Wednesday, April 18, 2012

terrible. really terrible. then pretty wonderful. then gross.

 

 

I’ve been a terrible blogger.

 

Oh the stories are there waiting.  The material is fresh daily.

(I mean, seriously?… I live with a redneck.  And a kindergartener whose classmates think it’s hilarious to use OFFICIAL names for body parts. 

Help me.)

 

But lately, my blogging time gets stolen by that thing I can’t talk about.  Do you know how draining it is to deal with an adult bully?  Physically, mentally, and I-can’t-stop-crying emotionally?  Do you know what it’s like to have your husband worry more about you getting sick on the way to work every morning, than he does about his own cancer treatment?

Yeah. Suckage.

 

 

I’m just beat up by the time I sit down in front of the computer and try to find the funny.

 

iamwoman

 

 

(I totally need that on a t-shirt).

 

 

But the good stuff is still there.

 

Easter is a big deal to us.  I mean, beyond the yearlong hoarding of eggs to be blown, then decorated, then smashed on unsuspecting victims…

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Yes, that is my sister and my 81 year old grandmother.

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For shame, Ju.  I think you are officially out of the will.

 

~

 

 

I apparently was an early target.  See my name on May-May’s egg?

 

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I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad; we’re raising some political geniuses:

 

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~

 

But really, what it was all about?  Celebrating the fact that NOTHING is stronger than God.  Not death, not the economy, and not a bully.

 

Apparently I miss all the good conversations.  My mom shared that Itty Bit had listened carefully to the story of the resurrection and spoke what was on his mind.

 

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Grandma?  Why did Jesus grow up and then die?  Why didn’t he die when he was a baby?

 

Well, because he had lots of things to do.  He told people about God and he healed lots of people.  He healed blind people so they could see, and deaf people so they could hear.

 

(sad face)

 

Awww…. I wish my Mommy had been born then.

 

 

~

 

You know that funny feeling you get in your throat when you realize you haven’t screwed your kid up entirely?  Because he wishes something like that for you.  Because he talks to Jesus in his head after we go to bed.  Because he lets his mom force him to wear polka dot bowties.

 

Yeah, that one.

 

I had to swallow around it.

 

 

~

 

And then the combination of my redneck mister and my hilarious potty mouth boy rocketed us straight back to The Truman Show.

 

See. Mr. Daddy has totally set himself up for a very awkward conversation when Itty Bit reaches a certain age.

While reading a book about animals, Itty Bit suddenly looked up and asked how baby kittens were born.

And because I was considerate enough to bear my husband the SON he wanted, I naturally defaulted to the parent of the male gender.

And without missing a beat, Mr. Daddy looked straight into our child’s eyes and said, “they say ‘knock knock’.”

 

KNOCK KNOCK?

You told our child that babies are born by saying KNOCK KNOCK??!?!

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Good luck with that in about 10 more years.

 

(Oh dear Lord, we do have TEN more years, right?)

 

~

 

 

Would you believe that I felt mildly robbed?

Considering that my son now thinks it’s UNFAIR that girls get to have babies and boys don’t.

Because a miniature ninja KNOCK-KNOCKing inside of your stomach sounds fun.

 

~

 

This led to a completely random conversation that (thankfully) was not in a public restroom.

 

Mommy!  I gotta go pee!

Okay fine honey. Go.

Mommy?

Yes?

Why don’t girls have pee-pees on the outside?

Umm… They’re just different.  That’s how God made them.

 

 

Well… that’s not FAIR!

What???

That’s not fair!

Sure it is honey.  You get to pee outside on the strawberries.

You get to have babies!

Umm yeah honey.  It’s fair.  Trust me on this one.

 

 

(He thought for awhile…)

 

Mommy?

Yes honey?

But they poop the same.  So THAT’S fair.

 

 

Then he wagged his little finger in my face and smiled a smug little smile.

 

~

 

 

He left me speechless.

But that might have been kind of the point.

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18 comments:

Tamar SB said...

So sorry you're still dealing with so much stuff. I do miss your witty posts and hilarious stories! Itty Bit looks so stinking cute in his bow tie! And those stories, of they kill me he is a comedian in the making!

Furry Bottoms said...

I LOVE your grandma! She's an excellent sport! :)

I do miss your blogging, but understand you have things going on. I'm unclear on the bully thing, but bullying in any form is NOT cool. Im sorry you have to go through that.

Good to see you again, Rachel!

Anonymous said...

Is that not the cutest little boy in the cutest little bow-tie?!!!! Luv u my Angel-boy :)

Kmama said...

He is so, so funny!!

Buster just asked me the other day why girls don't have pee-pee's. I told him that we weren't born that way and that's what makes boys and girls different (but you and I know there's WAY more that makes us different, right?!?!), and he accepted that as fact. THANK GOODNESS.

Glad to see a post. hang in there!

heather said...

If you wrote a book of nothing but Itty Bit quotes, I'd read it.

Reddunappy said...

OMG what a precocious little critter!!! You had me in stitches LOL LOL
Aw kids, the comedy relief you need!

robin said...

So sorry that work is still so stressful! I loved the little quotes and stories. My eyes are still wet though from reading about Itty Bit's wish...for you. Quite the perfect kind timing...Easter. He's such a great kid! (I love your sister's smile...you can definitely see the resemblance among her, your mom and you.)

angel shrout said...

Why are you so shocked at the purity of a child's wish?? I am not.. I know God can steal heal the deafness, if that is His will. We are just gonna have to do something about how much time Itty Bit and daddy spend discussing certain things later aren't we. Or at least have you there to fix what he tries to explain.
Pray for your bully hun. I know it sounds so wrong, but trust me. In your praying for Him God will bring you such peace. Don't allow the bully to know the power his behavior weilds. Smile sweetly when he does his crap and walk away. A bully gets power by making you cry, realizing they hurt you. Hurting people hurt people, period. I miss you terribly.

Tiffany Bleger said...

Oh friend. I wish I could take away the yuck. But I can't, and so I will continue praying.

And you have no idea how happy your posts make me that I will never have to have THAT discussion with my girls.

Amy said...

Don't let that yuck take away your joy dear. Don't you dare let it!

Could I just have your sweet boy for a month or so.... because he is HILARIOUS!!! This entire post made me laugh... and laugh... and laugh....

And that my dear is something I have needed!

Always praying dear. Keep your chin up!

Brandi said...

Um... if you wait 10 years, you may end up being a grandparent. Just saying' LOLOL! ;) I see nothing wrong with 'knock, knock' though. Remember, ours thought you had to 'pray' for a baby (which, was pretty clever if I do say so myself in that it's true). So yeah, you may have 5 or 6 more years, but not 10. Sorry. Bwahahahahaha!

The thing you can't talk about? Makes me really, really mad. Bullies should... should... well, suck eggs.

And? Jen????!!!! Your GRANDMOTHER???!! Really??? Really???!!!! LMEO!!!!!!

GunDiva said...

I haven't had blown eggs to smash since my Little Lita died thirty-some years ago! I wish I'd gotten to go play with you.

Sorry about the horrible thing you can't talk about, but know I'd share my magic wand with you to fix it (you know, if I had a magic wand).

Itty Bit's a rock star, but then what do you expect with his family tree? His redneck daddy, his ornery grandma, and angelic momma...he had no choice.

Foursons said...

Oh my goodness, your sister cracks me up. That was wrong in so many ways and yet so funny all at the same time.

Brandi's right- you don't get 10 more years before THE TALK. If you wait that long you may be in a heap of trouble.

So glad there are times for you to laugh though because I know the other extreme is always right around the corner. Hang in there girly and always praying for you.

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

The egg smashing pictures are so funny.
And that Itty Bit...love him!

Floortime Lite Mama said...

I miss your posts
But I totally understand !!
Praying for you and praying for Mr Daddy
I pray that the cancer gets crushed and is gone like it never was
Loving you from here in TN darling

Beth Zimmerman said...

Oh Rachel ... You are a MUCH stronger woman than I am! I only made it through a year of hating my job before I bailed. On the upside ... my depression is under control for the first time in a couple of years (on LESS meds), my blood pressure is back down, and my daily pain level is far more tolerable. Leaving was the right decision for me! I pray that you will find peace soon too!

Julie said...

oh dear! smiling so much it hurts at that last bit! :D And the last picture is PRICELESS!!! <3

Dr. Oble said...

I am never eating your strawberries.