Tuesday, December 24, 2013

our annual random Christmas gift list

 

because it’s not truly almost the end of the year unless you’ve stumbled across these things that your life would not be complete without.

 

(and it’s not really about Christmas… because we all know that’s not about the presents, right?)

In all fairness… some of these items are really cool, but have just had some really wacky treatment at the hands of whoever decided how to advertise them.

 

Let’s start off with some custom giftwrap.

giftwrap

 

Seriously.  You can pick ANY picture to make into giftwrap.  And a triptych of a woman wearing a goat mask screams OPEN ME?

(Frankly, I’d be praying over that stack and opening very carefully.)

 

Oh!  And who doesn’t need some giant warrior in their beautiful kitchen?

warrior

You would catch me screaming every.single.morning.  Methinks it would end up with a few pieces of ammo in it in short order.

 

Another way to freak yourself out every single morning… giant birds watching you shower:

birds

 

 

And this rug… sure to destroy the sanity of all us OCD folk:

rug

 

Our first advertising fails – courtesy of some VERY confident males:

let go

 

flowers

 

leaves

 

I love how this last one is advertised as an “ivy print bomber jacket”.  Any pilot wearing that is going to get laughed out of the military.

Oh, and how the guy actually looks like a bored version of Chip.  I don’t blame them for needing to resort to an android model for this.

chip

 

 

Moving on to something I actually really, really love:

whales

 

(Can you hear that?  It’s Mr. Daddy rolling his eyes painfully loudly).

 

Now for the bodily functions segment:

The “Immense Intestine Plush” – your life is now complete!

I don’t want to know what that little tag on the left is, and I don’t want to talk about that part on the bottom.  Oh Lord… a really bad pun.

immense intestine plush

 

Aaaand… for your child learning their alphabet.  What on earth starts with an “N” and looks like a giant happy pile of…???

poo

 

This one falls into the “for reals?” category.  It’s art made with a partner.  And that’s all I’m going to say about that. 

love is art

 

To help us all with some mind bleach after that awkwardness: the always charming Mr. Selleck.  aka: Mr. Rockin Hottie Magnum Daddy.

Selleck

 

A couple more advertising fails:

spider

This is listed as a lily and hydrangea arrangement.  All I see is SPIDER!

 

I know there’s all kinds of growth hormones in our food these days.  But this was listed in the clothing for my second grader’s size.  Methinks there are some hirsute 7-year olds out there now!

 

young man

 

I’m just going to pretend that there’s some incredible Photoshop magic here and that a responsible adult actually has hands on this little tyke.

Else it’s a really terrific way to catch up on your 2013 deductible.

baby shelf

 

Speaking of Photoshop… love how they didn’t bother to clone out the grass on every single one of these ;)

grass3

grass2

grass1

 

Such a lovely composed photo.  Did they mean to put an owl holding his nose atop the toilet?

stinky owl

 

 

I know I’ve blogged this before, but…behold the bike planter.

Truly, the epitome of what to get the person who has everything.

 

bike planter

 

Time for another cool product I actually want.  Would you believe Target carries this?!?!

chair

Makes me laugh every.single.time.  Hysterically

underwater

 

And if you get us any of the things from this post?  We’ll have to buy our neighbors one of these:

neighbors

(as always, click on the photos for a link to the products)

 

 

Wishing you a truly wonderful Christmas – celebrating the birthday of a king who came as a baby.  With much gratitude for your friendship and encouragement this year.

 

minted

 

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Wednesday, December 04, 2013

the day I became the butt of the interwebs

 

If it were only not true.

I was minding my own business Tuesday morning when a message arrived with startling news.

A sweet friend that I think I’ve seen exactly once in the last 20+ years sent me a little heads-up:

So, I was scrolling through this little thing a friend posted on Facebook this morning. Just flipping through on my phone, kinda scrolling fast, 'cause it was funny, you know, but not like super funny or anything. But, then, hey, hold on a second, screech the scrolling to a stop half way through, because YOU are in this thing!! What?!

 

And then… I clicked on the link she gave, and saw a title that made my eyes widen (pun intended).

glamour shot

 

I knew by the picture that this was going to be on par with Awkward Family Photos or People of Walmart.

And sometimes I really dislike being right.

 

I reluctantly clicked on it, and my retinas were immediately traumatized.

 

Remember how you were supposed to have loads of makeup, hair teased to ridiculous heights, popped collars, satin gloves, the whole bit?

Well I blogged about it once up on a time.  Remember when that poor girl was exposed for the whole mall to see?  I posted it three years ago.  And then y’all hassled me into posting the pictures that I had taken over 20 years ago?

So then I did?

Well, then THEY did.

Steal them, I mean.

 

Buzzfeed stole my ridiculous Glamour Shot picture off my blog.  Which, y’know, is all kinds of humiliating funny.


I giggled about it until I saw that the post had been viewed…

 

FOUR AND A HALF MILLION TIMES.

 

 

Oh.my.word.

 

And for some reason, it’s getting shared around again.  So I thought I’d do some damage control and post the one semi-normal picture here, so y’all don’t think I’m some weird satin-glove-wearing chick with a random floating head against a dark background.

 

And by semi-normal, I mean please excuse the insane hair.

 

GlamourShotsRach2[4]

 

 

Now, just so I don’t have to suffer alone… here’s my sister’s shot.

(I’m safe because she can’t unfriend me this close to Christmas.)

 

GlamourShotsJu[4]

 

Keep in mind, she was twelve years old.  TWELVE.

So… can you figure out which one I am?  Because people didn’t believe me at first.  But then, c’mon…, becoming the butt of an internet joke is totally up our alley, right?

 

 

Hey, at least it wasn’t People of Walmart.  WIN!

 

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