Sunday, April 14, 2013

Shopping with children: first-grader style

 

Somehow… I thought this shopping with offspring thing would get EASIER once we made it out of the toddler years.

 

You know… the one where my leashed kiddo wiped out an entire Baby Gap mannequin display.  Or where he broke a cheapo candle holder at Target.  And the resulting me almost dying of blood loss in the dollar section, and an employee nearly passing out.

 

Or when even my husband got in on the action and kicked a soccer ball into my face?  Then totally ninja-photo’d me?

ouch

 

Or the proud parenting moment when the poor kiddo puked into his hands at Macy’s.  Well, that one kind of wasn’t his fault…

 

Or when he mooned me?  In the store?  Help me.

 

Or the one that started it all?  The infamous “craft paint lids are not childproof” (otherwise known as “Carnage at Michael’s”).

 

Or hey… remember this one more recently when durnitall, there was a woman in there?

dressing room 1

 

(Sorry for the link overload… even just reading those has me all traumatized again).

 

 

Let’s just say that now that the kid can read, and now that he realizes that not everyone is (ahem) normal… Walmart has been “interesting”.

 

It was tough enough getting him to stop staring at the employee who was going for a slightly windblown look:

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I hope I never outgrow the guts to try to look like Vanilla Ice after my hair goes gray.  The mullet was just bonus.

 

And by the way, a word to my fellow photo ninjas:

 

you WILL get caught.

 

This guy totally busted me taking his picture.  Just pretend you’re texting.  Smile and wave boys, smile and wave (50,000 OnceUponAmiracle points for which movie that’s from).

 

Then came the dude who wore this glorious coral ensemble without shame.  It was pure awesomesauce.

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I had to turn Itty Bit away from these creeptastic blind chocolate bunnies.  Who does that?

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And my favorite, spending 20 minutes in line because Walmart abides by that jacked up policy of only two checkouts open at any time, regardless of a holiday crowd.

 

But extra time in line leaves more time to enjoy these little beauties:

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Somehow, I can’t imagine this is better than bacon off the griddle?

 

Oh, and this assortment of chapsticks…

impressive that every single box was empty.  Walmart shoppers must have exceptionally kissable lips.

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But where Itty Bit made his entrance into this shopping story was at the mini-Subway inside Walmart.  Where he excitedly told me he wanted to join the Subway Club.

 

And then got mad at me when I laughed and laughed.

 

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(he thought it “cost” 310 calories to join the CLUB).

 

~

 

As further proof that shopping with kids does NOT get easier…

 

…at an antique swapmeet full of AWESOME stuff, the kiddo begged (and ultimately sweet-talked Grandma) for a classic eggbeater.

 

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(Cute, except he HAS two of them at home already.  HOARDER)

 

It was fine that everyone oohed and ahhed over him at the swapmeet.

 

But Daddy wasn’t keen about being followed around Home Depot with the constant whirring behind him and the attention it attracted.

 

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Holla pained picturetaking expression!

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Holla Double Eyebrows!

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And Holla!  Helpful Home Depot lady who thinks you’re adorable!

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Tell me… are his shoes on the wrong feet?  I can’t tell?

 

~

 

Weird expressions in stores are trending…

 

What are you doing, Boogie?

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Seriously?  What are you doing?IMG_3282

 

Ohhh.

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(for the record, he BEGGED to buy that sign.  THAT was a fun public fit).

 

~

 

For those who might accuse me of being a helicopter parent… not having eyeballs on this kid is cause for panic.  A deaf mom has nothing to rely on except instinct if she loses sight of a mischievous boy!

 

 

~

 

I didn’t get a picture of his sheer terror after seeing this freaky thing at TJ Maxx.  Even creepier?  They had several different versions of headless robed guys.  These things were like 4 feet tall, guys!

 

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MIND BLEACH.

 

~

 

And for where Itty Bit gets his public antics?

Look.no.further.

 

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~

 

I’d ask when they outgrow it, but I think I answered my own question.

 

What are your shopping-with-kids adventures?

 

(and no worries about all those links to the individual stories… you can find them all here in the Shopping With Kids series.  Traumatic enough to earn its own tag… you’ll feel so normal!)

 

.

12 comments:

Beth Zimmerman said...

But you have so much fun! =)

Krulls in Haiti said...

I love that he carried the beater through home depot... makes my son carrying a spatula through Target seem semi-normal! He is so cute!!

Tamar SB said...

I am choking on my breakfast laughing so hard!!!

sara said...

seriously, I am not sure anyone's stories could top yours!!! :)

Angelwithatwist said...

Hey I am a hearing mom and I panic when mine disappear. yeah me going shopping with you is looking less likely I panic enough tyvm lol.

renee said...

these are "you wouldn't believe it unless you were there" stories. thanks for documenting! ;) hahaha! i love your life!

Kmama said...

It's a wonder you even try shopping with him. ;-)

What is with all the empty chapstick boxes??

Allenspark Lodge said...

I'm not even going down this road! Multiply your charge by four - and even WITH my hearing - there is no way you can go four directions at one time! Fortunately for both them and me, they are all grown (?) now; and I get to hear about their misadventures. I'm sure Grandma P. is rolling in the aisles!!!
Juanita

sharon said...

Has anyone named the movie yet? I think it's Madagascar. The penguins.

Emmy said...

What is with that headless robed guy! Seriously who would hang that in their house??

i want an old fashioned egg beater now!

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

Always an adventure with that one!!!

Jeremiah 31:3 said...

I STILL luv eggbeaters - he should try it with bubblebath in the tub!