Sunday, August 28, 2011

Every breath

 

Back.

 

At the hospital.

 

 

IMG_1201

 

Marveling at the unfairness of it all.

 

Fluorescent lights and a constant stream of strangers.

 

Looking for a cure.  An answer.  Comfort.

 

Waiting for a buoy of good news in a sea of what seems impossible.

 

 

Watching a 5-year old on the cusp of kindergarten carefully snuggle into his grandmother’s familiar arms.

 

I feel robbed.

He feels robbed.

 

When Grandma feels better, she will go for walks with me again, right Momma?

Yes Butter, she sure will.

 

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I don’t know how you do it.

 

I don’t know how you tell your Mom,

 

It’s okay.  It’s up to you.  We’ll support whatever you want to do.

 

And watch her look away.

Staring at the clock on the wall in room #316.

 

 

I don’t know how you give your battered heart permission to hope and grieve all in the same moment.

 

 

Except that you do it for her.

 

 

You do it for the relief across her beloved face.

You do it for the release for her battle-worn mind.

You do it for her peace.

 

And you realize again that you fiercely love the man who has tenderly said this to his irreplaceable mother.

 

And you realize that in a bustling hospital filled with modern day wonders… that it is completely out of your hands.  And that a miracle trumps everything.

 

Love her with every breath.

 

And remember Butter, love wins.  Love wins.

 

41 comments:

Tamar SB said...

My heart hurts for you all! I know what it felt when my grandparents became ill when I was in college, it must be just as hard and confusing at 5. Be strong and thinking of you all!

Melissa said...

Praying for you all...

lifebythecreek said...

All I can say is that thankfully... this world is not our home. It is NOT... and your sweet little man WILL walk with his precious grandmother again.. and she will be strong and healthy and perfect. Thank God. I love Romans 8, and this passage is beautiful: "15 This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" 16 God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. 17 And we know we are going to get what's coming to us - an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! 18 That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times." (The Message) Praying for God to hold your hearts close, and to give you HIS unshakeable peace in this storm...

Mom of M&Ms said...

On my knees for all of you!

Foursons said...

I'm so sorry Rachel. I talked with Mr. D yesterday and knew this was going on. Just know I'm praying. I wish I could be there to hug your neck, but my prayers are offered always.

Bethany said...

There are not words.


Praying for you and yours.

Buckeroomama said...

Offering up prayers for your family, Rachel.

GunDiva said...

Oh Rachel and Mr Daddy, my heart's breaking for you.

You have an incredible, strong family - the love you all have for each other will help get you through this. It feels absolutely unjust, even to those of us who only know her through your blog, but I feel blessed that you'd share her with us.

Love to all of you.

sara said...

my heart is hurting for ya'll. I can read the pain and grief in your words. Praying for you as you walk this path..praying God reveals Himself to you in ways only He can.

((hugs))

Heather said...

tears in my eyes as I read this, friend. praying for you, mr. daddy, itty bit and of course your precious in-laws. it's so unfair, the pain in this world that we have to endure. but i guess we take solace in that God never promised easy, did He? just the beauty of a saviour.

Anonymous said...

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me, Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies, Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, & I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen

Emmy said...

Rachel I am so sorry. This is so hard. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Allenspark Lodge said...

I'm not good with words about things like this. Just know you are all in our hearts.
Juanita

He & Me + 3 said...

Praying for your family...

Amy said...

My heart cries out with you all dear. It is tough to know you are having to deal with this, especially your sweet little man. When the time comes and you have to explain the tough stuff to that sweet boy of yours, take comfort in knowing there really is a peace that surpasses all understanding. This will sound horrible, but I wish so much that I could go back and be with my wonderful Uncle Larry as he laid in the hospital waiting to God to call him home. I regret that I was not there to pray with him, hug him, cry with him and grieve with him. Take this time and just love her. God will be holding you all sweet friend. Lots of prayers!

K- floortime lite mama said...

Crying here darling Rach
Hugs and kisses

robin said...

So sorry...
Sending lot of P& PTs...

Marley's Mama said...

Oh, my heart just aches for you. I know and remember the pain with which you write so well. Bless your in-laws, and bless you and Mr. Daddy and your little man for knowing that sometimes what they need to hear is "it's ok to let go". What love and freedom you give her with those words. I'm praying for you all as you walk through this valley...It doesn't make it smoother, but I hope it helps. Love and hugs to you.

blueviolet said...

I'm so crying for the pain I know you're feeling. This is such a beautifully written post, and I'm so very sorry for what you're all going through.

Singedwingangel said...

Sending many hugs and love your way.. peace and strength and comfort from angels sent by God to support you and reveal His glory in all of this..

Stacy said...

I wish I could say something to make this hurt feel better, but I can't so...hugs and prayers to all of you. You all are so strongly connected as a family and support each other with love. I know this is so hard for all of you. Prayers for a miracle.

Furry Bottoms said...

This is a very touching post. I am sorry for the struggle your family has to go through.

Danielle said...

I'm so sorry. Praying for strength and comfort for you all.

Aunt Crazy said...

My heart hurts for y'all, I'm sorry, I wish there was more I could say but I'm sorry is the best I've got. Thoughts and prayers being sent your way!

Jennie said...

Oh, this is making me cry! It's hard enough to think about losing the people we love most, but I can't imagine my little guy having to say goodbye to one of his beloved grandparents! My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

RaD said...

Praying for your family. For wisdom, for guidance, for trust, for faith.

Shana said...

It is so hard to let go. To let someone you love fiercely know that you understand their suffering and that it is ok to go home. After all, if all is right, you will be there with them again one day. It is such an honest act of love and unselfishness to do this though. It is going to be the hardest thing ever and Itty Bit will have a hard time but as long as he is told and knows what is going on and you guys make sure he gets all the time he can, that is all you can do. I am so sorry your family has to go through this. I love you and am praying for you all. I still wish we were closer.

renee said...

praying for you, rach. sending love and hugs.

trooppetrie said...

I lost your link and have not been here for a while. I will read back to figure out what is going on. praying for your family. what you wrote was precious and I appriciate you opening your eyes to me

Julie said...

<3

scooterpie said...

Prayin for you all sis. Luloo

Ostriches Look Funny said...

I'm crying. This is so hard.
Praying for you all, and Butter. :)

Together We Save said...

Sending prayers your way.

Jessica {Team Rasler} said...

Oh dear. These are beautiful words. It's so much harder dealing with these things when we have those innocent eyes looking at us and asking the tough questions. Thinking of you and your family.

Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

This made my heart ache. Sending prayers to you and your family!

HeatherOz said...

Hugs and prayers!

Dana Suggs said...

I am already a big blubbering lump of MESS over here. This DID.NOT.HELP.

Oh Rachel, I love you guys so much. My heart breaks with you.

Tiffany said...

I wish I could make it all better.

I wish I was close enough to hug you all.

But I can't. So I will pray.

danette said...

(((hugs))) keeping your family in my prayers.

Angie Vik said...

Thanks for sharing what's going on. You're gifted at sharing your heart. Praying that God will help your family through this hard time.

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