In case you’re unprepared for the inevitable changes in your health care plan… I’d like to ensure that you still have full coverage when it comes to family planning.
Introducing: Dr. Boog
He is super-duper excited to help you with your family planning needs and is really awesome at giving hugs when you need them. Don’t worry, he’ll get you through this!
As part of the very first consultation, you’ll be given a detailed explanation of risks, as well as a bonus demonstration.
For your convenience, the explanation of risks contains an actual real-life scenario as described below:
Dr. Boog’s poor mother was laying beside him during evening prayers. She had just finished thanking God for all the fun things that they’d done that day, when she felt a strange shaking of the bed.
She opened her eyes to see Dr. Boog with both hands plastered across his mouth, shaking in hysterical silent laughter.
Slightly annoyed that bedtime prayers were interrupted by something that didn’t appear urgent, she shot Dr. Boog a stern look and asked him what was so funny that it couldn’t wait until AMEN?
Dr. Boog’s hands flew off his mouth and he sucked in a breath before explaining the emergency with barely suppressed glee.
“Momma, you were praying…
I had an eye booger.
So I picked it off…
I flicked it in your mouth while you were praying.”
(cue Mommy frantically wiping off her tongue and gagging into the bathroom sink)
“Well, I THINK it was an eye booger.
I wiped out off right here from my eye.
See where, Mommy? See?”
(Cue more frantic gargling with Clorox).
But why Boog? WHY?
“I don’t know”
And if that doesn’t serve as the most effective birth control ever (because let’s face it, the kid is CUTE), Dr. Boog will kindly share Phase 2 (kids throwing up in public places), Phase 3 (kids using urine as a deadly weapon), and Phase 4 (flatulence dialogue in public).
If none of these are successful, an intervention with our resident specialist; Nutella Boy may be required.
And for exceptionally stubborn cases, Dr. Boog will refer you to an intensive program titled, “Shopping With Kids”.
These are all completely complimentary to you, regardless of what kind of coverage Obamacare affords you. Consider it a gift from him to you, minus an eye booger.