Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Shopping with Children: Episode 472


When I would tell people that my career goal was to be a Mom, experienced mothers would knowingly tsk and regale me with stories of sleep deprivation, epic diapers, Terrible Twos…

And yet, not a single mother educated me on the scariest prospect of all:

shopping with a tiny human who thinks it is their personal playground.


I am amazed that Krogers lets us continue to shop there – especially after The Percy Incident, and most recently, The Mr. Daddy Kicked a Ball In Rachel’s Face Incident.



We’ve gotten to be so well known, that it triggered a hard-earned “Shopping With Kids” series.  I think you can see my sanity slipping away if you scroll through it…especially around the Headless Mannequin mark.


Thank you Krogers, for allowing us to frequent your fine establishment.

I wish to apologize for the further incidents that occurred this evening.

I blame the kid.


See, it all started when a Corelle dish broke next to our car.

(For those of you who swear Corelle doesn’t break… it does.  And in a million sharp pieces.  Asphalt is funny that way).

Now, while this technically wasn’t the kid’s fault, you can imagine the hysterics that ensued when Mr. Everything Needs A Bandaid saw blood dripping from Momma’s finger that had been sliced open by the “indestructible” Corelle.


Hysterics aside, I made the foolhardy decision to brave the shopping scene once more to see if I could squeeze a shelving unit into the ride home.

Well, dem boxes are mighty big.  As in “TEAM LIFT” is written all over them.


And as I stood there muttering to myself (yes, deaf people mutter to themselves too, what of it?), apparently Itty Bit heard me say, “We’re gonna need some help with these”.

I apologize for the mayhem that ensued when my child suddenly started screaming,


And I apologize for laughing hysterically.




And when someone finally came to our rescue… the 6’4” linebacker agreed that it would be a TEAM LIFT venture that required more than myself and a freakishly strong 5-year old.

At least he waited until the salesguy was walking back to the warehouse.

Yes he did.


My sweet and serious and obedient child waited until the guy was barely out of sight…

…and MOONED me.

And I apologize for laughing hysterically.




(Okay, so the laughing was done on MUTE.  This is totally not typical for the kid, which is why I severely sprained my ribcage trying not to laugh aloud while scooping up his bare butt and telling him that he’s only allowed to moon Yankee fans)




And lastly?  I apologize for the unusual noises that were coming from your furniture section.

If it makes you feel any better… the furniture fought back…



And I apologize for laughing hysterically.



50,000 Once Upon A Miracle points to whomever figures out how many times I typed “hysterically” or “hysterics” in this post… because shopping with kids brings much of each!


Discovery School at First Baptist Heath said...

4 time sfor some derivitive of hysterics...

can he moon Canon fans too??? oh wait. I think He did!!!!

Brandi said...

I'm really beginning to feel at ease that my boys' behavior will not adversely affect Itty (ya know, in case we were to be neighbors or something). LOL!!!!! In fact, I'm thinking it's entirely possible that Itty even has Bubba beat for funniest kid! ;)

sara said...

wow, your Kroger is carpeted?

I am thinking that your Kroger employees probably have a "code word" for you by now!! ha!

Bethany said...

Oh my word! Your Itty is hilarious. I can't wait to be reading when he's a teen. That's going to be a fun ride.

stephanie said...

oh my word, I just laughed SO hard! that kid is hysterical!

Kmama said...

He mooned you, in the store? LOL

Better you than me. ;-)

TIFFANY said...

I'm so happy to know that we are not the only ones who have those kinds of shopping adventures. :) He's too funny!

Angie Vik said...

Seems like it might be safer to leave Itty Bit with Grandma and go shopping by yourself.

I once broke a Corelle bowl. My husband and I were arguing and I threw the Corelle bowl in my hand at him. It broke into a million pieces on the carpet. About the same time the power went out and we immediately realized we had no way to vacuum up the mess. We called an immediate ceasefire and both went down on our knees to pick up a bazillion little pieces lest any of our young uns cut their feet. That's the last time I threw a dish at him, although I went through a whole set of Texas Tumblers in the ten years before that.

Unknown said...

You never fail at cracking me up Rachel!

robin said...

He is so funny!!!!!!! :)

Mrs. Mom said...

Dude I am so going to send you shopping with MY kids one of these days. There are no hysterics in sight... only an eye twitch from Hell that does not go away for a week.

(Know what I now know??? Do. Not. Attempt to put BOTH Dink and Dong in one of those really cool "car" carts at Kroger. Why not? Because they A) Dont FIT together and B) they spend the ENTIRE TIME trying to dare devil each other... ie: Hey Wrecker-- Reach out and grab that pole! or Hey Cub-- I dare you to drag your head on the floor...)



Danielle said...

Well, I guess shopping with my son will only change in HOW he embarrasses me! Right now he screams at the top of his lungs to hear himself...and doesn't stop no matter how much I tell him to "BE QUIET" or "INSIDE VOICE" in a loud whisper. BOYS!

scooterpie said...

WOW She-She, love how you innocently asked "what are you doing?" (Camera all set up) as your kid karate kicked the boxes in the store! Clever clever, but blog-worthy!! I see HIS legs are HIS life too!!;) Fart poop diarrhea-just thought I'd throw that in for good measure and a laugh!! Luloo

Unknown said...

Oh my goodness! That made me laugh out loud!

RaD said...

Your family cracks me up!

Seriously? Mooning you in the store? Now where exactly did he learn to do that?

Tamar SB said...

I am all for mooning Yankee fans!! You seriously should write a sitcom!! You are too funny! And a friend who has a newly turned 5 year old posted on FB today "I think it was easier to give birth to my child than grocery shop with her!"

Emmy said...

There must be something in the air- my oldest mooned me a couple of days ago! But we were at home.

HeatherOz said...

That IS hysterical! I would SO love to be in a store at the same time as you two. We could laugh at our kids together!

Dyann said...

Mooned you? He MOONED you? Where on earth does a 5yo learn about mooning? Good land.

And 'you can only moon Yankee fans'--too funny.

Yeah, shopping with kids is a great thing to avoid. I'll go days without milk.

Mama4Real said...

Oh my gosh, that's hysterical. Oh wait... I think you reached the limit on versions of that word...;)

My kids are little hellions at the store too. Anytime I get to go alone, I cry tears of joy.

NaomiG said...

Ahahahaha! And I thought my shopping trips were insane.

I refuse to buy corelle based on the way it breaks. Yeah, it might take a lot to break it, but I'd rather pick up three chunks of pottery plates that 85 billion tiny sharp shards of corelle. I refuse to own that stuff.

Shana Putnam said...

That is awesome. I love your kid. He is a nut.

Also, the mooning is hilarious. said...

ok too funny!!!!!!!!!

He & Me + 3 said...

What a cute video. I love it. Oh do I have some shopping stories with my kids. One of our shopping trips might have ended with a call from Target.

Floortime Lite Mama said...

I love your sense of humor
Watching "Alex and Emma" but your post is more fun

Nancy said...

It gets better as they get older, I promise. :)

Kelly said...

It only gets better! That Itty Bit is so funny!

Anonymous said...

OMGosh! Why didn't I find your blog sooner! I, too, am hearing impaired. Not deaf, but still impaired.

Even though my son is now 10 and has outgrown the antics Itty Bit shows, I no longer feel alone in the world. Because, um, yeah. He did that stuff too when he was 5. And embarrassed me non-stop.

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