Saturday, December 10, 2011

hard frost

 

 

The moon was huge.

 

It was the first big freeze.

 

And no matter my thoughts, I couldn’t help but notice the how bright the night was.

How it looked as if everything had been dusted with glitter.

 

 

frost

 

 

I carried another steaming bucket out to the horses’ frozen trough and laid my hand against my girl’s soft nose.

 

It was utterly still except for the fog of our breath rising.

 

 

This is hard.

 

I don’t really want to do this anymore.  It’s hard to keep your footing when the blows keep landing.

 

Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that that hushed moment of watching my entire world shimmer – was a moment of peace that was a gift.

 

I was reminded of what I said to my cousin, not knowing he was days away from horrific injury.

“Don’t waste the hard things”.

 

 

Reminded of what I watched Mom do as she struggled to against a 6-month prognosis.

She didn’t waste the hard things.

 

 

If this is the only part you see of me, I want you to walk away knowing that I believe in a bigger plan.

 

The news wasn’t what we’d hoped for.

 

IMG_1206

 

 

I don’t even know where to start, except that I hate that the cells show this may be the dreaded “c” word.

 

Hate the word “suspicious”. 

 

Hate that they need to schedule surgery.

 

Hate that this brings fear into our lives.

 

Grateful that they are treating this aggressively.

 

 

~

 

The results were inconclusive.  But isn’t that how life often is?

 

I’m choosing – to really experience this Christmas.

Because God doesn’t change.

 

 

I don’t have the right

to say “Lord use me…

…but only if it doesn’t hurt.”

 

Not by sight

But things unseen

Will give life worth.

 

I don’t want to waste this.

 

Because if this is the only way

that You will be glorified

then take my pain

and use it for good.

 

If this is the only time

Someone will see my life

I want them to know

that You’re still good.

 

I don’t want to waste this.

36 comments:

rachel said...

Praying for Mr Daddy. And you!

Allenspark Lodge said...

Found early.

That gives you time to fight and pray.

You are all loved.

Bill

Bethany said...

Praying hard, Rachel. I'll keep praying as the Lord leads and if you want to email me something specific to pray for, I'd be honored to pray for those things as well. Trusting the One who can keep you in perfect peace and who can redeem all things.

Jennie said...

I can't imagine how scary that must be - sending thoughts and prayers your way!!!

Tiffany said...

I wish I had more words than I'm sorry. I wish I could promise you that all will be ok. I wish I could hug you.

There has not been a single moment wasted in all you have walked through. Your life is forming pearls right now. It hurts, I know. And it takes a lot longer than we think it should. But, someday, you will look back on this time with a handful of pearls.

Know that we are on our knees daily for all of you. You are a treasure to us.

Pam D said...

So many things running through my head. Already messaged Mr D and knew... and all he thinks about is YOU. I just come up dry on pithy sayings or beautiful words right now. So, I shall simply sit with you, and pray with you, and water my keyboard with tears. Praying that the news will be such that they will soon turn to tears of joy. Love you both much.

Saimi said...

That moon was BEAUTIFUL last night and we are having the same frozen fog frost thing going on also.

Mr. Daddy is going to get through this, just glad it was found early!

Praying for your family!

Kelly said...

I have not logged into blogger in a while, I'm so sorry about this news with Mr. Daddy. I assure you I will be praying for him. it seems like that awful c word is everywhere now. My mom just started her Chemo treatments this week. They said that with this new stuff she wouldn't get sick....they lied.

Anyway, I wll pray for you as well. I know being the sick one is hard, but loving the sick one is equally as hard.

heather said...

Oh no, I am so sorry Rachel. Praying for you and especially Mr. Daddy. God is good, even when our circumstances are not. Praying his peace over you during this time. I'm so sorry friend.

Foursons said...

Oh Rachel...my heart is breaking for you right now. I pray that "inconclusive" leans towards the good side for Mr. D. I am storming the gates on y'alls behalf. I'm so, so sorry to be reading this.

Brandi said...

Not what I wanted to hear, but I'm going to hold on to 'suspicious' meaning they don't know for sure. I'm glad they're being aggressive. Mr. D., you are tough dude... you can do this. Hugs and prayers to both of you. God Bless.

stephanie said...

God is good, all the time. praying for you. him. your family.

Mom of M&Ms said...

God is such an "on time God" and in that sparkly moment of peace He showed you how on time He is...We continue to pray... and storm the throne just for Mr. Daddy, You and Itty...

Leiah said...

I refuse to accept anything but total healing. That Man, kidney cancer - healed. My daddy, liver cancer - healed. Three friends from HS, breast cancer - healed. My prayers will continue for all of you. We're all in your corner fighting this fight with you. Love you my friends.

Floortime Lite Mama said...

my heart is breaking my darling
sending many many many positive thoughts that the inconclusive tests may mean that its not the horrible c word
sending you many many many hugs
I am really feeling that next year will be a much better year for you

Anonymous said...

Praying for your family.
Love and hugs from, Wisconsin

Anonymous said...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

Anonymous said...

P.S. to previous message: Luv u Gus

robin said...

Inconclusive and suspicious seem less scary than positive for 'c.' However, I'm SO glad it's early, being treated aggressively, and will be sending you all positive thoughts and prayers for an easy surgery and even better results afterwards! *hug*

Fire Wife Katie said...

Keeping your sweet family in my prayers today. (((Hugs)))

brian said...

speechless...

Julie said...

Huge hugs... thinking of you and praying for you (both). <3

HeatherOz said...

Dammit! Still praying every day!
Hang tough guys!!!

The Lady Wolf said...

Mr. daddy is lucky to have you and itty-bit, and all the wonderful family members (even the crazy ones). And caught it in time... Better chance of beating it. We are here for you, and don't hesitant to text me.

Stacy said...

Praying for Mr Daddy and your family. Yes, that is not what we all hoped to hear. Catching it early is GOOD though. He's a tough guy and will be able to get through is. ((((hugs))))

Furry Bottoms said...

Mr Daddy will be OK. In any which way, he will be OK. Whether or not you guys have a long hard fight ahead of you, you have eachother and this "c" can definitely be beat. And you know, Mr Daddy always seems to be the strong burly type, he can kick this in the butt. You all are in my prayers.

Susan said...

Inconclusive. That's the word that jumps out at me in everything you said. Makes me trust that whatever the aggressive treatment protocol is, it is bound to be successful. Past experience tells me that it is always harder, emotionally, on the person who is not going through it but is watching a loved one go through it. Stay as tough as Mr. Daddy, Rachel. Your whole family is being held in prayer by all of us; each day is a step towards renewed health.

Danielle said...

Praying. Praying. Praying.
Don't waste any moments.

Kelley said...

I'll be thinking about you all and praying! I know this is so hard. I loved your poem. You are an inspiration and a treasure to your family, I know.

Singedwingangel said...

Rachel, Sorry I am just now catching this but know that the C word doesn't stand a chance.. there is a bigger C word that overshadows and out powers it CALVARY another word that made it's power useless CRUCIFIXION and another C word that combined to 2 to bring healing CHRIST.. Those 3 C words outweigh the one by a mile never forget that.

Kameron said...

I have been missingfrom the blog world, but you guys are alwaysin my heart. I will pray for you.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

God is amazing, praying for you all.

Shana said...

Oh Dear Lord keep your hands on these precious friends of mine. Touch and heal and do what only You can do. Guide the doctors and let them do what needs to be done to make sure all is well. Most of all make sure they know they are loved and ok. I love you guys Rachel and I am so sorry the news wasn't what we all hoped. I am praying nonstop.

Amy said...

Sweet friend I have been praying so hard. Sorry I have not been around lately to offer any comfort or funny words to take your mind off of everything... like is crazy. We too are just trying to enjoy this amazing season.

God is holding Mr. Daddy in His hands. I will be praying, praying, praying. For healing, peace and comfort, answers. Just praying for you all! Keep your chin up and don't let this fear break you down. All will be well.

Jess said...

Praying.

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

Sending prayers to Mr.Daddy, you,and your family!