Monday, October 31, 2011

Purge

 

 

Sometimes the words just need to come out.  Even if they’re not perfect.

 

Even if they suck beyond suckage.

 

I realize today would normally be a True Story Tuesday, but I’m having a tough time finding the funny, and it would feel like cheating to pretend.

 

You know that thing I can’t talk about?  It got a million times worse.

Like throw up at work worse.

Like three hours of sleep a night worse.

Like my skin is breaking out and I’m worrying nonstop worse.

Like I accidentally dyed my hair black to cover up all the gray worse.

Like the black makes it more obvious how much hair I’m losing worse.

 

Three years after this began – I never dreamt we’d still be putting all our life decisions on hold waiting for an unbearably slow process to catch up to people who have done wrong.

 

My own regret speaks loudly.

I’m trading a day of my life for this.

 

Sometimes doing the right thing sucks.

 

In the span of three weeks, this situation reached crisis stage, Mom died, and my husband got sick.

Except nobody realized just how sick he was. 

He downplays it – joking like he always does.

 

I have tried to type this, and the words just don’t sound right.  To understand that God is in the details is to realize how much He cares.

 

My man is more stubborn than the average redneck.  He had to be in an enormous amount of pain to allow me to seek help.

His neck had swollen in response to a viral infection – to the point of obstructing his swallowing and leaving him with a severe 3-day fever.

And as unwelcome as that news was, the severity meant that he needed a CT scan.

 

His condition meant that we got immediate care.  While trying to cope with the present crisis, I was completely unprepared for what came next.

 

“The CT scan shows swelling… on this side of the neck…

…it also shows a bump on the other side… biopsy…”

 

At the word biopsy, I felt like I was barely holding on.  Like I just wanted to cry and say, ENOUGH!

But that bump would have never been found had he not wound up as sick as he was.  And had we not been right there, at that right time, with a specialist and all the right medical personnel…

 

 

We have no news.

 

 

Waiting is brutal.  Wondering is worse.

 

 

 

I’ve hesitated to share this with you.  It just feels so personal.

This will never see the PUBLISH button if Mr. Daddy doesn’t want it to.

 

 

We appreciate your prayers.

 

And are living more purposefully.  Realizing that LIFE can’t wait for decisions or news or things that may never happen.

 

IMG_5372

 

So please forgive me if I put TST on hold for awhile.

I hope it will be a time of upcoming good news.  Of peace that doesn’t depend on circumstances.  Of a deeper knowing of God.

My marriage has never been stronger.  My kid has never been cuter :)   I have amazing blog friends.  And a list of fun posts I am eager to write.

 

God is still good.

41 comments:

Tina said...

I know, firsthand, the wait. I understand, firsthand, the fear. But, God knows too. And He is our comforter.
I'll be praying for your husband, the doctors, for you and your family.

joeks said...

You're all in my prayers.
And you're right.... God IS good!

Pam Bowers said...

praying praying praying......

Singedwingangel said...

Mighty Jehovah Rophe, Father your word tells us that You alone are the Great Physician. You tell us that we can come boldly to the throne and receive our healing, that no weapon formed against us shall prosper. You promise we will never be handed more then we can bear and sometimes we are left to wonder what you see in our strength that we don't. Lord I life Rachel and Mr. Daddy up to you right now. Father you know that they have opened their hearts to many, their truths they have shared, be it good , bad, or indifferent but their faith in you has held them up, when all else has seemed to fall around them. Lord I stand with her in the gap for her husband and tell sickness it must leave his body. We claim the precious blood of Jesus to cover him from the tops of his head to the soles of his feet and angels to surround them to war in the heavenlies the things that are unseen to them. I call forth healing and total restoration to them. 7 times what he has stolen from them Lord you say Satan must restore. I am calling that harvest in . In the mighty name of Jesus. Amen

Brandi said...

The thing you can't talk about just hurts my heart. It makes no sense... and it sounds so ridiculous to say God has a 'reason' for that, or a 'reason' for any of the suffering y'all have endured lately. I don't think there's a reason, but I know there's a plan. I know He already knows the outcome, and I know He only wants good things for y'all. Continue to show your faith, Rach. Don't lose hope, even in the darkest moments. He IS leading you through this, and there IS something ahead for y'all... something good.

I claim favor over Mr. Daddy's health. I claim favor over you. I claim favor over the thing you can't talk about. I claim favor over your family. Now, you do it. And believe it. Good things are ahead.

<3 y'all.
Sending prayers.
...and ((HUGS))

Janie Fox said...

Praying for you all because I KNOW prayer changes things and God is still on the throne. xoxo

Tamar SB said...

Oh Rachel. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You have all had enough! I'm praying for Mr. Daddy and your family. Hang in there an I hope this incoming holiday season is one of joy and comfort for you all!

MrsMann said...

Hugs to you sweet friends! I will be praying for you all. They say when it rains it pours. I try to remember after the storm that there's always a rainbow. I pray you see a rainbow in the very near future. A rainbow that puts all these fears to bed once and for all.

K- floortime lite mama said...

my darling
Heart breaks for you
How I dote on your little trio
Hugs and hugs and more hugs

sara said...

I am so glad you shared with us so that we can all be lifting your family up in pray....and know I am!!

((hugs))

Kmama said...

Oh Rachel. What can I do? I'm praying. Praying for all of you. Is that enough? It sure doesn't feel like enough.

If you ever need to vent, be it the work situation or otherwise, you know I'm just an email away.

((HUGS))

Diane said...

Prayers being sent. Hope you get some good news soon!

Foursons said...

I am so very sorry y'all are walking this road right now. It is times like these that I wish I was living down the road and we could go slogging together. My prayers are always with y'all. Hang in there.

lifebythecreek said...

I watch as the people that I love and admire the most go through hard time after hard time, and I hurt. The only place that I can turn that offers any true comfort is His Word. The book of Job has become a favorite, for it allows me a tiny glimpse into the mind of a God who sometimes seems unreliable and cold. To see so many things piled up on you and your sweet family makes no sense, until I realize that God BELIEVES in you so much that He laughs at satan and says "No.. they won't turn away from Me." The biggest thing that I take away from that book, though, is how Job's friends interact with him. The thing he needs most is for them to simply be there. To sit with him and cry and grieve. To offer a shoulder to lean on, instead of words of advice. So, as much as the Internet will allow it, consider me there.. sitting next to you. Lean on me... and know that my prayers are constant. Love you...

robin said...

You know, as I was reading, tears swelled up before I even got halfway through. I had to walk away and then come back to read the rest. Hoping for positive news quickly! You guys are in my prayers! P & PTs...

Saimi said...

It is truly amazing how God works, my dad would have never known he had colon cancer if it wasn't for the pneumonia that sent him to the hospital. He came through just fine and so will your husband!

Keeping my prayers with you!

Furry Bottoms said...

Hang in there, Rachel. This storm too shall pass. We are all here lifting you and Big Daddy up.

Bethany said...

Oh, Rachel. My heart hurts beyond belief for you. The pain of losing someone is enough to make knees tremble without the added stress. I am praying for a favorable outcome for the biopsy. Peace, joy and the love of the Father to pour over your heart and mind and spirit in these trying days. Praying your faith will be strengthened so you can hold that shield high and extinguish the arrows of the devil. Hang on to Him, He is so, so good.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...."
Isaiah 43:1b-3a

Danielle said...

My heart is aching for you. Not knowing is the worst. I'm praying for the best for you guys! You need to catch a break somewhere!

HUGS!!!

Julie said...

Praying for you for sure. ((HUGS))

Susan said...

Strength stands on the back of refusal. Refuse to be a victim. Refuse to think that at any point, someone will think you gave up, and especially that they MADE you give up. Refuse to build worse case scenarios in your mind where Mr. Daddy's health is concerned. Remember that we live in a time of very advanced medicine and treatment for all manner of health issues. You'll emerge from all of this stronger than before because you have the balance of very wonderful people in your life (and yes, one of them has never been cuter!) and a positive track record of personal courage and integrity. Lean into the prayers we offer and trust that those heartfelt prayers are heard. This crisis will not last forever, Rachel. You are stronger than you are feeling you are. While you are trusting in God, trust also in yourself. Both are necessary for you.

GunDiva said...

There are no words, Rachel.

Sending love and prayers your direction.

Mom of M&Ms said...

I feel like i am behind.. but I know that God is an on time God.. so know that my prayers are with you and Hubby and Doctors and staff.. Know that the throne is being stormed for you all...and that you are loved!!!!

Amy said...

I wish I had words for you, to help you.... but I feel like anything I say would just not be enough. You humble me with your trust in the Lord. I pray that when a crisis comes my way I can handle it the way you do.

Go out there and love your family. Spend all the time you can with them. You will get through this! All will be well!

Emmy said...

Oh Rachel! Keeping you all in my prayers for sure. I do hope the results come back all clear.

Presley family said...

You are all in my heart and prayers. Just remember... "God strengthens our back to bare the burdens that have been placed upon it." BIG BIG BIG HUGS my friend!!!!

stephanie said...

bless your heart {and I mean that in the most sincere way possible} my heart aches for y'all. praying for your family.

The Lady Wolf said...

Looks like all previous comments pretty much said it all for me but I just wanted to know that I'm always here for you. Babysitter? Check. Few frozen meals? Check. A friend to lend you a shoulder? Check. Please, please, please do let me know what I can do for you. You all are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

God always gets the last word...REMEMBER THAT ALWAYS

Cindy said...

i will remember you and your husband in my prayers.....i hope everything turns out okay!!!

xoxo

Kameron said...

Oh sweetie, i am so sorry your family is going thorough so mcuh right now. I will pray that the biopsy comes back negative and things start to even out for you guys.

oregonsunshine said...

I am so sorry you've got more stress on your already overflowing plate, honey. You and Mr Daddy are in our prayers as well.

heather said...

It breaks my heart to read this uncharacteristically real and raw post. Praying for you and Mr. Daddy sweet friend.

Tamar SB said...

We're preparing for winter out here, altough it is already snowing...

Continuing to send you good wishes and thoughts!

Stacy said...

Keep us posted on the results...please. Praying for you over here, too. Ugh. You guys have enough to deal with without a health scare to add to it. At least it was caught, which is the important part. Sometimes God works in mysterious ways, right?? Getting sick and finding it was one of those ways.

Hugs to you guys...and prayers.

Liz {Learning To Juggle} said...

Oh my dear sweet friend!! I wish I was there to give you both hugs, or hold your hand, or do something. You are all in my prayers right now, for strength and for peace.

Liz {Learning To Juggle} said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
danette said...

My heart aches for you... sending huge (((hugs))) and heartfelt prayers for you and your family.

HeatherOz said...

Oh Rachel. Many prayers and Big Bear Hugs!!

Eve said...

Praying for your husband and your family!

Lexie Loo, Little Lily, and Dylan Too! said...

Praying for Mr. Daddy!