Monday, September 05, 2011

Unprepared

 

I don’t have one of those “first day of kindergarten” posts.

More like one of those “weepy mom the night before kindergarten” posts.

 

Not so much that I blinked and five years passed… but rather,

Holy smokes – do I trust anyone on the planet to love my kid like I do?

 

I’m unsure how – for the first time – to entrust my son to someone who has a room full of energetic kids and a finite amount of brain cells and attention to devote to each.

 

Will she know that he will sit and play with a set of tracks for an hour?

Will she think his constant narrative is endearing and hush him with a smile?

Will she be kind enough to help him with the buttons on his jeans?

Will she remember that he hates to be cold but might be shy to ask for his jacket?

Will she think he’s funny?

Will she hug him and tell him he makes her happy?

 

For seven long years, I packed this hope away.  The idea of being that mom in the school parking lot, waiting to hear about her kid’s day – was folded painfully away with the assumption that I’d ever have a child.

November 2004 078a

 

And then he came.

And I was wrapped up in the wonderfulness of having someone who needs you.

 

And you don’t think about a time when they will ever not need you.

 

IMG_3902

 

And suddenly it’s tomorrow.

And I’m unprepared.

 

And excited.

And hopeful.

 

It’s gonna be a good year.

32 comments:

Shana said...

Oh God. I can't take it Rachel. You have me bawling. I know what you are feeling. Exactly. Because of the whole way we came about our pregnancies we are so similiar. This whole thing right now with my struggle about sending Blaze to public school is the same things you wrote. They don't know. They don't know the quirks or looks they get when something is wrong or they are scared or hurt but too stubborn to tell. I am praying for you all. I am here sending hugs to you!!!

Life With the Crazies said...

Oh gosh, I feel it too. My son started first grade in July, and now I'm reliving those feelings all over again. Not to say they're still not here on a daily basis, but it does get easier. I hope your sweet boy comes home tomorrow full of joy and that he is loved by his teacher.

Anonymous said...

God chose and trusted you to be his Mom - now it's time to trust Him to be his Dad (Heavenly Dad that is) :)

Diane said...

My heart goes out to you today because I have been there...twice. But he will make it just fine and you will make it just fine too.

Can't wait to hear all about his first day!

Mom of M&Ms said...

WOW!!! His world gets bigger today!!! and so does yours...and no matter how much his world grows, his need for you increases twofold.. Jesus is there the whole time and Jesus is with you too, to fill that emptiness of this day... embrace it, squeeze him hard and set him loose to fly!!!!

Singedwingangel said...

OH I remember those days so well. Now I have 3 boys who only need me when they are broke or sick.. sighs..

Kelly Howard said...

HOMESCHOOL=NO hurting hearts! That was THE BEST feeling in the world, not having to cry when letting them go into a very big, very bad world when they aren't prepared for it yet.

Kmama said...

I really know that feeling well. You did an excellent job of putting into words what so many moms struggle with. ((HUGS)) He will be fine, and so will you!

Brandi said...

I don't know what that's like, but Bubba did go to pre-K. It was about a 2week adjustment, but he did great. Although a 'stranger' doesn't know your kid like you do, those ladies have experienced every type of personality and can usually deal with the kiddos just fine. I will send prayers that Itty gets a kind and loving teacher. Another thing to remember (because my Bubba is a wild one as well... or shall we call them exuberant?), they generally behave better for strangers than they do for momma. ;) He'll do great, Rach. He's a wonderful kid.

Buckeroomama said...

''....do I trust anyone on the planet to love my kid like I do?''

I think all mommies ask that. :) Sometimes, though, we just have to let go. We'll always feel that it's way too soon, though.

Aunt Crazy said...

He'll be fine momma and so will you. It will take you more time to adjust than him, for sure, but be confident that he'll be well taken care of in school. Kindergarten is an awesome school year for the littles...they learn so much about how to go to school. He'll be just fine!!!

Susan. said...

Everyone with a child five or older knows exactly what you are feeling. Everyone who is or has been a teacher wants you to know that we chose that profession because we LOVE kids! (I mean everyone knows it isn't for the money, right??) SO, how could a teacher not love your adorable Itty Bit? Kindergarten teachers are especially patient with the little ones because they have such varied skill levels and it takes a bit of time to get them all on the same page, but as Aunt Crazy suggested, it's a time of learning how to go to school. It's actually easier to corral 25 same-age kids and teach them all at once than it is to have a handful, of various ages, at home. It's exciting and fun for the kids to finally be considered "big enough" to be at school just like the bigger kids. I can't wait to hear the funny things Itty Bit comes home and tells you, or the funny things his teacher tells you about him! As a teacher of third graders, I walked into the school every morning with a smile on my face because I couldn't wait to hear my students' 8 and 9 yr, old versions of how the world works. It was my favorite job EVER! So you see, teachers get really excited about your kid too!

scooterpie said...

He is an amazing miracle sis, but one of the miraculous parts of his life is that he has the opportunity to LIVE life-to experience the things that are wonderful and new and good (for HIM)It isn't easy to watch him go with strangers, but it is an AWESOME place you are sending him and I know its the first day of school, but believe it or not, when he comes home YOU are the one he will want to tell all about it and YOU are the one he will still need, YOU are still and will always be his Momma. Growing older will NEVER change that. But just in case...you DID teach him karate, right? ;) I love you

K- floortime lite mama said...

oh how well i know what you mean
many hugs
I want to just hang on to every moment
Love that picture of yours - you remind me of Demi Moore in that photo

Foursons said...

Oh my goodness, the difference in the video and the picture of Itty Bit on that that balance beam is unbelievable!

Hang in there Rach, it will get easier. I truly believe it is much harder on us than them when we leave them at the classroom door.

How did he react to you leaving him at school? Was he excited, ready, nervous, scared? I have a feeling he is going to LOVE it.

And no, teachers won't know everything we wish they knew about our kids, but honestly I have never met a bad Kinder teacher. They love on those little ones and will walk baby steps through the school year preparing them for 1st grade.

It will all be OK! (By the way, we need pictures. Lots and lots of pictures of his first day.)

robin said...

*hug*

I remember crying for a couple days as my first one entered kindergarten. Our school system is awful and I couldn't send any of mine to it...we opted to send them all to private schools over the years (and now.) At some point, I might not be able to afford it but it helps me sleep at night. Hang in there...it gets better!

Oh, I also volunteered a lot with the class (and it helped me with the transition, lol!)

NaomiG said...

Oh dear. This makes my heart ache. All that is just one of the reasons I decided to home-school. :-)

Hope his first day goes great!

Danielle said...

Oh....makes me sad to think that'll be me in 3 years! EEK!! I cried when we took my little brother to kindergarten 9 years ago...

I'm praying for a slow next 3 years.

sara said...

they never stop needing you...the type of needing just changes. Praying for a great day for your son and you!!

Amy said...

Of course it will be a great year! No one can love him like you can dear, but they will play an important role in his life. The teacher will not replace you.... only help you with your sweet little one. I am not in your shoes so I can't imagine how hard it is to let go. The fact that I was able to conceive my babies with such easy also makes me appreciate them less. I wish that I could be the mom that you are! I hope his first day was amazing, and that you made it through just fine ;-)

myletterstoemily said...

it WILL be a great year, and he will joyfully
jump into your arms each day, full of stories.
and so will you.

it is so hard to let go. i will pray that the
Lord fills that empty space with something
very special.

"where did your first baby post go?" i didn't
mean to publish it, so i hastily pulled it back
into the saved posts. thanks for asking.

Michelle Pixie said...

A very good year indeed! Another beautiful post. I can't wait to hear how the first day goes for all of you. XO

Emmy said...

I hope he has a wonderful year! It will be hard not always knowing everything that is going on in their lives but it is good. Love that picture of you

blueviolet said...

Yes, it will be a good year for both of you. :)

Tamar SB said...

Hope he had a fabulous day and that you did well too!!

stephanie said...

I cannot take it! so beautiful and makes me want my little chickies to never grow up.

Jessica {Team Rasler} said...

I guess it's a good thing I'm easing into this with having my guy go to two days of preschool this year (and again next year) before K. Because I wonder every one of these same questions. Sigh. It's not easy. I hope the teacher is fabulous. Every K teacher I've ever worked with has been some kind of miracle worker, so I think you've got a good chance at having a yes answer to all of your questions!

Dyann said...

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and Yes.

Except the last one. That last one is just for the mommies in the parking lot.

One of my favorite things about sending my children off to other people is to hear about the wonderful things that they fall in love with about MY children. I love the different perspectives that they see my kiddos from:
"Her new haircut fits her personality perfectly--spicy."
"He's every teacher's dream student."
"He is a very kind little boy."

Enjoy your monkey. They will, too.

Dyann said...

Oh--and the finite brain cells? Yeah, a bit of training can do a lot for that. I've witnessed firsthand how a teacher with a teeny little voice can gain control over a class of almost 30 6yos with barely an audible cue.

4 years later, I'm still agog at that one.

HeatherOz said...

Oh gosh! It is so hard. NO ONE loves ya like yer Momma!

Kelly said...

They grow up too fast. Cameron turned 13 this year, and wanted to take a "guys" weekend without me...my heart broke. Luckly my husband reminded him that Wes goes nowhere without me!

Still as they grow your heart just hurtsfor the little boy that was, but loves the little man that is coming.

Good luck with school

RaD said...

Man you have such a way with putting to words feelings, doubts, fears, ambitions. Wow.

I think I take for granted the fact that my kids go to a small Christian school and that I work right there. I didn't quite have all these anxieties because, well, I'm there. And I know the teachers. But this year it really smacked me in the face how much parents need that security that you love and care for their children. And while I only see those kiddos on recess and after school, and a few during the day for reading group, I try my utmost best to be firm but loving, fun but under control (with the group not myself, although at times I need it for myself too), lively and exciting and friendly and helpful. Even for the kid that has pressed that last button.

Those adventuresome, high-energy, story telling, acrobatic, chatterbox, excited, crazy, interesting, awesome kids are the ones you remember your whole life long. They are the ones who will bring a smile to your face one moment and will make you do all you can not to yell at them the next. But someone who is truly, gifted and called to work with children will love them, care for them, tie their shoes and button their pants, look out for their needs and give them lots of hugs because it's what we love.

When God through me in with kids I wondered why. I couldn't understand them. Why did they just do so many off the wall things? Twelve years later and I can't get enough. Today I got hugs from the entire first grade class, because they said, I was awesome.

Your boy will do great. He may confuse his teacher at times. Drive her crazy others, not listen sometimes, get easily distracted, day dream, pick his nose, wipe it on the kid next to him and still she'll sigh and redirect. Smile and give a hug. I know this because in kindergarten, that's who my daughter was. The high energy fireball who couldn't stay focused long enough to learn the lesson but could sit at the book station forever long.

Today in third grade, she is an imaginative daydreamer, who never has her things in the proper order or place, who always wanting to tell stories and has to be reminded to stay on task. And her teacher loves her to pieces and says she wishes she could see the world through her eyes because it must be an amazing place to live. :)

Sorry that was so long. I got on a roll there and couldn't shut up!