Wednesday, June 06, 2012

in the midst

 

 

HimDo I always look that tired?

Her:  What?  Umm… umm… not always.

 

It was the conversation that made me sad.

 

We headed to the Outback, courtesy of a birthday giftcard, and decided to celebrate the last day of food freedom before the dreaded cancer treatment prep diet.

 

Instead of the celebratory time I imagined – complete with steak and shrimp and bread and everything forbidden on the diet – he was quiet.

 

I snapped a picture.

 

“Do I always look that tired?”

 

I didn’t know what to say.

 

 

IMG_3587

 

 

Truth is, the man is tired.

 

I’ve hesitated in sharing – partly because of that ridiculous redneck code that means you must pretend you are healthy until someone hauls your unconscious self to the doctor.  And partly because it feels personal – asking you to see the fatigue as incredible fortitude for what he faces daily.

 

His cancer diagnosis came three weeks after his mom died.  An incredible one-two blow for anyone – but especially for someone who physically cared for her, and watched her get robbed by the same “c” word he faced just days later.

 

 

It was surreal in a way.  Losing her so quickly.  The changes happened so fast that it somehow felt like it wasn’t HER that we lost… it was someone who looked and seemed like another person.  And as eight months have slowly passed, the hole she left fills the house.

 

Some of the grief that got cut short with the hard distractions of Mr. Daddy’s own diagnosis, the ice storm, the multiple rounds of sickness… just quietly waited for us.

 

Watching Dad miss her is hard.

Watching my husband miss her is hard.

Missing her is hard.

 

And that incredible legacy she left… shows itself daily in the unbelievably stressful “thing we can’t talk about”.

 

I see her face in my mind - her pained and compassionate expression as she says gently, “Stay blameless.  Stay blameless.”

 

There is no escaping the collateral damage.  The worry I see in my husband’s eyes.  The years of patience in waiting for wrongs to be righted.  The way he forces himself to swallow unfair insults.  To hear him say that it is altogether more difficult than his diagnosis?  Painful.

 

Getting through these next few months will be because He is carrying us.  Don’t dare doubt – God is still doing BIG things in our lives.  He doesn’t wait for a convenient time to do amazing things.

 

 

 

And because every blog post should have something to make you snort… a little Facebook humor:

 

IMG_3175

 

 

 

Ich Liebe Dich!

31 comments:

Krulls in Haiti said...

Someone once gave me a piece of public speaking advice... make them cry, then immediately make them laugh... put them on an emotional roller coaster. Although this is written, not spoken, you succeeded. This is beautifully written. I'm so sorry this is painful. When you are on the other side of this, I can't wait to hear about all the wonderful ways in which God cared, provided, and strengthened you. I am praying for you and yours tonight. For realz.

Mr. Daddy said...

Rach, I don't have a clue as to why you chose to love me :)

But I am so thankful that you did....

As You Wish...


"Wanna share a peanut" ?

Kmama said...

I just don't know what to say. What comes to mind is "life is terribly unfair."

Praying.

Angel Shrout said...

Dagnabbit first you get me all weepy then Mr. Daddy pops up with his comment and seals the deal. First God knew what He was doing bringing ya'll together. Yes it seems storms come one on top of another and we barely surface to catch our breath before another wave comes along. Much like Peter when he walked on the water. He only sank when he listened to the whispers of the devil telling him how he was unworthy. Just when it looked like he wouldn't get up Jesus himself reached through the waves and pulled him out. Keep reaching guys, those waves are only as big as you let them seem. It won't be long before you are walking on them again with Jesus blowing raspberries at the enemy.

Stacy said...

((((Hugs all around))))

We have been praying for you through all this. To say life is unfair would be an understatement. That quote at the end is priceless...and so very true!

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

(((more hugs)))

sharon said...

I am praying for you and your family. Thanks for sharing. What a heavy load you bear right now. Thankfully, you are not bearing it alone. You and your husband inspire me and make me cry and make me laugh. I'm going to figure out how to pronounce "I love you" in German today.

Furry Bottoms said...

Ich Liebe Dich, one of the only German phrases I can remember! :)

No, your husband has not always looked that tired. He does look tired in that particular picture... but he's also lost his mustache and some weight, so he looks somewhat different. I still see strength shining from him, and know he will pull through this.

SHANA said...

You are right. Life isn't fair and sometimes it downright sucks. It seems that just when we think we can't take anymore it adds another pile on top of us. But one thing we can know is that God is with us. He is with you guys. He was with your Mom. He knows the big plan and we are just along for the ride. It is definitely a roller coaster and a scary one at that. But we have to take the chills with the thrills to learn something and come out at the end a better person. You guys have so many people holding you up in prayer so don't forget that. We love you and pray for you every single day.

Tiffany Bleger said...

Oy. I was weepy from the post, then Mr. D's comment jus pushed me over the edge. I think one of the most beautiful gifts God gives us is a spouse to walk through life with. You two are a gift to each other.

Since I can't make the hard stuff go away, I will walk through it with you. Promise.

Travis Sloat said...

I was referred over this way by Ms. Angel. Don't mind me, I'm just gonna poke around a bit, and she's assured me I'll find you to be amazing. In the meantime, if you want, you can pop over my way and see if the feeling will be mutual.

Pam Bowers said...

It breaks my heart that your family is going through this. I pray things start looking up and Mr. Daddy stomps that cancer into the ground.

I have had to snap many pictures like that of my husband. Thankfully, the goods days out number the bad. Just keep on keepin on!

Brandi said...

Tired? Yes. But also strong. And, quite honestly, somewhat pissed off. LOL. You still got the redneck tough-guy look, Mr. D.

Push forward, both of you. Sending love and prayers always. xoxo

Danielle said...

I have been on maternity leave for 3 months and just completely ignored the internet that whole time. I am back and catching up. I want you to know that my 2 year old and I still pray for you. Your strength amazes me.
Love the quote of the day!

Shepherd K said...

If you really want to confuse them, ask " Welche farbe bist diene unterhosen?"

Wir lieben uns auch.

P.s. do you realize how much of a pain it is to try any post a comment auf Deutsch with the iLeash autocorrect messing everything up?

Beth Zimmerman said...

We love you guys, Rachel! Know that you are NOT alone!

Stephanie McCall said...

you are so confusing! you always make me laugh and cry which ends up a blubbering snort eliciting odd looks from the hubs.

Presley family said...

BIG BIG HUGS my friend. You ARE always in my heart and prayers, ALWAYS!

Anonymous said...

Gus is my hero..(after Jesus & Big Giant Man of course:)

Floortime Lite Mama said...

crying here
praying for you guys

Foursons said...

Mr D's comment- be still my heart. You've got quite a guy there Rach.

Hang in there, there are a lot of people praying for all of you. God is going to do great and mighty things with these trials.

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

I've been praying for Mr. Daddy! I'm so sorry he has to go through this.

Julie said...

((HUGS))

GunDiva said...

You know you've got my elbutts and love :)

Bethany said...

Praying peace, comfort and healing over your family in all areas. I know He'll give you the strength to fight hard. I'll be praying for renewed strength for your family.

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