Sunday, March 01, 2015

a day of Whys







I woke up to the taste of saltwater.

And the refrain of a bittersweet birthday song.


I'd been dreaming.  Of a tiny white perfect bird in my hand, unable to fly.  Until I let go.

It wasn't a dove... it was like a baby chickadee, in pure white.

Only when I separated my hands and raised them to the sky, did it fly from the cocoon I had imagined was keeping it safe.


And it felt a lot like how we had to release Gracie, knowing her flight wouldn't bring her back to us.



She's eleven, you know.



It's hard to accept that more than a decade has passed, because some wounds refuse to heal.

Time doesn't heal everything.  Because there simply is a hole where she belongs.



My sister spends today at the ocean.  Like she always does when celebrating her girl's birthday.

Last year ten pink and purple balloons lifted high above the sand on an overcast and windy day.




And I reaffirm every year that God is good.  That we shouldn't waste the hard things.  That Gracie brought SO MUCH MORE than heartbreak to our family.

I am stunned, again and again, how many of you have experienced this kind of grief in your families.  How you survive and keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep loving.

Because today, there's saltwater on my cheeks and a birthday song in my heart.


.


25 comments:

Saimi said...

I'm sorry Rachel I can't even begin to know what you and your sister are feeling but I have many friends who share the same loss. I've attended their funerals and cried with them. Just that experience alone has broken my heart.

I've missed your posts.
Saimi

Leiah said...

I read this the other day and immediately thought of you and yours. I didn't realize the day was already here again. Love and hugs.

These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints in each butterfly’s lazy dance.
I’ll let you know if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind and call each one that grieves.
Most of all these tiny footprints are found in mommy’s heart.
‘cause even though I’m now gone, we’ll never truly part.

Danielle Dammann said...

So sorry. I can't imagine how difficult it would be...and a hole in your heart that never feels like its healing.
Prayers for you all

xoxo

Bethany said...

Yes and yes. Let us not waste the hard. Although I have not lost a baby, I hold the names of three who would have been my nephews and more than I care to want to believe possible that would be playing along side my kiddos in the nursery. Each year as I watch my own grow up and learn to do new things, I whisper the names of the children who have already gone to glory. I know this post was a few days ago, but you and your sister are in my heart and my prayers.

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Floortime Lite Mama said...

Oh my
I don't know how we all go on with our griefs
Happy birthday sweet grace

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