Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Bikini Bingo Bust

 

Stick with me for a bit… it’s gonna get a wee bit crazy amigos.

 

So after our warm welcome to Acapulco,

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we stepped out of the airport to meet our unfailingly cheerful driver.

 

And by unfailingly cheerful, I mean he never stopped smiling as he got in the van and immediately poured tequila shots from a massive bottle in the front seat.

 

See this picture of Itty Bit at barely a year old?

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That bottle of tequila was about his size.  Not.even.kidding.

 

I had to laugh when my dad said, “I guess they don’t have Open Container laws here…”

 

 

The second culture shock came as we pulled onto the roadway.

Mexico’s drug war has made some places unsafe.  There are many uniforms everywhere you look… but I wasn’t prepared for the pickup trucks full of automatic rifle toting soldiers.

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Hard to see in the picture above.  (I was kinda sorta scared to use my sekrit photo ninja skills when guns were everywhere).

But it wasn’t hard to see at all when a military helicopter swung low across the hotel beach with armed soldiers on the skids.

The locals seemed happy about their presence.  Our driver kept us safe, as promised.

 

There are all kinds of other stories about the tour he took us on.  But for now, I’ll get to the reason y'all are here: my public humiliation.

 

(Don’t pretend it’s not.  We’ve known each other too long.)

 

It all started when we discovered the pool.

 

And Itty Bit decided we should live there.

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See those people?  We get those looks a lot.

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The first day I wore my MOM tankini with my MOM shorts.  I figure the world is just not ready for the incredible hotness that is my longsuffering baby weight.

 

There weren’t many people at the pool so I reached for my dry tankini the next morning.  The one with the BIKINI bottoms.

My mission was to add a coverup, find a hidden spot to shimmy out of it poolside, then sneak into the water without nary a flash of cellulite.

I was doing “swimmingly” (ha!) until (ahem) someone took this photo.

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Why do I look taller that way?  I should walk on my hands daily to be less fun-size.

 

That is neither here nor there (what does that mean anyway?).  The fatal mistake I made was in agreeing to play Pool Bingo.

Now… let me remind you:

 

we are in Mexico.

they speak Spanish.

I am deaf.

there are penalties for calling a false Bingo.

my dad is a scoundrel.

I am so buggered.

 

They hand out these disposable punch out Bingo cards that are essentially a mess of hanging chads.

bingo

 

A very enthusiastic hotel employee is manning the microphone.  She speaks rapidfire Spanish and translates to English.  My dad mouths the numbers to me, except those blasted pieces keep folding themselves down while the wind tries to blow them into the pool.

 

You’ve already guessed, right?

 

One more number and the entire row is a winner.  My dad mouths the number and my eyes widen.  I hesitate… not sure if it’s good.  And not sure how loud someone needs to yell.

My dad rescues me and yells, “BINGO!” and points to me.

The cheerful girl gestures for me to give her my card.

 

And then, as 1,872 pairs of eyes turn to me, I realize that I am utterly and completely screwed.

 

I have to get out of the pool.

 

In my “nobody will see me in these” bikini bottoms.

 

With my beautiful jiggles, back fat, and horrific sunburn.

 

“UN-BINGO!”, I want to cry.  You can UN-BINGO, right?

 

But the friendly girl with the microphone is gesturing to me.  My dad is grinning in that, “yep, you ARE screwed” way.  And I have to haul my soaking wet poundage gracefully out of the pool and walk to the cabana.

 

Seriously, where did all these people come from suddenly?

 

They check the numbers.  And as I look helplessly at them, I realize that I don’t need to speak Spanish – or even hear – to know what they are saying.

 

Oh Good Lord.  There was no i-20.

 

And sure enough, my dad is thoroughly cracking up when the girl chides me and orders me to do my penance.

 

“Dance!”

 

(Ummm… no?)

 

“DANCE!”

 

(No, that’s okay)

 

“Come on, you gotta do a $exy dance!”

 

 

My sunburn turned an even deeper shade of lobster, but she wouldn’t give up.  Apparently calling a bum Bingo is serious stuff.

 

What was I to do?

 

My FATHER was standing in the pool being ridiculously unhelpful with his laughter, my SON was bouncing next to him splashing approximately 42 people, and my HUSBAND was already mentally writing a Facebook status update.

And of course the friendly girl has now drawn a bigger crowd with her microphoned encouragement to “Do a $exy dance!  Do it!”

 

 

All eyes on me. 

 

And this is what I busted out with.

 

 

 

And because one moment of utter humiliation is not enough…

they called me out of the pool twice more for encores and a bow.

 

(This was apparently hilarious to two guys from Michigan in the pool).

 

 

There.

Don’t you feel better about your life right now?

Knowing that at least you haven’t embarrassed yourself in such a splendid way yet?

 

 

Now…

to all the family members who keep randomly yelling BINGO

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30 comments:

SHANA said...

Oh dear Lord Rachel. I needed this laugh tonight. I would just love to be a fly on the wall around you haha. I can only imagine the carlton dance. Hilarious.

Pam Bowers said...

One of these days we'll have to have a bloggy girls vacation so we can witness all this funny first hand!!!

Kmama said...

First of all, you are NOT fat, so I'm sure you looked perfectly WONDERFUL in your bikini bottoms.

Second, how funny!!! I can just imagine your embarrassment.

Anonymous said...

BINGO!!!!! *snort*

and I so wish I would of had a camcorder!

it was sexy though, you dance well grasshopper... LMEO!

Rachel said...

Who wants to bet that last comment is from my fraidy-cat Anonymous husband? ;)

Foursons said...

Rachel, I'm thinking that would have been the perfect opportunity to pull the deaf card. Seriously.

But, I love ya for sharing your humilation with us. There is no one else this would have happened to. :D

stephanie said...

oh sweet jesus, I just cried laughing. I love love love it

RaD said...

You have a better sense of humor than me, I wouldn't have even gotten out of the pool! Dad called it, Dad does it!

The Lady Wolf said...

Bwahaha! Wished I was there to witness it all. Your post did it perfectly! Thanks for the laughs. And by the way, I think you're beautiful, and you're in much much better shape than I am. ((hugs)). Ur burn gone by now?

Mom of M&Ms said...

This is the first time EVER that I have not been jealous of someone in a tropical location... and chads????? thought those were all in Florida..hahahahahahh

Beth Zimmerman said...

I beat ya, Rachel! Lost BOTH halves of my bikini in Acapulco Bay when I jumped off a boat. The bottoms were hooked around my ankles and the top was floating around my neck. Somewhere in the world there are pictures of me trying to recover my swimsuit, and my dignity, without drowning in Acapulco! Cause the scuba boat was filled with tourists and I was quite the photo op!

Emmy said...

Oh your dad! Trouble trouble that one is! But love that you did the Carlton! It obviously was good as everyone wanted to see it again :)

angel shrout said...

My first thought was aww Rach I would have told you that you didn't have a bingo.. then I see the dance you did and must admit I would have thrown you to the sharks too.. bwhahahah I love the Carlton dance LOVE it.

Brandi said...

Hey, Rach? BINGO!!!!! LMEO!!!

Oh. my. word. Mr. D. has pics, I just KNOW it! Don't ya, Mr. D? I WILL PAY YOU! Bwahahahaha.

So, did the smiley driver have a shot too, or was that just for y'all? HA! ;)

What an adventure!

Anonymous said...

There was a Redneck, had a gal, and BINGO was her name-o....

robin said...

Bahahahahaha!!!! I was laughing throughout your post so much that my family came in wondering what was so funny!!! I can totally picture you dancing like that too! Thanks for making my day!!!

Anonymous said...

First of all, you kinda leave it open to the interpretation of the reader that your DAD somehow CAUSED, ""YOUR"" ERROR. I think you should inform your readers,UNEQUIVOCALLY, that WAS NOT the case. Second, Your dance wasn't really ANYTHING like the little video you showed. It was much more...........UNIQUE shall we say? Reminding us all of someone we knew long ago, "TOM_Y" ring any bells??( I had tears in my eyes and woulda been rolling on the ground LMAO, except I woulda drowned)!! Definitely didn't get your rhythm from ME. LOL Was a VERY NICE and relaxing vacation, till the "Flight from H_LL" home. :-)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I am laughing so hard here! I would have DIED too! You poor woman!

Julie said...

hehe! I love you!
You know what I like best? In that picture with the people looking at you guys in the pool- Itty Bit is oblivious to it. I wish I could be more like that. :)

Katherines Corner said...

1-Thank you for sharing your holiday
2- Love the sneaky photography
3- You are brave to go to Mexico
4- Ouch for that sunburn
5-Thank you for starting my day off with a giggle,
Hugs

Kelley said...

You make me laugh! Love the hanging chads Bingo card. Ha! Also, the ever-smiling taxi dude with the huge bottle of tequila. No wonder he's so happy! (Cool handstand.)

Tiffany Bleger said...

Love it! Rock the Carlton sista! And we must plot our revenge...

TheRixonFive said...

BAHAHAHAHA . . . .I laughed until I cried! =) The tankini is a staple in my vacationing/swimming/beachgoing too. But in Florida, you see so much cellulite walking around, I'm not all too sure why I bother. Looks like fun trip!

myletterstoemily said...

ha ha ha!!!!! you tell the best stories
that big old smiles on my face.

you actually look awesome in your
'kini'!

Jess said...

Hahah! Oh, dear. You have such a way of making all my problems look so unimportant. :D

GunDiva said...

All that ballet training and the best you can do is the Carlton?

Lord, I love you Rachel.

I totally would have played the deaf card, because not only were you normal deaf, but you were deaf-deaf without your hearing aids, right? At least, I'm assuming you didn't have them on in the pool.

Krulls in Haiti said...

Oh. My. Word. I think I would have just run away. I am crying just thinking about what I would have done. But so freaking funny when it happens to someone else!!!!

NaomiG said...

Oh my goodness. Best story EVER!

I'm glad it wasn't me. I've been accused many - a - time of dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld.

Floortime Lite Mama said...

LOVED STARTING MY DAY WITH THIS POST

Ashley said...

I have spent hours reading your blog tonight and I am just laughing out loud! What a wonderfully talented writer you are! Thank you for a great laugh and I can't wait to read your blog from start to finish! :)