Tuesday, January 01, 2013

vs. fear

 

 

It’s been a month.

 

The stats don’t lie.

I wrote 168 posts the year before.

And I only managed to hit publish 71 times in 2012.

 

A graph chart of that would look pretty pathetic.  And it would closely mirror any type of calculation of peace in the circumstances of my life.

The plague of “that thing I can’t talk about” that touches every area of our lives… it instilled a fear of writing about even anything at all.

 

A government entity demanding your entire online profile will do that.

 

Ironically, because I spoke up.

 

~

 

So 2013?  Is not going to be about resolutions.

It’s going to be about not living in fear.

 

IMG_5662

 

 

And if I needed to worry that my completely amazing readers would be joined by unfriendlies looking to dig up dirt here… then I’d rather address them head-on:

I write.

About my life.

About my family.

About my friends.

About my faith in Someone who makes it all worth it.

There is plenty of dirt in my life.  It’s not hidden.  It’s in painfully honest words all over my blog.  I am insecure, burn dinner often, have 20 pounds to lose, am graying faster than I can dye, and I am.so.tired.

Instead of fixing the situation like we trust authorities to, “damage control” has been to undermine the words and experiences of an overwhelming majority of those who have witnessed my story.

In refusing to live in fear, this is as clearly as I can put it to you:

The best risk mitigation is to ensure that this never ever happens again.

 

 

(p.s… those aforementioned amazing readers and friends will be happy to share their thoughts once information reaches public domain.  I hereby give fair warning of squirrels and elbutts and people who have their own pens and readerships and inability to ignore wrongs).

 

~

Thank you for sticking with us through a difficult 2012.

 

And for a real part of the writing I miss?  It took weeks to filter and process.  And I still feel pieces of Newtown every day.

That Friday, I was at work when the news rolled in.  And each wave brought more horrifying details.  I felt the overwhelming need to drive to Itty Bit’s school and just hold my not-so-itty boy.

 

When I arrived, he spotted me from across the gym and ran full force with a scream that lasted the entire way.

MOMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

He’s done this as long as he’s been uprightly mobile.  Open mouth scream-smiling as he races into a jump-hug with wild arms that swing to find eachother and squeeze the oxygen from me.  At two years old it was devastatingly charming.

IMG_2384

 

 

And at six years old, it was painfully healing to my grieving heart.

 

It was a wordless gratitude that the sweet first-grader in my arms… his mind had not been touched by the unspeakable horror of the day.

As I stood there surrounded by a room of running jumping laughing arguing skipping noisy children, a staff member approached me.

 

“I wish all kids were that happy to see their parents”.

 

I nodded, unable to speak as the tears spilled and I squeezed the boy whose sneakers now dangled almost to my ankles.

The nearby shooting and Itty Bit’s school lockdown several months ago were fresh in my mind.  He’d walked away unharmed.  And in that incredibly busily normal gym full of crazy kids… I hugged and hugged my son and ached for the parents who were being utterly broken.

 

I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to be more intentional.  Grateful.  And I have 216 Lego injuries to prove it.  Life is so incredibly short – and each of you readers have been a huge part of the good in mine.

 

2013 is going to be good.  Awesomesauce even. 

 

IMG_5682

 

~

What does your 2013 hold?

26 comments:

Bethany said...

God bless you, Rachel. And I mean that with all my heart. Praying he will pour grace and peace and health into your year. That Itty Bits joy will be untarnished and your and Mr. D's love will continue to grow. Whatever that "thing you can't talk about it" is God knows and will direct my prayers. Praying for firm footing and covering with his wings. Lots and lots of love, elbutts and squirrels for you all!

Angelwithatwist said...

OK first don't freak I am not some newbie. G+ was not allowing anyone to respond to my comments by emailing me... sooo I had to make a secondary account specifically for my blog friends. Ya know like you and Mr. Daddy and Itty Bit. So it's me.. Angel Shrout.. except I couldn't use that name because , well I already use it on Google.
I cannot wait until you get justice for the thing you cannot talk about. In that light did you know several states have made it ILLEGAL for jobs or potential employers to use your public profiles such as Facebook or to ask for you Password to such sites. Yeah I think that is only fair, unless the people we apply to work for want to give us theirs.. Just sayin'. You are gonna ROCK 2013 and I so hope you get back to writing again. I miss your face, and the laughs you bring me..

Allenspark Lodge said...

I have erased this comment 3 times now.

I guess all I can say is

You and yours are loved.

Bill

GunDiva said...

What Bill said.

MrsMann said...

Tons of love, hugs & prayers for a fantastic happy memory filled year for you, Mr, Daddy & your precious treasure. Remember... the rain may last through the night... but his joy comes in the morning! Keep on keeping on!

Krulls in Haiti said...

Hoping this madness ends soon!!! I pray for strength and stamina, the kind that can only come from our God!

Kmama said...

I really, really hope that 2013 is a better year for you all!!

Furry Bottoms said...

Just thinking... you know, I had a situation at an old job that "I can't EVER talk about!" for legal reasons. Simply because I spoke up. Sounds similar to what you went through? That was very very hard and overwhelming for me, especially since I was a deafie in such a hearing environment. I hadn't started blogging yet then, so thank goodness for small miracles. And there is another deafie around here who is on the verge of going through that. Because she is speaking up, and it is so hard because you cannot counsel her regarding it... since its a "thing I can't talk about!" SO so so so unfair. It really makes me wonder about the "deaf" aspect. If we get punished harsher or if it just feels that way to us personally.

Aunt Crazy said...

Here's hoping that 2013 brings you peace and comfort in knowing that you are loved by not only those you see and feel every day but those of us that are just out of arm's reach.

I'm trying to find a way to deal with working for a full fledged bully. The easy way is for me to find a new job and move one. The hard way is for me to speak up and hope for change. I know the fate of the last person to speak up and I don't want to face that fate, so I'm feeling that walking away is what I have to do to protect my own sanity and the career I've worked for 13 years to build. Even though I feel in my heart that it's not fair for the one with the incorrect behavior to be allowed to continue those behaviors, I know in my mind, I can't change this person or the behaviors, I can only change me.

Beth Zimmerman said...

We love you right back, Rachel! Praying for a year of restoration here ... on all sorts of plains!

Thanks for being there for me ... even in the midst of your own trials! Christmas was livable because I was loved and prayed over!

melissa said...

Blessings to you in 2013 Rach, I have missed you. Although I don't comment all the time, I do keep up. I love your spirit, I love your humor, and well...I love you! Your a blessing to so many Rachel, you get it, and you sorta Rock at this thing called Life.. Now, hopefully in the new year, words will be there for you to share it. Your Awesomesauce!

NorthernArkie said...

I know and understand the feeling. 2013 is going to be a year without fear and with results.

Love you, stay strong.

Floortime Lite Mama said...

my love
as always when i read your posts I smile and I tear up too !!

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

I wish you and your family the best in 2013! May this be a happy, healthy year for you all!

Emmy said...

I hope 2013 is a much better year for you. And sending hugs and prayers your way.

rachel said...

2013 is going to rock. Starting with the sonics coming back to Seattle! ; )

Foursons said...

I haven't said a word on any social media about the elementary school shooting because it just absolutely devastated me. I was working in a kindergarten room when the story broke and we were following the story on our phones. It was and still is horrific and I just have so many emotions about it.

Nolan no longer runs and jumps into my arms but when I work in his school and he sees me I always get a huge smile and all encompassing arm wave or he sneaks in a hug really quickly. It fills me with all kinds of joy and love every single time.

2013- you are going to ROCK it girl. This is YOUR year.

Liz {Learning To Juggle} said...

2013 will be your year. You and Mr Daddy and Itty Bit are three amazing tough people, and while I've never had the pleasure of meeting you in person, I am thrilled to call you my friend. (even though I am not a very present friend). I am praying that this is the year many things can be put behind you!!

2013 is going to be your year!!

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