Sunday, April 28, 2013

the universe listened to the wrong lady

 

I needed a nice weekend to recover from a dumptruck of bad news.

Instead, Brandi from My Four Bubs bemoaned on Facebook how I wasn’t posting any crazy statuses (statusi?) lately.

 

And the universe listened to HER.

Universe, you buttshinksy traitor, you.

 

Of course, it was a blatant invitation for something remarkably stupid to happen to me.  And if you never hear it elsewhere, you know you can always get the truth here:

CLEANING CAN AND DOES CAUSE INJURY!

IT IS HARMFUL!

AND SOMETIMES REALLY, REALLY GROSS!

 

 

I was on my own for the day with Mr. Daddy helping someone move.  I plunked the kiddo into the bath where he played with approximately 119 small plastic toys and I examined the weird rust marks on the floor.

(requisite bath baby picture from ages past)

IMG_2302

 

So I did what any good person at home on a Saturday does… I busted out the Clorox wipes and went to work on those dumb marks.

City Chick education here: this thingy is a toilet water supply line:

supply-line

 

Do not touch them.

They are seriously ticked off beings.

 

GIFSoup

 

 

See, I bumped (literally BUMPED) it while scrubbing.

 

And suddenly my kid was screaming, I was screaming, and the Pacific Ocean dropped three feet and freaked Al Gore out.

 

Seriously, y’all.  You think what flows through that tiny little ticked off tube is this?

 

IMG_0608

 

No dude. 

 

It’s this:

 

 


GIFSoup

 

 

It’s Old Faithful… right in your face.

 

That was me.  SCREAMING as the frigid blast of Niagara Falls pummeled my tonsils with the force of 2000 dental rinse sticks.

drinking-from-garden-hose

 

 

I shook my head desperately to breathe while my glasses were slammed against my eyeballs and making a dent in my brain matter. 

 

Through eyes that were swimming upstream the last Splash Mountain drop, I realized the geyser was coming from the FLOOR.

 

I grabbed that stupid angry tube and tried frantically to reconnect it.

 

Over

 

and

 

over

 

again.

 

 

Then I realized the metal had been sheared clean off.

 

(I’m talented like that).

 

I am soaked from my gray hairs to my socks with mascara escaping in huge rings under the deluge.  Itty Bit is cowering at the far side of the tub screaming.

 

And as much as I am totally wholly utterly completely disgusted that something even remotely touching the toilet is spraying in my face…

 

I.cannot.force.my.lungs.to.stop.screaming.

(Instinct, y’all, instinct.  As long as air is being forced OUT of my lungs, I can’t drown, right?)

 

 

As the water level on the floor begins to approach two inches (not.even.kidding), I finally do the only smart thing all morning: I find the shut-off valve through waterlogged eyeballs and desperately turn it.

.

.

.

.

 

 

baptism2

This picture, as completely awful as it is… does not do it justice.  My hair was dripping, my pants were sloshing, my shirt was soaked through.  Every ounce of makeup pressure-washer blasted off my face.  I was actually surprised to see my glasses survive the dam break.

(Love that a friend commented how I am game to post the worst pictures of myself on social media… keeping it real folks, keeping it real.)

 

When the spray suddenly stopped, Itty Bit and I looked at each other silently.  Until both of us were able to stop breathing hard.

 

 

Key fact:  Itty Bit does not like water on his face.

Hate may not be a strong enough term.

IMG_4592

 

He looked at me, with the most serious confused expression and said,

WHAT WAS THAT??

 

I exhaled and dripped another 14 gallons of water from my hair.

“I don’t know Boogie, I don’t know”.

 

He looked at me in shock, then in measured tones (because my apparent stupidity was so obvious)

“Why did you do THAT?”

 

Oh Boogie.  I don’t know, I just don’t know.

.

.

 

(but really, I do.  Because the universe wanted me to, honey.)

.

 

.

19 comments:

Angelwithatwist said...

Darlin how do you manage to get yourself into such pickles?? Why oh WHY does Mr. Daddy leave you alone to your own devices?? Just an FYI that water was clean it hadn't gone INTO the toilet yet and it goes to the top not the actual bowl.. so worry not. SMH I just ... yeah.. I got nothing..

sara said...

oh my word, I can ALWAYS get a laugh on Monday's from you...oh and thank you Universe!!!

robin said...

LMAO!!!!!!!!! Note to self: Don't clean weird marks off the floor anymore, let Mr. Daddy do it! Glad you found the shut-off valve! (I learned the hard way too a long time ago.)

Allenspark Lodge said...

Good. This time you found the toilet water turn off valve. Excellent. Now, did the doorknob work for you?
;)

Bill

Furry Bottoms said...

Good thing I wasn't there... or I would have caused a giggle fest.

Dyannie said...

Don't worry--it could have been worse. You see, if I was there, I would have been laughing at you for the next hour. (Of course, I also would've shut of the valve for you, but only after helping you to laugh & see that it's absolutely hysterical.)

The Lady Wolf said...

Yeah, I think something higher up prompted you to do that so you'll be able to repair it in time. ........ Think about it.... If you haven't done that, and it popped while you guys were gone all weekend or on vacation..... The damages would have been worse! Someone was watching over you guys!

Brandi said...

Hmmm... the universe listens to me?? Uh oh, Mr. D is in trouble. ;) Best.mugshot.ever. :D I think we should all make 'mugshots' and use them as profile pics!

sharon said...

That was awesome. Thanks for sharing.

Danielle said...

ROFL. I needed that today.
You poor thing. The universe is strangely meaner to you than the rest of the population!

Floortime Lite Mama said...

OMG I love it
too funny
has anyone told you how pretty u r
( eyes wet from rain - like Mr Darcy says )
and how much the little one looks like u

Anonymous said...

Just to set the record straight - Itty-bit did tell the whole story in detail TWICE at church - but made it VERY clear this was CLEAN water from the pipe and NOT from the toilet!..he takes care of his Mama :)

P.S. I like Brandi's idea about the mugshot pic's :)

Tiffany Bleger said...

Oh we needed a good laugh tonight!! Thank you so much for writing this! Giggles abound!

melissa said...

Rach...it's a good thing I went potty before reading this!

I CAN"T STOP LAUGHING!!!!

again....

thanks for your humor!

love you!

Julie said...

:D

Angie Vik said...

I'm reading this on my ipad in bed and after I snickered for the tenth time, my husband asked what I was doing. I told him I was reading a funny story. Thanks for a good laugh.

Angie Vik said...

I'm reading this on my ipad in bed and after I snickered for the tenth time, my husband asked what I was doing. I told him I was reading a funny story. Thanks for a good laugh.

Emmy said...

Lol! It is all Brandi's fault! Oh holy cow girl I can't even imagine-- well actually I kind of can as you describe it so well! That would have been crazy

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

Oh, girl! I can always count on you for a laugh!!!