with nothing of the story, but laying myself bare because I am really terrible at faking.

And for a change, today is a good kind of exhaustion.  Those three reams will speak for me now.  It’s a weight I gladly surrender.

22 comments:

Beth Zimmerman said...

I love you, Rachel! I'll be praying ... harder! He knows the details!

singedwingangel said...

Sweetie you know that we are all here for you. What goes around comes around, maybe not when we want it to but when HE decides to, and trust that when HE puts His foot down it is at exactly the right time. Praying hard for you and sending angels to bring you peace and comfort.

Shana said...

You know we are praying for you and the situation here too Rachel. God is in control and He knows what He is doing even if we don't. This will all work in His perfect will, no matter what that may be. I wish we lived close so I could give you a hug and tell you all will be ok. I am here for you sweetie.

Tamar SB said...

This must be such a hard time for you and your family. I know how hard it was to express my feelings when my grandparents were so ill, there were thoughts racing in my mind yet I wasn't sure how to share. No apologies. Be strong and you're family is in my thoughts and prayers!

sara said...

oh Rachel, though I don't know the details, I can hear the hurt in your words and I am praying for you. Thank you for allowing us the privilege of lifting you up to the One who knows the situation in detail!!

Brandi said...

I'm praying for you, Rach. Cling to the knowledge that He has this all planned out, and He won't let you down. I believe this with every part of my soul.

Sending you {{HUGS}}.
♥ ya, girlie.

BK said...

Praying for ya, He knows whats going on even when we don't. Praying He'll ease your hurt and turn what they meant for evil to good. <3

stephanie said...

Praying for you girl!

Tiffany said...

Thisis one of those times where we don't need to know the details. God knows, and He can and will work EVERY situation for His glory in His timing. We are standing with you in prayer, dear friend. Just as Joseph had to spend time in the pit before he was vindicated and honored for his integrity, you will be raised from this pit and vindicated. I'm sure that, like Joseph, you wish that vindication had come before now. But you can trust that it will come. Love you friend.

RaD said...

Sometimes just knowing other people care and are praying for you, even when we don't know the details, is a comfort in itself. Trust that God is going to do something with this. I have been recently reminded that He doesn't waste our pains, our trials, or our struggles but uses them to refine us. Lay it all at His feet and rest knowing that He's right there with your in the midst of your struggles. And we here on the other side of your blog will be lifting you in prayer...

Saimi said...

This makes me sad. It's times like these we need to live closer so I can help cheer you up or at least sit with you and listen....

Thinking and praying for you!

Foursons said...

Awe Rachel, I'm so sorry. I pray for you daily, but specifically for God's almighty hand to be in this situation and that whatever path He chooses for you that He makes it abundantly clear and that you walk down that path with hope and a peacefulness that you are doing the right thing without any regrets.

Amy said...

Oh, I've been in that same place. Something weighing so heavily in your life and the place where you want to share it is the place where you can't. You have my prayers.

Buckeroomama said...

You and your family are in my prayers, Rach.

Amy said...

You know I am, and will continue, to pray for you sweet friend. It hurts me to think that someone would treat you unfairly and bully you. I mean, mad to the point of I want to cry. That kind of mad, ya know? But the good news is... JESUS PAID IT ALL for you dear! That is the ONLY thing that matters. You have given it to God dear and He will take care of it. That is all you can do. You are so wonderful and I just wish that I was near you so that I could do more. These days God is putting situations in my life that I can only pray for... probably to teach me to pray better or something, I don't know... but it is hard. I want so badly to sit with you, give you a hug, fix you a meal, cry with you, laugh with you.... but all I can do is pray. Know that you are right where God wants you Rachel. Make no mistake about that! Keep your chin up :-)

He & Me + 3 said...

That breaks my heart...saying prayers of peace & restoration.
Hugs,
Mimi

Allenspark Lodge said...

Nil illegitimi Carborundum.


Don't let the b@stards grind you down.

Stay tuff.

Bill

Jennie said...

I'm so sorry!

Stacy said...

I know you have had a hard time through this all, and I really, really hope those reams of paper help to show what has happened. Praying for you! (((hugs)))

Aunt Crazy said...

You've got my thoughts, my prayers, and my support!!!

Julie said...

((HUGS))

kc said...

love you Rachel! no matter what, you have a support system behind you!