Tuesday, October 29, 2013

slipping and sliding

 

My kid... funniest ever.

 

Got invited to a rollerskating party and is worried.

 

"Momma, I don't skate good."

 


and then… he let me peek into his amazing little 7-year old mind as he thought aloud...

 


"...but I slide around on my feet on our kitchen floor really good. So I'd be really good at skating on my feet.

 

Can I just use my feet, Momma?"

 

Christmas5 IMG_9300

 

 

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Sunday, October 27, 2013

Second Grade Confessions

 

So, last year the first grade parents got a “classroom wish list” that included some household items that could be used for art projects.

 

And as soon as my eyes fell on the words: “empty toilet paper rolls”, my OCD-hate-to-waste-anything self gave the teacher a mental high-five.

 

I was totally diligent in collecting those cardboard thingies, to the point of sighing in grief each time I’d noticed one of the menfolk in the household had tossed one into the garbage.

 

I collected them like that rich girl in third grade collected Cabbage Patch Kids.

 

 

And then… one I day I realized that June had snuck up on me and unkindly left me with an entire bag of carefully peeled cardboard tubes (because really, how embarrassing would it be for Boog to show up to class with art supplies with spots of toilet paper still stuck to them?  I might have a Target bag full of these stashed in the Christmas present hiding spot, but I still have standards!)

 

rolls IMG_9568

 

I couldn’t just throw them away.

 

And y’know… if I was a REAL mom, I’d somehow fashion an amazing Pinterest treehouse with a chandelier out of all these former sanitary product holders.

 

But I am totally not.

 

(I cannot tell you how badly Pinterest mocks me).

 

In homage to how awesomesauce Boog’s second grade teacher is… I confided in her about my dilemma.

 

And guess what… if SHE can’t use them for the second-graders… an anonymous package of sparkling bare Charmin’ rolls are going to be delivered to the first grade teacher’s door.

(so the kids get the art supplies, and I am absolved of Pinterest guilt!)

 

WIN!

 

 

Pinterest

 

Do you have a Pinterest Fail story to make me feel better?

 

 

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Sunday, October 20, 2013

Shatner!

 

 

So I saw this online:

 

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and I thought, AWESOME! I can totally do this!

 

And then promptly forgot about it.

 

 

Until today.  When all three of us were squeezed onto the couch watching random Sunday afternoon family fare (read: the alpha male had the remote control and refused to turn it to HGTV).

An actor did a terrific job of overreacting to something and I suddenly remembered to yell.

 

SHATNER!

 

My husband promptly hit me.

 

What?  Why did you hit me?  You’re not supposed to HIT people?!?

 

You told me to.

 

What?  No I didn’t!

 

Yes you did.

 

No I didn't.

 

Yes you did.

 

(we’re very mature)

 

No I didn’t!

 

Yes you did.  You yelled, “SMACK ME!”

 

 

I looked at him.

He looked at me.

I rubbed my arm where he “Shatnered” me.

 

 

Now who’s the deaf one?

 

 

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Monday, October 14, 2013

House Hunting – ridiculousness

 

 

Y’know… I just expect it now.

We’ve been house hunting for the last seven years – somewhat hampered by that “thing I can almost talk about” as it drained our house savings fund.  After so long, it’s not like I really should be surprised when crazy stuff happens nearly every time we dare to peek at a listing.

 

Remember one of the early stories… where my beloved realtor was showing us a house, and walked in on a man doing his smelly business?

 

Or when I locked myself in a bathroom?


Or when we drove into what Mr. Daddy swore was a meth compound for sale and came upon two sunbathers sans clothes?

 

Oh, and this one proving that our realtor really IS intrepid.  I totally shamed her into holding this praying mantis that we found at one of the houses.  Isn’t she’ pretty much awesome?

 

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Our latest was a house that was shot down by Boog being creeped out by the door knocker.

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I realized a while ago that people sometimes put the weirdest stuff on and in their houses.  And those things probably lose a bit in translation when they photograph them for listings.  Here are a few of my favorites:

 

First in the bathroom series: whotheheckhasbidetsinNorthAmerica?

 

This is one of those layouts that requires you to lock the door every time, or risk getting your knees bloodied each time your kid slams the door open and runs in to beg to play at the neighbor’s house.  Breathlessly.  With that very same 6-year old neighbor boy standing right next to him.  Staring at you awkwardly.

Not like that’s happened or anything.

 

bidet

 

 

~

Personally, I think this dude is brilliant. 

A fax machine in the bathroom.

 

I should do that.  Get a fax machine.  So my kid can communicate with me without bringing the neighbor kid in the bathroom.

fax in bathroom

 

~

And this… I mean, what better way to talk yourself into an eating disorder than to line the entrance to your shower with mirrors that you cannot escape?  Not to mention, the slight paranoia of having a skylight directly over your showering self?

 

Must have excellent self esteem to purchase this house.

 

And now for some photobombing critters:

 

I understand why properties with barns and pasture would show an idyllic scene of horses grazing in a field.

But a goat in your yard?  Okaaay.

goat

 

 

And who doesn’t love a cat butt photobomb?

cat butt

 

~

Bizarrely, this one was included as a full-size photo on a house listing.  Apparently she’s free with a full-price offer?

 

(Thanks to Rachel from and then, she {snapped} for the heads up on this one!)

home for sale

 

~

And for what I can only call, “Why Did You Put That THERE?”

The random gate to nowhere:

 

random gate

 

A gorgeous kitchen.  Who doesn’t need a large trophy and a teddy bear to complete it?

trophy

 

 

The best spot for the oversized tv… right in front of the closet:

tv closet

 

 

And one of my personal favorites: the microwave inside an old heater.  Because walking to the kitchen for some popcorn is just too much.

microwave

 

So… what are your house hunting stories?  Or house SELLING tales?

 

 

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Monday, October 07, 2013

so remember that evil toilet?

 

 

The one that had a tube thingy come loose and managed to firehose fourteen layers of skin off my face?

 

IMG_7224 (2)

(Aren’t you glad for friends like me who post hideous pictures of themselves so you can feel better?  How come I don’t have one of those friends?)

 

 

It was time for that toilet to say goodbye.  I may still yet use it for target practice just to enjoy some revenge.  (And now that I’ve said that, I’ve guaranteed y’all some video footage courtesy of Mr. Daddy).

 

After visiting Home Depot, I realized just why there seems to be additional employees around whenever we show up.

 

It’s usually pretty harmless, like the egg beater visit.

 

IMG_3294

 

They’re not really a fan of the Panicked Mommy routine:

 

 

And as we walked through the store yesterday, I just had to grin at the way my boys roll.

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Because Lord knows, at least we weren’t making THIS kind of ruckus:

 

 

Well, this time. Tell me we aren't the only stare-worthy ones in stores...