Saturday, December 27, 2014

2014 Crazy Christmas Gifts You Didn't Get

I know… we’ve been pathetically absent from the blog.

We are still alive.

Still fighting the good fight against stoopid cancer.

Still losing teeth and growing like a weed (thankfully only Boog).

We moved.

This is still my favorite part of the whole place.

The orchard and the pumphouse covered in roses are close seconds.

Or the resident bald eagle and deer families in our backyard.

Or the quail! 

We got a new horse.

She is a stinker.

But she’s also beautiful, brave, and spunky.

The dude… is still ornery.

These two are still pretty much best friends.

And obviously, she hasn’t stopped being a punk whenever I have my camera out.

But that’s not why you’re here.  You’re here to partake in the annual “where does she find this insane stuff to buy online” tradition.

(At least let me pretend you are, so I’m not the only crazy one here)

Blogger wasn't playing nice and went all incommunicado before Christmas.  It's also making pictures sizes all wonky.  So you're left with a badly formatted post-holiday sigh-of-relief list of things you are glad you didn't get... sorry.

Letting the animals kick us off here:

 Because no pooch’s life is complete without a chihuahua Michael Jackson shirt.  Amiright?


 And who hasn’t wanted their very own billy goat?

 At first I thought this was a mighty expensive garden ornament.

My baaaaaad.

So this cute little resin pet is meant to live inside your house and is a steal because it’s no longer $745.  SEVEN HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS, friends.

And it wouldn't have even arrived by Christmas.


Might I draw your attention to an excellent alternative?

They are great lawn ornaments!

They take care of your leftovers for you!

And you can even ride them!


When your mom is not watching.

And way cheaper than $745.


So how about some starving reindeer placemats from Zulily?

Or “Moose” as they seem to think these are.

Whatever.  Get him a sammich.

More specialness from Zulily.

I hate to be all OCD, (but I’m totally going to be all OCD)
…but that’s not a SITTING deer figurine. 


And we’d like to commemorate that with gold spray and sell it for you to display.


But it still isn’t quite as special as these plucked bird candleholders.


But I saved the worst animal what the what? for last.  Behold:

I can’t even…

This has apparently sold and is no longer available.  And now I wish I’d screenshot more of the description.  But I’m also kind of glad I didn’t.  Now you can thank me that your search engine has never seen the words, “squirrel syphillis taxidermy”.  You’re welcome.

(and for the record… so many people have sent me links to favorite squirrel items after the whole “samurai squirrel” thing… that these are now the kind of products Etsy suggests for me.  Niiiiice.)


Moving on to something non-rabid and actually on my Christmas list?

You guuuuuys!

It’s a Big Wheel for big kids!

Who else had one of these?  Remember when you’d start madly pedaling from a dead stop and it would just grind the plastic on the asphalt for the first couple of revolutions, then it’d finally catch and you’d be off like the wind?  Nothing like it.

Except this.

For a stinking $565.

A girl can dream…


But my next wheeled item is just… no.

This is what happens when you search for “kitchen island” on Craigslist.

Someone posts something that people laid on who were sick or injured.  And thinks it would be way cool for you to serve salsa and chips on.

I’m all about repurposing… but not when bodily fluids may have been involved.


Like here…

Looks like a great creative gift to give the kids in your life.  Until you realize…

Yes.  Yes they are.

They are both drinking each other’s drink.  Or some kind of weird soda/lemonade/sibling saliva mixture thereof.



And oh hey… back to that salsa.  In case you ever put out a bowl of tortilla chips, some smashed up avocado, and some red stuff with tomatoes and onions and cilantro… and your guests just couldn’t figure out what was what?

For $4.99, you can make sure they don’t accidentally eat guacamole instead of salsa.  I can’t remember the last time that happened to me…


But a true food emergency would be having these:

…and realizing they are just ceramic.

Holla!  Ceramic asparagus!

Hurry, there’s only two left!


You could serve them on your Christmas platter that showcases some inexplicably large mushrooms!

Because nothing says Happy Holidays like a reindeer in a jacket standing next to giant shrooms.

But again, hurry!  Only five left!


Moving on to beverages.

Y’all know we’ve been off coffee for more than a year now
(with a few cheats, because some days you might actually have to FUNCTION).

I’m half tempted to get one of these just to see the look on Mr. Daddy’s face one morning.  Something tells me that wouldn’t end well, though.

Flavors you never knew your life was lacking.


And something else we’ve all been lacking?  Toilets as pieces of art!

I got nothing man.  Nothing.  It seems awkwardly celebratory for bowel movements.


Perfect for Christmas!  Didn’t you say you needed a nativity?  And it has to be blue?

What is really terrific about this listing (click on photo), is that they’ve managed to stage it in such a way that the 11 inch Joseph looks like he’s lifesize.

What’s even awesomer?  Is that there’s a new variation on the “I don’t know what to do with my hands” thing that Mary and Joseph always have.

Mary usually has her hands out like she’s ready to catch a basketball, and Joseph usually has one hand on a staff and the other in position for the Pledge of Allegiance.

Instead, he’s totally got his swagger on and is all, “Hey homies! Joe in the house!”

You guys… someone go buy this.


But really, what Mr. Daddy needs next Christmas?  For reals?  Is a new one of these:

Someone please send him a thyroid.  Life would be much easier :)

(Thyroid in a jar… who thinks to make this stuff?  Awesome!)


And I saved a really fun one for last.  Because maybe there will be one of these all wrapped up for Mr. Daddy under the tree next year!?!

I can’t decide which one I like best?  You?

Let’s just let Mr. Daddy worry about opening his presents in front of family, ha!
(Shana… I need you to mail me the wavy rainbow ones on the left within 363 days, ha!)


So that wraps up our belated 2014 Crazy Christmas Gift Guide.  So if you were already late, maybe these are all on sale now!

And can I say that we have missed you this year?  That crazy Thing I Can’t Talk About?  I can talk about this coming year, so buckle up.  It’s gonna be a great 2015!

Disclaimer: I only put all the links in out of sheer terror of “companies suing penniless bloggers”.  None of the links are affiliate links and I get zilch if you click on them.  You, however, might find yourself in a weird wacky world of bizarre items for sale.  No harm no foul if you think these are awesome gifts.  I just can’t quite figure out WHO they’d be perfect for.  If it’s YOU?  Nice to meet ya!