Sunday, January 01, 2012

What? It’s not December?

 

Anyone else think that the last half of December is the most cruel time for a Mom to be sick?

 

It should be illegal

or something.

 

We did manage some fun before the snot took over.  Like Christmas tree hunting.

 

Which is a very serious sport in Redneckville.  All aspects must be considered: height, fullness, shape, color, allowable gaps, needle dispersion, sharpness, rate of shedding…

 

I neglected to share with you the adventure that was last year’s tree picking ceremony.

 

IMG_8535

 

Both of the boys suddenly had bladder emergencies.  And while it is still somewhat socially acceptable for a 4-year old to unzip and whiz… I think the grown kid could have earned us a promptly escorted exit.

 

So peeing in tandem… I was relieved that it didn’t make a reappearance this year at the same Christmas tree lot.  This may or may not have had something to do with the owner giving Mr. Daddy permission to access a prized fishing spot.

 

It’s a weird, weird redneck world.

 

(You don’t let me use your fishing trail, I pee on your merchandise)

 

Anywho… my retelling of last year’s faux pas earned this expression:

 

IMG_6093

Apparently public urination is hilarious.  Who knew?

 

 

Then Mr. Daddy and I had a very important discussion about the tree selection process.  After breaking the news to Itty Bit about his choice…

 

 

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it proceeded something like this:

 

 

Oh honey, this one is perfect!

Rach, that one is too big.

No it’s not!  It’s perfectly shaped and look, no gaps!

Rach, that one is too big.

No it’s not!  We’ll put it under the vaulted ceiling in the living room.

Rach, that one is too big.

Honeeeeeyyyyy… (batting my eyelashes while Itty Bit looks at me in confusion)

 

Raaaach… fine.

 

 

(hauls tree home, sets it up in the wrong spot… scrapes ceiling… drags it to the vaulted section, touches ceiling…)

 

Rach…

Honey, why’d you get such a big tree?

 

~

 

 

And in other December news… other than refraining from peeing in public, my husband also bestowed a well-met gift.

King Julien and I have dared each other for some time to post photos of what we considered our World’s Grodiest Sofa.  My frugal self knew that our set was a good decade past replacement time and I wouldn’t gross y’all out with a picture because I LIKE YOU.

Thankfully the furniture guy was ready to dicker.  (An important side note… furniture stores will dicker even quicker if you give your 5-year old a frappucino before entering and tell him to test out the cushiness of each couch.  Especially let him know that everyone wants to hear “The Wheels on the Bus” at full volume.  Kindergartener available for rent).

 

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Our set is not quite as broken in, but every bit as comfy looking.

Hallelujah!

 

I wasn’t sad to retire the bachelor/bachelorette set :)

 

 

~

 

Moving right along… December is the most dangerous month for kitchen fires.  Did you know that?  Due in great part to the fact that *I* refuse to be beaten back by that ridiculous smoke alarm.

 

I was finishing up the last batch of ELEVEN zucchini bread loaves (desist mockery, I actually get asked for the recipe) at 12:30 AM (if that is not the definition of holiday schedule cramming…).

 

I was leaned over to retrieve the hot pans out of the far corners of the hot oven.  Seeing as how I’m vertically challenged… this meant that I was doubled up over the blistering inside edge of the oven door.  With my short little appendages fully inside the searing heat.

 

My thoughtful redneck (whom I’d assumed fallen asleep in front of Facebook as he is wont to do each night), chose that moment to TICKLE the inch of back fat that had become exposed during the whole leaning process.

 

(utmost apologies for the traumatic mental image)

 

So as my upper body is awkwardly ensconced in a 4000 degree inferno device, you can imagine how the sudden unexpected pinch went over.

 

Yeah.

 

I shrieked.

 

And one of those stubby little appendages flew backwards with uncontrollable speed and force, directly into a redneck’s sacred zone.

 

The hallowed procreation station.

 

(oh come on.  Go say it again a’la James Earl Jones and it’s funnier)

 

In the split second that followed, I spun into a soutenu en tournant that would make my ballet instructor proud, ripped the oven mitts off my hands, took in the sight of my husband doubled over gasping for breath, and unleashed a supersonic stream of I’m still freaked out words.

 

The poor man held to the counter groaning as a very grumpy (albeit ticklish) Keebler Elf angrily squeaked recriminations at him.

 

I’m sorry!  But you can NEVER tickle me when my body is half in the oven.  Oh my gosh! I’m sorrry.  AHHHHHH!  You scared me to death and I would have burned myself.  I didn’t mean to hit you THERE.  I’M SORRY!  But it’s your fault.  You can’t do that!

 

I’m sorry OKAY!?!?!  But you CAN’T do that!  Why on EARTH would you tickle me when I’m in the oven like that?  WHY!??! I’M SORRY!

 

He couldn’t even form words.  And I couldn’t stop.  It went for approximately 428 seconds without a breath until he finally gestured toward where Itty Bit was (hopefully) sleeping.

 

Let this be a lesson dude, let this be a lesson…

 

IMG_1113

 

 

 

~

 

Oh, and I would give you pictures of that perfectly shaped too-tall tree that didn’t get peed on… except that y’all already know I broke my lens.

(OHMYLORD I BROKE MY LENS.  MY BABY!)

 

So I got some terrific unintentional bokeh.

 

IMG_6374

Except that every picture of every PERSON also looks like this.  Yay me.

 

Excuse me while I go weep into my new couch cushions…

 

And how was YOUR December?

23 comments:

Saimi said...

First things first, I'm finally first on one of your post!! Yay me!!!

I love reading your blog girl, you have the funniest stories and that Itty Bitty boy of yours is the cutest thing EVER!!!

Hope all is well with Mr. Daddy, still praying for him!

Happy New Year!!

stephanie said...

congrats on the new couch- and I love your bargaining methods! I'm making mental notes now ;) and the junk punch? he totally deserved it!!

Angie Vik said...

Mothers should have to get sick at any time, let alone December. I hope you know the cardinal rule of parenting is that both parents can't get sick at the same time.

I enjoyed your picking out the tree conversation. Not fun when the husbands are right and we're wrong.

Sorry about your camera. What's a dedicated blogger to do?

Hope you had a nice Christmas. Blessings on your 2012.

lifebythecreek said...

Sooooo.... we've gone from Mr Daddy to Mr Braddy to Miss Birdy, all in one fell punch, no? Hahaaaa... he's lucky that's ALL he got! Dadgum... he nearly roasted my Rachel! And the whole fishing trail/water the tree thing... wow. That is some powerful bargaining, right there. 0_o Sending wishes and prayers and hugs... believing that 2012 will be a great year for you (as long as Mr D doesn't push you in the oven first!) xoxox...

RaD said...

Ha! HA! Yep, that was definitely HIS fault. Too bad so sad for him. If it were me I would be likely to start laughing at him, but that's just me ;)

Sorry about your camera. Yeesh, I'd still be freaking out about that. Not sure if that one could be easily recovered from.

Amy said...

This post would make an awesome stand-up comedy routine. Do you plan to take it on the road anytime soon?

As for how my December went, it also included nearly burning down the kitchen. The monumental tree belonged to my brother and his wife, but I had fun telling the story. And the random peeing happened in the wee hours (haha!) of Christmas morning by a sleepy, but way excited little guy who snuck downstairs to peek at his haul from Santa.

Happy New Year!

Mom of M&Ms said...

What we need is a purpose for snot!!! My entire December has bee a snot fest...and too much work and of course the actual Holiday prepartions.

Love the Bokeh, still bummmed about your lens... can I loan you one???

and peeing at the Christmas tree farm... I am gonna hug my girls a little tighter today....ROFL

Julie said...

December? What?? It's not December?! I don't remember most of December! It's mostly been me just not wanting to feel sick! This "morning" sickness is kicking my butt and I can't wait until my physical discomforts don't take priority anymore! :)

Anonymous said...

AAAHHH, the blessings of being male - the world is your urinal!

Foursons said...

First off, I have NEVER heard the word "dicker" used in quite that way before. I had to reread to make sure you weren't getting yourself in trouble with your mom. Hahahaha

Sorry to hear you were sick through Christmas, I call a do-over. Just for you though, I don't want to do it again for another 12 months.

As you were describing the oven incident I fully expected a picture of your burned appendages. I think you got the better end of the deal in this one. :)

Allenspark Lodge said...

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. We soooo love you guys. Can hardly wait to meet Mr. Daddy, so please, please don't damage him too much. That tree missing all the lower branches? A great choice! Still can't beat our Dr. Seuss tree, though. Yeah for 2012!
Juanita

Danielle said...

Oven tickling story = freaking hilarious. I was really Laughing Out Loud. :)
And, he should have known better, really. Either you were going to get burned, or he was going to take one in the junk....that's just how it is.
You guys are cute.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

I can't even feel sorry for his manly bits when he nearly threw you into a volcano of death. What was he thinking? And that also makes me glad that you oversized the tree! ;)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Okay, you win! You had the adventuresome December! I am 100% using the Fraphowdoyouspell it thing when we go looking for a dresser!

Stacy said...

I am the same way Rachel...nobody tickles me that isn't set to face the consequences! And Mr. Daddy...tickling her when she's in the oven??? Did you drink a beer or two before deciding to do that LOL?!

We also need some new couches, but ours currently look like your new one. So comfy, but after 13 years of married life and two babies/toddlers/small children...they are bit worse for the wear these days.

Oh, and boooo on breaking the lens! I have dropped my camera a few times, but usually on carpet. That must soften the blow. I have yet to break anything which is a miracle in itself.

Happy New Year to all of you! I hope you get a break this year and the pre-op goes well. I'll be praying for you.

Jess said...

Just when I think it can't get any more unbelievable, here you are again!

brian said...

by all means...pay no mind to the smoke alarm :)

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

The kitchen story had me laughing so hard!
I hope you're feeling better now!

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