Thursday, June 14, 2012

they say childbirth will kill your modesty



… but I beg to differ.


Itty Bit literally while I was WALKING, with my hospital gown still securely covering all active deployment zones; and while the doctor was out of the room taking a potty break.


(Serves her right for not believing the “first time mom” who claimed the baby was right there.)



But the modesty that has to do with presenting yourself as a normal blogger who wouldn’t do something shamefully hilarious and then write about it?


Yeah… I think we can’t quite unring that bell, eh?



So dive right in with me… where you’ll feel saner with each paragraph.

WHO DOES THAT?!?, Dressed For Success edition.





The cumulative effect of weeks of sleep deprivation was impossible to deny today.


For your reading pleasure (and because I apparently have no more shame now that y’all have seen my husband in a spa robe), walk through my day with me, k?


5:04am:  Mr. Daddy wakes me up.

5:06am:  I realize that nice work pants #1 are in the dryer.  And have been for 2.5 days.

5:07am:  Pull out nice work pants #2.

5:10am:  Step into shower and nearly drown while yawning.

5:17am:  Try to wrestle my curls into semi-obedience.

5:18am:  Hair dryer diffuser flies off at 58mph and nearly beans me.

5:24am:  While smugly congratulating myself for avoiding the deadly diffuser, burn my hand on the still-hot hair dryer plug.

5:32am:  Realize that pants #2 were retired for a reason.


A reason that has to do with a certain “seam separation”


5:33am:  Trade green stripey underwear for black underwear. 

5:34am:  Grab sweater that covers my black-clad rear end.

5:35am:  I’m a ninja, I’m a ninja.  They won’t even see a gap.


(see, I told you… no shame)



fast forward



7:00am:  Consume coffee.  Imperative for sleep-deprived dummies.



7:30am:  Consume bottle of water.

7:32am:  Bladder emergency.

7:33am:  Realize that a certain carefully coordinated undergarment is INSIDE OUT.

7:37am:  Weigh critical factors in deciding whether it is worth nearly completely disrobing in a public restroom… just to feel better about carrying the secret that my underwear is now right side out.



fast forward



(what?  You thought I was going to TELL you if I did that?  Shame on you!)


8:21am:  Bladder emergency #2

9:47am:  Bladder emergency #3

11:38am:  Bladder emergency #4


(and that’s going to be my little secret, whether or not I’d already handled the situation, or whether I couldn’t stop laughing as I washed my hands)


fast forward


3:45pm:  Tell Mr. Daddy about my colossal faux pas.  He rolls his eyes.

5:30pm:  Home for dinner.

6:00pm:  Throw load into washing machine… so that I can add wet clothes to work pants #1 in the dryer to ghetto iron them.

7:20pm:  Transfer wet clothes to dryer.

7:21pm:  Fill washer with new load, add associated cleaning ingredients.

8:36pm:  Check dryer.  “Smart” sensor shut it off 20 minutes earlier while still wet.

9:42pm:  Almost dry.

10:21pm:  Remove dry clothes and beautifully wrinkle-free work pants.

10:23pm:  Realize that I never STARTED THE WASHING MACHINE, and the load I was staying up waiting for… was still original scent.

10:47pm:  Work up the nerve to actually post about intentionally wearing a pair of pants to work that had a split down the backside, and the dilemma of deciding whether it was worse to bare it all in a public restroom or risk a paramedic giggling over a new version of the clean underwear story.

12:01am:  Decide that was the longest sentence I’ve ever written.

12:02am:  Hit PUBLISH and hope I don’t have blogger’s remorse when I awake.



Oh… and for the record?  My hair still turned out like this:

angry hair


(And I would claim my super sekrit photo ninja skills for this, except that I turned to look at Itty Bit, and the lady cutting his hair actually grabbed my phone to look at the cover, and accidentally snapped this picture.  And yes, they were very confused at the hair salon when I said the appointment was for Itty Bit. Hush)



Tamar SB said...

HAHA your honesty is so amazing! You are a super awesome ninja whose skills are unlimited!

Buckeroomama said...

Okay, if it makes you feel any better, that had happened to me one time, too... and, uh, I risked having paramedics having a few snickers on my behalf.

Brandi said...

You crack me up! And WHOA! Were you giving Itty the 'you better behave or I will hurt you' reminder look? I think I can see laser beams shooting from your eyes. LOLOLOL! ;)

Kmama said...

Hey, I've admitted that I realized I had no clean socks and worn dirty socks to work, so yeah, I guess I have no modesty either! ;-)

Angel Shrout said...

Bwhahahah see I have gotten similar looks when taking my kids in and my hair is standing straight out. I have pulled the they can hold for one more wear trick too. and I don't think you did fix your undies. I think you opted to be wild and leave them as they were...

Discovery School at First Baptist Heath said...

laughter tears are literally rolling down my face... and my 10 year old is looking at me like I am crazy and wants to know why I find Ghetto ironing soooo funny!!!!

Unknown said...

Oh man! That's awesome!!! I love that there's someone else like me out there! Except I have gone the entire day, complete with bathroom breaks, without noticing the underwear dilemma.

Allenspark Lodge said...

"still original scent."

I will NEVER AGAIN be able to see that phrase on a cleaning product without thinking "Hmmm, so why bother?"



myletterstoemily said...

you are the ninja blogger, for sure!

Anonymous said...

Remember, as far as everyone else knows, we are just a normal family - DON'T BLOW OUR COVER!!! :)

Marley's Mama said...

Ghetto ironing!!! Yes! There is NO OTHER WAY it happens at our house! Thanks for the laughs today!

Anonymous said...

Ghetto ironing nearly made me laugh as hard as the "whore bath" comment a high school friend put on her Facebook after the water line broke at her house. Hahahaaa.. BOTH of those phrases are absolutely perfect. You are my hero... you make it work no matter what!

GunDiva said...

I've so had those days...once taught a class with my scrubs inside out...and blogged about it.

I only ghetto iron. Well, except for tomorrow, when I have to iron my regalia for graduation. But other than that, no ironing for me!

Unknown said...

Look, my bladder is still a wreck from when I birthed my child (she did not fall out like Itty Bit) so posts like these where there is uncontrollable laughter leads to other uncontrollable things!!!

Bethany said...

Oh, my heavens! I love it! Hope you don't have blogger's remorse. Laughter is good for the soul.

Floortime Lite Mama said...

you are a doll !!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Lexie Loo, Lily, Liam & Dylan Too said...

Haha! You're awesome, girl!

Kameron said...

I love that you are always willing to sacrifice yourself for a laugh! :)

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