Thursday, January 05, 2012

I don’t want to

 

 

I don’t want to do this.

 

 

The specialist finally told us what the rest of them only danced around.

 

Ninety-five percent.

 

And the dude knows what he’s talking about.

 

It’s the one thing I didn’t want to hear.  Anything but cancer.

 

IMG_2216

 

He’s strong.  A little sleep-deprived, but cracking jokes.  Processing.

I’m weak.  Sleeping fitfully.  Losing my funny.  Numb.

 

And kind of in disbelief.

 

 

If I’m honest, I’ll tell you that the Great Equalizer in me thinks that everyone should have a fair amount of happy and grief.

(Oh wait, is that some kind of cosmic socialism?  My bad).

 

And I feel like… well… like life kind of took a dump on Mr. Daddy lately.

 

(Sorry.  This is a bit raw.)

 

 

Except… that I believe in God.

 

A God who has a bigger plan.

One who loves me – every single imperfect part of me.

One who can bring good from bad.

One who is more interested in my character than my comfort.

And the One who gave me this man to love.

 

 

And in looking at the broken pieces of my life, I can see where He painfully healed those edges in ways that brought blessings.  I have to take my own advice to Not Waste The Hard Things.

 

 

In true Mr. Daddy fashion… a quote that I love:

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.  ~Author Unknown

 

We can do this… because God already knows.  He knows every single yucky detail, every single diagnosis, and every single moment of our life that needs to not be wasted.

 

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”  Ernest Hemingway

 

 

My Facebook account exploded today.  My phone buzzed with text messages.  Emails came non-stop.  Sweet comments on the blog.

Bible verses… typed prayers… threats for not updating…

 

And this beautiful gem from PamD:

"Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there." ~Author Unknown

 

And many others that I’d post except that Facebook just went down for maintenance as I was typing this (seriously?!?)

 

I’m getting teary-eyed thinking of all the times my phone buzzed today.  It is probably a record for a cell phone in the hands of a deaf person.  You guys are amazing.  A true support team.  I don’t even know how to say Thank You.

 

It seemed every few minutes that persistent buzz startled me and each word brought a feeling of being hugged.  It is no exaggeration to say that people were praying from all over the U.S… and all over the world.

 

 

How humbling.

 

 

So thank you.  I’d love to hug you around the neck.

 

 

“Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.”  Hebrews 10:23

 

And His promise? To never leave us alone.

 

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50 comments:

Shana said...

We are never alone if we have God. We are always praying here for you guys. Y'all are on the church prayer list also and all of my family is praying. Just think of it this way, God allowed Mr. Daddy to get sick on the other side of his neck so this could be found and taken care of. Jeremiah 29:11 was never more true. I wish with all my heart I was close to you guys so I could be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend and arms to hold one of the sweetest friends I know. I have been on the receiving end of y'all's prayers and sweet words so many times. Your unwavering support has held me up many times and I hope you know that you have the same support in me. I love you guys and will keep you lifted up in prayer as long as I live.

Michaela@Life With the Crazies said...

Praying... that's all. Praying.

Kmama said...

I'm praying with a vengeance. Hang in there.

sara said...

praying alongside you.

Mrs Mom said...

Rock on you two. Rock on. We've got yer backs ;)

xoxo

Mom of M&Ms said...

"I am the Lord's Servant and I am willing to accept whatever He wants!!!!" Luke 1 38

still praying

Cindy said...

we were told that too....95%. hubby was holding out for the 5% but i knew better....i hope that this was caught early. i will be praying for you all...

stay strong and pray, pray, pray!!

xo, cindy

Stacy said...

Yes, life has taken a dump on Mr. Daddy lately. :( I will be praying for you, and you are all definitely in my thoughts, too. Stay strong, you will power through this, and we are all here for you.

stephanie said...

taken a dump is the exact appropriate phrase. I'm so sorry and ever praying.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

This sucks. It just sucks, and I am praying!!!

Brandi said...

So... surgery now? Do they know if they can get it all that way? OK, asking all kinds of personal questions. I'll shut up.

Praying it was caught early. Praying everything is best-case. Praying for healing. Nonstop praying over here. Hang in there, guys. <3

rachel said...

It's hard to not be in control, but really we're NOT (in control). God knows what he's doing. I'm praying.

Furry Bottoms said...

I'm trying to understand. 95%? 95% sure he has cancer... or 95% sure it is benign? or 95% sure that he is scots free?

Yes, you're right. Sometimes it seems like Life takes a large dump on you (or Mr Daddy for example) recently. When it rains it pours in some cases. But then it will all stop and the sun will come out shining brightly again.

However frustrating and painful it seems, remember that God would not give you something he didn't think you could handle.

Hugs to you and your family!

Kristin at My Art and the Mom in Me said...

Praying.. I am so very much praying..

Pam Bowers said...

Oh my! Praying! God knows, He hears!

Miss. Jinny said...

Praying in Colorado ... For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you a hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Amy said...

My heart is aching for you dear friend. I wish there were was something I could do to take all this away, but that is just not God's plan. He is holding you all in His hands.

"The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you"

He is there with you dear. He is hearing every plead, every cry, every angry thought. He knows your heart and He does good for those who love Him.

Praying. Always praying!

You humble me sweet Rachel.

Tiffany Bleger said...

I wish I could be there. I wish I could take Itty Bit and spoil him. I wish I could make y'all dinner and bring coffee. And firearms for a little therapy session.

All I can do is pray. And I will. And if there is ANYTHING that I can do from 1000 miles away, you had better tell me. Love you friend. God is bigger than this bogey man.

Presley family said...

Oh my sweet friend, I am sorry I have not been around. Bubba has been very sick. I am so sorry to hear the news.... I know that there isn't anything that I can say that will make you feel better but I can tell you that I truly understand. It is crazy but in our hardest times, when we feel so weak, is when we find out how truly strong we are. There is a quote that I have been loving lately "The wonderful thing about the future is... that it comes one day at a time." Abe Lincon You are in my heart and prayers my friend. You are not alone!!! I pray that God will wrap his loving arms around you tonight and help you feel some peace. BIG HUGS

heather said...

CANCER SUCKS. Yeah, I'm saying it. I hate that we live in a fallen world where the consequences of sin (not necessarily our own) run rampant.

I am so sorry friend. I am praying for your today, your tomorrow, and every moment in between. May the Lord make his presence clearly known to you and Mr. Daddy.

lifebythecreek said...

You've been on my heart and in my prayers all day. I have so much to share that is running through my brain, but I know you need some time to get steady on your feet again. But this quote is one that I love, so I'll leave it with you..

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." ~Barbara Bloom

Love both of you very much... xoxox....

Danielle said...

WHAT would we do without Faith in higher things?!?!

You're amazing.

Anonymous said...

You can bet I'll have one special guy on my mind when I'm kneeling before the alter later this morning. May God bring comfort and stregnth to your darling little family during this time and all the other rough patches life will bring along the way. I can tell how much you sincerely love your hubby... just remember that OUR GOD loves him *and you* a trillion times more. More than we can ever possibly imagine, and He promises that all things will work together for good in the end. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE FOR HIM WHO BELIEVES!

Floortime Lite Mama said...

Heart is breaking
But I also know that you and Mr Daddy will be okay
you have to be
you guys are such wonderful people
full of so much kindness and goodness
you have to win over this
hugs
kisses
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Floortime Lite Mama said...

Heart is breaking
But I also know that you and Mr Daddy will be okay
you have to be
you guys are such wonderful people
full of so much kindness and goodness
you have to win over this
hugs
kisses
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

melissa said...

in tears...
and forever praying.

robin said...

Praying.
Praying.
Praying.

Tara G. said...

First, {hugs}. Second- praying for you!

angel shrout said...

Prayers constantly going up. But there are words greater then Cancer.. The Cross defeats Cancer, The crucifixion defeats cancer, Calvary defeats cancer, Christ defeats Cancer. Whenever that C word tries to rear it's ugly taunting head , break out YOUR C words and stomp on it a while. And add in ones like Complete and Covered by the Blood.. see how it likes them..

Candance said...

Well, crap. That's all I got right now.

julie in memphis said...

Hugs and prayers <3

Marley's Mama said...

The Lord will walk in front, behind, and beside you. So don't worry if you falter or fall down...He will catch you! Hugs and prayers coming your way from me!

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. Many many prayers coming his (and your) way!

Jane Anne said...

I came here from Brandi's blog. It's been a while since I have visited your blog. I have to say that I am still after reading the news. Still? Yes, still. Everything stopped for me- the surfing and the browsing. I prayed for you and your husband. I will continue to pray.

"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10

GunDiva said...

You know we love you all and will pray for you. I'm so very glad that Mr. Daddy got so sick a while back and they found this. I can't imagine if they hadn't found it.

On a much lighter note...someone ought to take away the label maker. I've neveer seen so many labels on a drawer or cabinet. Oh my.

Emmy said...

So behind and kicking myself for nt getting here sooner. Prayers coming your way! Prayer is real.

Angie Vik said...

Thanks for the update. Hugs and prayers from Northern Wisconsin.

Shepherd K said...

I have been remiss in not following for far too long. My thoughts and prayers go out to you both.

Floortime Lite Mama said...

thinking of you

Gina Kleinworth said...

So deep, so hard to hear. Prayers for you!

Lisa said...

Brandi, whom I will forever cherish, brought this to my attention via sharing the new prayer badge. I. HAD. NO. IDEA. I had quit blogging due to computer problems and never really got started back. I went a good 3 months without checking my blog roll, etc. You wanna know the sick part? I have still been checking in every once in an while on CRAZY MCKM@M@ just to look at her pictures and see what new lie she was telling or whatever.... you wanna know the irony? Today, as of now any way, I can see NONE of rachels pictures. I would trade all my MCKM@M@ pictures to have been reading this as it came along and be the supportive friend that I should be. Love you guys sooooo much, you have no idea how you both touch everyone's life. And you mentioned someone to get after Mr. Daddy to find his blogging mojo? I will. TYPE DUDE. There. <3

Susan said...

For each and every offering that's already here, there are at least 10 readers who are too challenged to post a comment, but whose prayers have already certainly benefited you and Mr. Daddy and Itty Bit....prayers that will continue with hope and trust.....because that's just how it works when friends become determined to see you through a storm. Eleventy hundred reasons a man is loved ought to be the very best medicine he's got, but the added prayers and modern medical treatment available in this century are also reasons to lift your spirits. One step at a time, focus on each day. You will be guided through this in a variety of ways. You already know you won't be alone on the journey.

Julie said...

Big hugs to you.

Beth Zimmerman said...

Praying Rachel! My life has imploded lately so I'm not too vocal but please PLEASE know I am always praying!

Jenny said...

I am so sorry about this...

You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers!!

NaomiG said...

Oh my goodness! Praying SO HARD for you guys right now! Praying, Praying Praying.

Kristen said...

So sorry to hear this! Praying for you guys!

Jennie said...

Oh Rachel, I'm so sorry! Praying for your family!!!

Judy SheldonWalker said...

He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Jess said...

Amen, Rachel. God already know.