Monday, November 05, 2012

rough

 

 

I don’t even know how to title this post.

Losing Mom last year, my husband being diagnosed three weeks later… we’ve been in the middle of another completely different storm that has rocked nearly every area of our lives.

 

That “thing I can’t talk about”.

 

It sucks to the eleventieth degree to be unable to write, to vent, to share.  And the circumstances are such that it is intentionally isolating. 

Except… when you take the written word away from a deaf person, you rob them of more than just convenience.

 

So in the most carefully ambiguous way I can word it; I’m hurting.

 

I came home tonight to a sheaf of mistruths, half truths, outright lies.  The goal is “winning”.  Most people would have seen long ago that the truth was not what anyone wanted to know.  Na├»ve.

 

 

When this is all over, people will walk away.  Return to their lives.

 

But I’m changed.  Damaged.

 

And they hardly care.

 

This story has struck at the heart of what makes me, me.  Which has never been a victim.  But even I have been utterly in awe at the enormous resources expended to intimidate.

I see why people give up.

 

I don’t want to be another casualty.  I’m standing in the shadow of a modern day Goliath and trying to forget how much anti-nausea medication it takes to keep standing.

 

Even writing it sounds melodramatic.  But when this is over, it won’t.  When I have my words back and can share what they don’t want to see in print…

 

Right is worth it.

 

Right is worth it.

 

~

 

Choosing.

 

To look for something deeper than happiness that depends on circumstances.

And so profoundly grateful that I am not alone.

 

The one who is willing to shoulder every hurt and uncertainty:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.

Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.

For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

Isaiah 41:10-13

 

Right is worth it.

 

 

.

18 comments:

GunDiva said...

Right is worth it and you are right.

You are going to help so many other people with your crusade to make things right.

I'm sorry you're hurting and I wish I could take that from you.

Anonymous said...

Even though the rest of us don't actually live it,(This thing you can't talk about), or truly know what it's like to live in and through what you're dealing with, some of us that have a hint of what's actually happening can appreciate and applaud you for your stick-to-it-iveness.
"Injustice"--an act/action/actions that inflicts undeserved hurt--UNfairness--WRONG." Just a few definitions of the "word", needs to be challenged and fought. There are several levels of injustice. Effects of truly serious injustice, burn to the core of a moral persons'being, and not many would be willing, or able to stand against it. Thank GOD some do and hopefully all that read this will pray for your strength and eventual victory over Injustice.

Pam Bowers said...

I can't even begin to know what is going on but I can see it is big and has a huge impact on your life. My prayers for your family are constant. Keep your head up and your eyes straight ahead. I pray that justice is served. {HUGS}

MrsMann said...

Amen girl! Right IS worth it! And I can only imagine the rainbow waiting for you after this stormy season in your life! Stay strong... you are surrounded by love, prayers and virtual hugs.

Foursons said...

Praying that those who get to make the ultimate decision hear the lies for what they are.

Furry Bottoms said...

If God brought you to it, he will bring you through it. I am so sorry you're hurting. You've had enough already.

I understand when words cannot be there for you... it's so hard. Know that we are here for you whether we know what it is or not. The point is you're hurting and that pains us.

Aunt Crazy said...

Sadly, sometimes those in the wrong get away with it, but I stand by what I said last night on fb, hole your head up and be proud of the person you are every night when you go to sleep.

Fire Wife Katie said...

Sending hugs your way!! Love that scripture, it is one of my favorites. Fear not!

Kandi said...

I love the verses you posted. They have helped me thru so much. I am still praying for you. hugs!

Tiffany Bleger said...

Someday Itty Bit will be facing a struggle of his own. He will be able to remember this time and say, "Mom faced that. I can face this."

This is no longer just your fight. Where two or more are gathered (even electronically), He is in their midst.

Discovery School at First Baptist Heath said...

You know I pray for this "Thing that you can not talk about".... and I know that Right ALWAYS wind, and God is ALWAYS Good and that he will bring you through this. and you may not be able to talk about it, but you can pray and He always listens.....and the horses will also listen and not repeat a thing to anyone, I promise....

Bethany said...

Praying for you, friend. I echo Julie's prayer for discerning hearts and minds that will separate truth from lies. Hugs.

Kmama said...

I'm sorry this has been such a long and painful road. Is the end in sight?? Hugs, my friend.

Stacy said...

((((HUGS)))) Rachel. This is such a tough patch for you to get through, but keep fighting, girl. You need to teach them a lesson and they need to learn it well. Still praying that it will turn out the RIGHT way for you.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...
John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Psalm 71:19-21
19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
You who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like You?
20 Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
You will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
You will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.
Luv u :)

robin said...

I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish you didn't feel so alone and that you were able to talk about 'it' so that we could take some sadness off of your shoulders. I'm not aware of any of it but I kinda know you and what you stand for. I'm sure you're doing the right thing and even though you feel like it's beating you down right now, hang in there! If you don't help fix it, nobody else will and it'll continue. You're incredibly strong, dedicated, loyal, caring, intelligent, fair, and will stand up for justice. You're trying. I hope you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. *hug*

Beth Zimmerman said...

I love you, Rachel! You're so right! Right is worth it! God has been whispering a similar message in my tired soul lately. When I want to dissolve into a puddle, crawl into bed and refuse to get up, lay down and die ... I have a plan for you, my precious child! A plan to prosper and not to harm you! A plan to give you ... a future ... and a hope!

And I too pray that someday ... He gives me back my words!

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Sending prayers your way.